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Aggressive ex intimidating me when handing over kids. What can I do?

(12 Posts)
Lulioli Sun 22-May-16 09:24:20

Anyone any ideas? Anything legally binding to warn him to stop behaving badly when collecting or dropping off children for contact. Three children aged 10,8,6. He lives an hour away. He works shifts that change each week so can't do every Thursday for example or every other weekend. Also can't pick up from school, have overnight and drop back in the morning as too far. I ve tried to tell him to wait in car and I ll send children out but he ignores me. He's aggressive, volatile. Despises me especially when I try to put boundaries in place. History of DV in our relationship. We ve tried mediation. Useless. I want the children to have contact. They love spending time with him but I cannot handle the handover bit. The children get very upset too and I can't trust him to behave himself.

RandomMess Sun 22-May-16 09:28:49

Hmm possibly a molestation order? Perhaps specifying that he has to stay in the car?

I the meantime have the DC ready at the door, open it push them out and shut door. Do not make eye contact, ignore everything he says to you and have the phone ready to call the police if he escalates to threatening behaviour.

When he drops the DC off, open door "Children in now" and shut door in his face?

RandomMess Sun 22-May-16 09:29:53

Actually in the meantime have you got any friends/family who could do door duty for you whilst you wait further inside the house?

Lulioli Sun 22-May-16 09:33:43

Mess..thanks for your response. There is no one else to be there unfortunately. I need to speak to a solicitor about the non molestation order. I just wish he would do the right thing and think of the children rather than trying to get to me.

DoreenLethal Sun 22-May-16 09:34:23

What happens when he knocks on the door?

RandomMess Sun 22-May-16 09:37:34

Can you improve the pick ups by keeping an eye out for his car and getting them to wait on the door step?

He sounds awful. Is contact really good for the DC or are they just towing the line to keep him happy?

Fourormore Sun 22-May-16 09:53:04

I would discreetly record him and seek legal advice for a non molestation order.
Another option is to move the handovers to a public place where there will be CCTV (although this won't record sound, so only good if he is physically aggressive).
Or you could investigate handovers through a contact centre.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sun 22-May-16 09:53:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChicRock Sun 22-May-16 09:57:44

Can you talk us through what happens during pick ups?

Have you tried having the children ready to go, watching out for him arriving, and when he does you put the children outside and off they go - would that work?

Same for when he's bringing them back, no eye contact, no engagement, act as if he's just not even there.

bibliomania Mon 23-May-16 09:23:12

Agree with myinlaws - public place.

Alternatively, tell him that you are recording handovers. This worked bizarrely well with my ex.

ElsieMc Mon 23-May-16 10:52:36

I have been through all of this. Handovers were in the school, but it caused huge distress to the children as their brother was taken away from them, he was crying, they were crying. School did not want to assist because he is violent. This was the idea of the wonderful cafcass officer.

It was moved to a relatives home. He was absolutely furious and returned to court to insist it remained in the school. The Judge disagreed. Matters have cooled and generally his grandparent collects him any way.

As this option is not open to you (what a shame) the next suggestion was the Tesco/Asda café /McDonalds - whichever is convenient to you. This will cause difficulties on closed days though or later evenings. Collections were okay there but he managed to manipulate drop offs by refusing to let go of my gs who he knew wanted to run to us. He would also mock me, pulling faces etc in front of the children. My sympathies are really with you.

You could refuse to hand the children over unless he remains in the car, but this would lead to an aggressive stand off which I fear he may not back down from.

Even if you applied for a non-molestation order there is nothing to say he would not continue his behaviour.

I can only offer some suggestions from someone who has been there. If you have not been apart a long time, matters may settle down.

ElsieMc Mon 23-May-16 10:56:32

Sorry, I forgot to mention that we also initially did handovers in a contact centre but his parents would park across the entrance. The court asked him to remain behind for fifteen minutes after we collected so we could avoid his prat behaviour. But he just ignored this.

It is down to him to change his behaviour for the sake of the children. You cannot go on dreading contact each or every other week for the next how many years.

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