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To three or not to three??

(21 Posts)
goldpendant Sat 20-Jul-19 11:57:08

DH and I can't decide.

We have DS 5.5, DD 3.5, both healthy happy, if a bit needy kids. They squabble a lot but are cute and we love life as a four.

I always thought I'd have a third as I'm one of three and loved the dynamic growing up, I still do. I like the idea of a larger family, but we ruled it out when I fell pg by accident 2yrs ago; it felt too soon after DD, DH was working overseas a lot at the time, and so we chose to abort. Hardest decision of my life but it was right at the time.

Now that the kids are more independent and DH is back in the UK, we are contemplating trying for a third.

We have the space, a big car, financially pretty comfortable. I do struggle with the baby/toddler years - find it quite boring and tedious, but if we planned to have a DC3 to arrive when DD starts school, it could be a lot easier than when I had DS and DD both at home.

Has anyone done this? Had a larger gap between the last two? Thoughts/experiences most welcome!

stairway Sat 20-Jul-19 12:03:42

I think you would be happier staying with two. Your life sounds comfortable as it is.

OnlyToWin Sat 20-Jul-19 12:06:39

Desperately wanted three.
DH did not.
Spent years jealous of people with 3rd baby.
Now children are teens I am happy we stuck at two.
World seems more geared towards a family of four and I no longer envy the families of five I know.

SoyDora Sat 20-Jul-19 12:07:04

We are 6 months into our third in practically identical circumstances (even down to the termination). DD2 starts school in September, DD1 is nearly 6.
So far, it’s been lovely. I’m also not a fan of the baby/young toddler stage but I’ve felt far more relaxed with it this time round. I think the fact that im busy with the older two (school runs, extra curricular activities, clubs etc) has helped, as it means life has still had a structure and the baby has kind of just slotted in.
I’d recommend it!

Blueuggboots Sat 20-Jul-19 12:12:14

My best friend wanted a 3rd child and ended up with identical twins! It's very common in older mums who have already had a couple of kids.

goldpendant Sat 20-Jul-19 12:31:39

Thanks for thoughts so far! Agree that life with four is very straightforwards, I just can't help but keep thinking about it.... I'm not especially broody either, just see a DC3 as completing the family I suppose.

SoyDora Sat 20-Jul-19 12:38:20

I wasn’t really broody either, I didn’t necessarily want another baby but just knew that I wanted another member of the family.

bloodsbluegold Sat 20-Jul-19 12:45:23

I was happy with two then number three came along as a surprise. Wouldn't change it now, having a daughter changed the dynamic for the better in our family.

goldpendant Sat 20-Jul-19 13:28:08

I'm 34, how likely would twins be?? DH is late 40's!

Practically we threw out all the baby stuff so I'd have to find it all second hand or borrow as we'd be loathe to buy new again. We live in a town house with a lot of stairs.... makes me think a toddler here could be a nightmare! But I know that's not a reason not to do it....

Then I start thinking about the planet....

Urgh. But it's like a brainworm that won't leave us. Will it when I get to 40 and know the time has passed us by? Or will I always wonder what if??

Slomi Sat 20-Jul-19 13:36:04

My friend had two the same age as your DC and then DC3 came along when DC2 was just about to start school. The baby stage was lovely but she says she massively struggles now that the youngest is a toddler. Her older two go to sports clubs once a week and she is run ragged trying to keep the youngest entertained while they are there. The older two get frustrated with him as he is very high energy and can't play nicely yet. Now having said that, this stage is bound to pass like they all do but for my friend she says if she had to look at it logically she would have stuck with 2 or not had a 4.5 year gap with the youngest

SoyDora Sat 20-Jul-19 14:57:26

I was 34 having my third, thankfully no twins grin

DorotheaHomeAlone Sat 20-Jul-19 15:08:53

Our gap will be slightly smaller. I’m 3 months pregnant and dcs will be 3.9 and 5.5 when this one arrives. I just always knew we needed one more. Our family doesn’t feel complete.

Maybe naive but I figure it can’t be as hard as the 20 month gap last time! Oldest 2 are settled in school and preschool do this one should get a bit of time to themselves. I wouldn’t have left it much longer though as I can already see life getting easier with my two and I know the return of the baby stage will be a bit tough.

MissingTheMissletoe Sat 20-Jul-19 15:11:37

I had my 3rd DC when my first two were 7&8, hardest thing I’ve ever done. DC3 is now 19ish months old and it’s still hard. DC2 ended up feeling very pushed out as he’d previously been the baby of the family but hid how he’d felt until a massive outpouring of emotion a year later. DC1 got resentful as I was no longer able to spend as much 1-1 time with her and I feel like I’ve not sat down since the day before I gave birth.

It is however the best decision I’ve ever made. I couldn’t imagine my life or family without DC3, despite the adjustment issues our family has never felt more complete. DC1&2 both adore DC3, have a very close bond with him and DC3 adores them right back. If I could go back I’d still do it all over again

spinn Sat 20-Jul-19 15:12:56

I found the 3rd noticeably increased the cost of life in general. Eating out, trips out, holidays (not many hotels cater for 5 in a room), car hire, taxis etc

They outnumber you - don't take that for granted! They become the major stakeholder in activities. Life revolves much more around kids than before.

It's harder to take time out for you or for time just you and oh.

There isn't just one new relationship to build each child has 2 relationships which can be hard to negotiate and navigate- feels like there is always someone fighting.

Most things come in packs of 4 - sounds trivial but it is annoying (I've just gone without a donut as it was a pack of 4 - can you tell I'm smarting about it!)

The washing machine is constantly running, dishwasher not far behind.

Costco becomes a normal shop.

But, we've just played a game of cricket on the beach (5 is just enough for this). There is always someone to chat to, play with, help you. It's a real family home, board games an things like that are great fun, family meals round the table are manic but full of laughter.

OrangeLola Sat 20-Jul-19 17:25:28

I have two: a girl and a boy. I wanted three but due to complications it was not to be. Got a dog!

LifeIsGoodish Sat 20-Jul-19 17:34:14

My 3dc are a 2y gap then a 4y gap. To be brutally honest, I found the 4y gap much harder than the 2y gap.

The pace of life can be much slower before children start school. There isn't really anywhere that you absolutely have to be at a precise time. They're both in nappies, so you don't have "Mummy! Wee-wee!" just as you settle down to feeding the baby. In my case the elder was also still napping, which helped enormously. There was a manic 6m when neither child was feeding or sleeping at the same time as the other, but eventually it worked out.

TBH you sound a bit like you're trying to persuade yourself that you want a dc3.

goldpendant Sun 21-Jul-19 12:56:50

I think you're right, it's definitely not something we are desperate to do, but I just worry the time will pass and we might one day wish we'd had another. Sadly pets aren't an option!

I'm hearing positives and negatives, baby will fit into older DC routines and that'll help with the tedious days, but yes totally seeing that also means it's harder to find activities that'll suit them all. So impossible to decide.

SophyStantonLacy Tue 23-Jul-19 09:41:56

I always wanted 3 - I’m one of 3 myself. Mine are now 11, 8 and 4. The thing I find annoying is being held back by the youngest, obviously it’s getting easier now, but things like long walks, board games etc. And now noticing the extra cost of 3, as we are firmly into extra curriculars territory...

Helenj1977 Tue 23-Jul-19 11:18:36

I have 3. 11, 9 and 9mo dds! I'm one of 3 and love it! My older two are fab and my youngest is just lovely! Dp wants another but I'm done now. 3 is perfect 😀

goldpendant Tue 23-Jul-19 21:58:13

Well after a rather trying weekend we have decided to leave it at two.... until the next time one of us feels a bit broody that is!

Happyspud Tue 23-Jul-19 22:00:55

I think you REALLY need to want a third to have one. It makes everything so much harder.

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