I don't feel 'done' yet

[tootsieglitterballs]

I have 2 of the most wonderful little boys , 3 and 8 months. They are my absolute world.

But there is quite a large part of me that doesn’t feel quite ‘done’ yet.

After number 1, and an awful birth and PND, I swore down I wouldn’t have another. But he got to 1 and I realised I wanted another (DH always did, but was happy to stick with 1 if that’s what I wanted).

Cue number 2, rubbish-ish pregnancy (I hate most of pregnancy anyway, but it was harder with a toddler in tow!) . We vowed during this pregnancy, and for a few weeks after, that that was it, no more. I then had amazing birth experience - awesome little boy, cheeky as anything, very advanced physically, terrible sleeper for the first 6 months, but all in all, going from 1 to 2 has been a huge amount easier for me than it was going from 0 to 1. Possibly due to PND etc, I don’t know.

But now, I can’t shake this feeling of wanting another (Certainly not yet though). Part of me doesn’t feel complete. Hubby isn’t keen as because feels he is getting old (he’s mid 30s now) , and dreads the sleepless nights, but he’s not totally against it.

Anyhow, I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for here... partly just needed to share my feelings, but also , has any one else felt the same? What happened? Did you regret either having or not having number 3?

(Just to add - We would never have another unless both of us were 100% on board)

[Sparklehead]

Hi,
I also had that feeling of not being quite ‘done’ and, without giving it much thought, we went for and had number 3. I had found having 2 fairly straightforward and thought that going from 2 to 3 would be relatively similar. I was wrong!! I’ve found having 3 so much more challenging than I thought I would. The dynamics of my 3 (2 DD’s and 1 DS) can be really tricky, and it’s hard to give them the one to one time that they all want. Mentally, my head feels very crowded, if that makes sense, and the demands on me seem never-ending.
Of course, there are times when they have great fun together, they can be a real little tribe (they are now 9, 6 and 4) and I do love them all to bits. But, I urge you to really think about it before making your decision and best of luck with whatever you decide.

[Sparklehead]

Also, just to add, that sense of incompleteness still hadn’t completely gone and, I’ve realised that, for me, while my body is still capable of bearing children, I will always have that niggling feeling of ‘one more’. But I am happy to completely ignore that feeling now and know that it will pass in time!

[mistermagpie]

I am in the same boat as you OP. My DS's are three (just) and 16 months and I often think about having another. But then we'll have a stressful day or they'll be ill or they argue or whatever and I think another would be a terrible idea.

I'm 38 so don't have loads of time to ponder the issue but ultimately, unless I 100% wanted another then it probably wouldn't be a good idea. I'm using 'I' a lot here because DH would happily have another but would equally be happy with our two and no more.

[tootsieglitterballs]

Thank you both

@Sparklehead really interesting to read your response , especially always having that niggle!

It’s definitely something we wouldn’t rush into - in an ideal world, a similar age gap would be great, so essentially We’ve got 18 months to think about it. I’ve no idea what will happen. I am wondering if part of my longing is because our youngest is developing so quickly, and I’m missing him being a baby. By hell, that longing urge is strong 😔.

[Mybabystolemysanity]

I have just had no2 three weeks ago (DD is 18 months) and if you had asked before he was born I'd have said yes definitely want a third. Actually, I don't at the moment think we will have no3, lots of reasons, the biggest being just bought a forever house that would be difficult to extend and I get pregnancy induced hypertension which has been worse this time. I am terrified that a third pregnancy might be the one that goes wrong. Add in sleepless nights and endless nappies... We are mid/late 30's. I'll be 50 when they are 16 and 18, so we'll give it three years to make sure, but I'm fairly certain that's it. I'm really sad I won't labour again- both were great experiences, especially the second. 8 months is when I started to feel ready for another. Pregnant by 10. Make sure it's not just pregnancy and birth you're hankering for....

[swampytiggaa]

We have five. I didn’t feel done after number 5 stopping there was a definite head over heart decision. Even now that my youngest is 10 and I am (almost) 49 I still would love to be pregnant and have a newborn.

I suppose what I am saying is some people never feel ‘done’ so then you need to make a decision based on what works for your family as a whole.

Good luck with whatever you decide 💕

[tootsieglitterballs]

@Mybabystolemysanity definitely not hankering for the pregnancy & birth 🤣! I hate pregnancy, don’t handle it well and have had complications with both babes. Birth - terrified of that too even after having an amazing experience second time round (vs a terrible one first time) .

Part of me looks at the relationship my 2 have already, and that’s amazing, and I don’t want to do anything to rock that. Youngest idolises eldest.

Who knows what the future will hold - but thank you everyone for sharing your experiences, it’s really reassuring to hear.

[MadeForThis]

I'm the same. Have dd1 2.9 and dd2 6 months. Have thought for a couple of months that I would like a 3rd.

38 so think it's a time issue. Would be happy to wait a year before trying if I was younger. Now feel like I need to decide in a few months.

I was quite sick after dd2. She was an emcs and I had surgery afterwards for internal bleeding. Very scary. DH would love another but is worried what could happen after our last birth experience.

I'm more relaxed. Love being pregnant and breastfeeding. Would love another baby.

But would love to be able to spread it out a bit. Love the 2.3 yr age gap we have. Mainly worried about having dc3 too close together.

[mistermagpie]

I'm a bit the opposite - had great pregnancies and births both times but didn't hugely enjoy having a newborn. DS2 is 16 months and although he's hard work he is more fun than a newborn! The thought of a tiny baby is what's putting me off.

[MotherofPearl]

I have three DC, with quite a big gap (4.5 years) between DC2 and DC3. I didn't feel 'done' after DC2 and really longed for another, but DP and I dithered about the practicalities for ages - hence the age gap.

I don't regret having a third at all - though I am finding the toddler stage very tough the third time around, DD2 is such a joy, it really feels that she's perfected our family. And for me at least, having her has totally sated that intense longing for another baby. I really do feel 'done' now. Good luck with whatever you decide OP.