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My 13YR old wants questions answerd by her BIO father

(22 Posts)
ChocHobNob Wed 06-Feb-13 15:55:26

I think the more important thing to do here than get the CSA involved to try and get her father to acknowledge her, is to try and help your daughter deal with the fact that her father may never want to have contact with her. No one can force him as sad as that is.

RedHelenB Tue 05-Feb-13 18:45:27

I disagree. Although contact & maintenance are separate it seems to be the case that where fathers do pay they then tend to see their children. It might be the spur to prove the reality of the fact that he is a father.

BUT, you cannot force him to acknowledge his daughter & tbh i would have let her contact him herself when she was older in this situation.

betterthanever Tue 05-Feb-13 14:55:59

The CSA can't force him to have a DNA test anyway. If he refuses to have one then he is just `presumed the father' for the purposes of making payments.
To get a court ordered DNA test I think it has to be part of an application for contact and/or parental responsibility but I may be wrong.
When the CSA contacted my ex he said he wasn't the father - then he refused a DNA test, he was presumed the father. (he still pays nothing for reasons irrelevant to this OP)
Years later he has deiced to take me to court for contact and guess what asked for a DNA test !!! confused

Collaborate Tue 05-Feb-13 14:02:44

I can see why you went to the CSA. It's the only chance you have to have him either accept paternity or undergo DNA testing.

JammySplodger Tue 05-Feb-13 12:30:11

I think you're right to drop it, must be hard on you as well as her though. We have a friend with a 14 year who's never known his dad and he also finds it hard, especially as his younger sisters do know and are in contact with their dad.

There's a Teenagers bit of MN somewhere round here, you might find that useful to chat about all of this. It's always reassuring talking with others in the same situation, and unfortunately your DD isn't alone in all this.

Hope your chat with her goes well.

annh Tue 05-Feb-13 12:26:09

You sound like a lovely mother, it's understandable you want to support your dd's wish to see her father but it's opening a whole can of worms if you pursue this further. It is one thing for your dd to know that her father is not in her life and doesn't want to be involved, it another to have it so clearly shoved in her face that not only he, but his family, continue to refuse to acknowledge her. I second whomever said that some counselling could help.

mydiamond Tue 05-Feb-13 12:20:20

thank you everyone think I better sit down and talk this through with her tonight so that she knows that im canceling the csa claim. like you said its not going to make him all of a sudden feel bad.

being a teenager is no easy task so maybee ill do this alone like I did her terrible twos.

I cant change how she came to be but I can carry on supporting and helping her become a grounded independent young lady

JammySplodger Tue 05-Feb-13 12:16:37

May I suggest you start a thread about this / get this moved to Relationships, it's really about the effect it's had on you and DD isn't it, not about legal stuff?

Chopstheduck Tue 05-Feb-13 12:15:44

My exh ignored all the letters, so the CSA got a court order and deducted payments from his earnings.

I still don't know where he lives, where he works and likewise he knows nothing about me or the kids. The csa is solely concerned with money, like you have already been told. TBH, I think by getting the CSA involved you are likely to just alienate him further!

It is difficult, i have a dd, 13 in June, and I think at this age they do start asking. DD would love to know why, from her biological father just why he never got in touch. I've told her that she will probably never get a proper true answer to that. I helped her get in touch with some of his family, I think she just needed to be able to get in touch with that side of herself a bit. Her father wasn't even mentioned in her conversations with her cousins, but she appreciated speaking to that side of her family and I think that helped a lot. Could you go down that route?

mydiamond Tue 05-Feb-13 12:13:13

if nothing comes of this then it just confirms what iv always told her that he ran away because he was scared but she has me.

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 05-Feb-13 12:09:04

Don't go down this route.

Instead, get your daughter counselling. The school might be able to help, or CAHMS can give you a list of approved people. Find someone who specialises in children who grew up in this situation. Help your daughter work through having a dad, and a whole half of her family, that doesn't acknowledge her.

The CSA are interested only in money. You can keep the claim going, if you like - they'll contact him, and eventually if he doesn't respond, take money from his wage. If he disputes paternity, they'll do DNA.

But from what you've said, he hasn't denied that she's his. He just doesn't want to know her, and neither do any of his family. That could be for a whole variety of reasons, but the CSA won't make him contact you or her, and neither will paternity tests. They'll just tell you what you already know.

mydiamond Tue 05-Feb-13 12:07:25

I have explained to her that this is the last chance and if after this he wants nothing to do with her then at least she knows and she is fine with that. Thank you for taking your time out to reply

JammySplodger Tue 05-Feb-13 12:07:09

OK, then may I ask a question, what will you do / how will you and she feel if you get your DNA proof and he still doesn't want to know?

It sounds like you're banking alot on this emotionally and it may not make any difference.

CheeseandPickledOnion Tue 05-Feb-13 12:07:00

Is he on the birth cert? I suspect he's not.

They do all know about your daughter and are still refusing to speak to you, or her. I don't think there is much else you can do.

You could legally petition for a paternity test to prove he is her father, but it probably still won't achieve the outcome you want.

annh Tue 05-Feb-13 12:06:43

I don't have any experience in this area but my understanding is that the CSA ensures your dd's father meets his financial obligations to his child. They have no interest in, or mandate for, trying to instigate contact between the parties. If you continue down this route and this man continues to deny paternity, the only way of establishing it is to force him to take a DNA test. He is obviously aware of your dd already but it must have come as a heck of a shock to his family and partner and I don't think any of that background is conducive to him suddenly deciding that he will, after all, meet with your daughter and answer her questions.

I think the outcome will be that you may force him to contribute money for your dd (which you say you don't want) and your daughter will still have all her questions unanswered. I think she will thank you for trying but you need to be prepared to deal with the outcome of her disappointment as well.

Isildur Tue 05-Feb-13 12:03:16

The CSA is only concerned with money.

They may well extract the minimum required by law, but they will do that without him having to contact you at all.

If you do need/ want the money, I suppose you could go down the route of paternity testing, again, he will not be compelled to contact you.

That fact that your childs Grandmother has declined to contact you is a pretty good indicator of what you can expect from this family in the future - i.e. nothing.

Your daughter understandably has questions, but chasing this man for money you say you don't want/need, whilst contacting members of his family out of the blue, is hardly likely to make him want to have anything to do with you.

Longtalljosie Tue 05-Feb-13 12:02:38

I think you need to help your daughter to accept her biological father is not interested in a relationship with her. Why are you contacting the CSA if you don't want maintenance? That's all they're there for, nothing else.

fubbsy Tue 05-Feb-13 12:02:08

I think you are barking up the wrong tree, money and the contact are two separate issues.

Even if the CSA manage to collect money from him he will still be under no obligation to have contact with dd or answer questions from her.

mydiamond Tue 05-Feb-13 12:01:20

and i contacted his mother and partner one time only not constant!

mydiamond Tue 05-Feb-13 11:59:20

No your missing the point here this person is denying that his the father therfor he will deny it to the csa so then he will have to suply a dna test at which case then my daughter will have 100% proof to go from and contacting his partner was no easy decision. if i was some sort of odd ball then i would have gone through the csa etc etc before i am trying all i can to help my child and support her in her choice

JammySplodger Tue 05-Feb-13 11:53:03

I have no idea what the CSA would do but do you really want to keep pursuing this? I should think it'll be leading you daughter on in false hope, if he and all of his family are blocking you.

If you want to go along the asking for money route then the CSA would be the route to go but I'd be surprised if you got any other response from him.

Also I don't think it's fair on his new partner that you're contacting her too. Makes you sound a little obsessed if I'm honest.

As my daughter has said "I want them to know I exist". They know she exists now, how far would you going to keep going with all of this?

mydiamond Tue 05-Feb-13 11:42:47

Hi there to everyone who takes the time out to read this.

I need advice really but 1st its only fair I tell the whole story.

In 1999 I worked with this guy who I ended up having a fumble with. I informed him that I was pregnant and he all of a sudden left the company. I carried on with the pregnancy and even though even his friends told him that my daughter looks like him etc and that his the father he continued to run away from it.

I have never gone through the CSA as it was my decision to have my daughter and she is my responsability. About 3 years ago she started asking questions about her Bio father so I contacted him on a networking site and said that I have never persued him for money etc but that she had started asking about him and that I would help her find him.

8 months ago I tried to contact him again but he had blocked me. I had no other choice but to explain the situation to his mother who I have never spoken to before and who was unaware of the fact that he had got a girl pregnant. All we wanted was to find out more about that side of is her father sporty as she is etc. But we got no reply. So we waited a few months and contacted his new partner asking for him to contact me but nothing.

Yesterday I went against everything that I beleave in and contacted the CSA. This isnt about me or money. As my daughter has said "I want them to know I exist". The CSA have said that they found him on the system etc with the details I provieded.

The questions I would like feedback on are:

If they send him a letter and he ignores it eg. throws it in the bin what happens?

will they continue to try and contact him?

what happens if he never contacts them to talk to them that his named as my daughters father?

will I find this as another dead end?

This has never been about money or I would have contacted the CSA before but he just ignores me and I promised I would help my daughter contact her Bio father.

I know that he has always denied his her father so he will probably just bin any letter from the CSA

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