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What does shared care actually mean?

(8 Posts)
ilovemilton Sun 03-Jul-16 19:55:45

After a long and messy few years in court, we recently had a final "shared care" order. It's still the usual pattern of contact of every other weekend and one night in the week but called "shared care".

My 10 yo dd has decided she wants swimming lessons. I agreed but then couldn't find any lessons that didn't clash with contact. When I asked exh about it, he said I had no right to agree that she could have lessons, she wasn't able to make that decision herself and all decisions are to go through him.

I have since had three days of abusive texts slagging me off for letting the children think they can do what they like and daring to think I can make decisions about "his" children without asking him first.

Anyone know the legalities of shared care and how this works practically in terms of allowing the DC to do after school activities. DD is now majorly pissed off that she isn't allowed lessons. She hates contact with a passion and just getting her to any contact session is a massive battle. This has just increased the problem.

titchy Sun 03-Jul-16 21:31:26

You can't make him take her swimming on his weekend. Equally he can't stop you taking her on your weekend. Swimming every other weekend is probably the only reasonable thing you can do, even if you have to pay for the missed lessons.

Fourormore Sun 03-Jul-16 21:50:33

If she wants swimming lessons and they're only available on his time then let him know and let him make the decision. Don't go signing her up without discussion and/or agreement - that's just basic respect. Your daughter is plenty old enough to understand that dad makes decisions on dad weekends.

ilovemilton Sun 03-Jul-16 22:10:05

I wasn't signing her up. I just said swimming lessons were a good idea. I didn't think for one minute it would be such an argued topic.

She knows very well he makes all the decisions - no friends, no toys, no going out, nothing is allowed.

I'm thinking about the actual legalities of "shared care". He is telling me I can't make any decisions at all without his permission. Not just his weekends but for anything.

Fourormore Sun 03-Jul-16 22:15:03

Ah I see.

The last two pages of this PDF provide some sensible guidance.

TendonQueen Sun 03-Jul-16 22:19:44

Your ex sounds like he is being a knob about the decision making. However, I am surprised you couldn't find any lessons at all that aren't on a weeknight that's not his contact night. That might be worth looking around for a bit more.

ilovemilton Sun 03-Jul-16 22:28:21

It's because in the holidays he has wed and thur too, and she does her other activity on a Tuesday. So there isn't a day that isn't affected depending on if it is term time or holidays. If that makes sense. They can never do anything that is regular.

It is all about control. He doesn't make any effort with the contact, the children are literally sitting in his house all weekend, with nothing to do and not allowed out. He enjoys taking it back to court when the dc aren't happy to say I'm hostile.

I just don't know what decisions I can make and desperately want to avoid being dragged back to court.

ilovemilton Sun 03-Jul-16 22:34:36

That's a very helpful list on that PDF thank you!

As a side note however, I raised in court that they regularly play aged 15 / 18 games and watch those films but I was told he was able to make that decision. And I'm dreading the senior school discussion, as he wants them to attend the failing one near to his house to save on transport costs, rather than the outstanding one by our house that all their mates are going to...

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