Ex problems

[BobsyourUncle23]

I just need a bit of advice / thoughts on my decision. Me and my ex split up over 5 years ago. I cannot call him dad of the year, he was there one minute, then he was not interested and so and so. My DS is 8 now, i have a partner who my DS loves alot. My Ex got married and now is getting divorced due to cheating on his wife who i made friends with after they split. She told me all he did to her, he did to me in the past. He constantly changes addresses, girlfriends, never had a proper job, always complains he has no money but will never stick with a job given to him on a silver platter. His family sticks up for him no matter what wrong he does. Recently he stopped paying child maintenance claiming he lost his job. Over the years he caused me so much grief and trouble i made a decision based on how he treated my DS that he will no longer be seeing him. My DS told me he isn't too bothered about going to his dads as he know he doesn't treat him like a proper dad should, always late picking him up, never buys him anything, let him down on many occasions. Many times i asked my DS whether he wants to go see his dad and he said no. Now, how does that make me a bad mother wanting whats best for my DS and stopping him from seeing his dad, seeing all those women my ex gets with, having no stability in his life, sleeping every weekend at different house. Thats no life for a child. Yet the ex calls me a bad mother. I told him the only way now to see his son is to to court. Me and my partner are getting married this year and he wants to adopt my son. I know my ex will never agree to this and i don't know whats the best way to go about this? Will court decide based on my story and the proof of it? I have many people willing to confirm this and messages, bank statements all sorts?

[ZilphasHatpin]

No, a court won't let your partner adopt your son. Your son has a father. The fact he is shit at parenting doesn't mean he isn't the person you chose to father your child. The only way your partner could adopt your son is if your son's father gave permission. You say he won't so it's not going to happen.

[Cantstopeatingchocolate]

Sorry I agree with zilph, your ex would need to give up parental rights or your DP wouldn't be able to adopt your DS.
You need to concentrate your fight in limiting visits if that's what you want to do. 8 might be too young for a court to take his feelings into account but at some point he'll be old enough or mature enough to be heard.

[prh47bridge]

If this goes to the courts they will decide what is in your son's best interests. Based on the information you have given I do not see any way the court would allow you and your partner to adopt your son over your ex's objections. If your ex takes the matter to court it is likely he will get an order awarding him contact. Your son is too young for his views to be decisive. The number of women your ex sees and his sleeping arrangements are unlikely to persuade the court to stop contact. You need to be careful that you don't end up looking unreasonable - that won't help you in court.

[MrsBertBibby]

You are very much in the wrong here OP. Totally insufficient reasons for stopping contact.

[PigInMuck86]

Look into step parental responsibility. My Dh has parental responsibility for dd1&2 as do I and my ex. Legally my DH only has this responsibility till 18 (so past 18 they couldn't inherit without a will for example) which is the main difference to adoption. It is one form which both my ex and i signed in front of a court offical. I think it cost about £50 for both dds. My ex is an arse but we offered a private maintance agreement instead of going to court at about half the amount he should be paying. We wanted peace of mind that if i die DH has full parental responsibility and that the dds wouldn't end up with a man they see for 48 hours a month and barely knows them.

[BobsyourUncle23]

I understand why you think I am being unreasonable but I didn't tell you the whole story. This is just briefly what has gone on recently. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want whats best for my DS and his dad right now is not it. I have given him plenty of chances to be a better dad but he would always fail and play the victim. I know court won't take my opinion into account but my DS has mentioned plenty of timespace he's gone on without food when staying with my ex. That's child neglect and I can't prove it unless my DS states so. I really don't want to go into detail of everything he has done in the past or I will be writing a book.

[ZilphasHatpin]

If your son is being starved when with his father then you call social services and don't send your child back until it has been guaranteed that he knows how to feed a child. It is child neglect.

But even then, a judge will not allow your partner to adopt your child. It is extremely rare that a judge will order an adoption like this where the biological parent still has contact and is refusing to give up all responsibility of the child.

I understand you think your partner is a better parent/father to your son. And that may be true and may always be true. But you are asking to wipe out any connection your son has to his blood parent. At 8 years old he is too young to decide that himself and without some incredibly persuasive reason no judge will ever do that. There are people who are in prison for abusing their children and they still get contact with them. All your ex has done is be shit at fatherhood. What benefit to your son is there for your partner to adopt him that can't be achieved by him gaining PR?

[BobsyourUncle23]

I didn't know my partner could also have PR but that would also mean for my ex to agree to that which he won't. If anything ever happened to me I don't want my son ending up with his excuse of a dad. I will seek legal advise how I can go about my partner having step parenatal responsibility. It is a difficult subject, I hate this whole situation and constant fighting with my ex. Thanks for advice guys.