Has anyone else experienced pregnancy anxiety with the same gender as the one only other one you experienced post natal depression with ?

[isitseptemberyet]

Hoping not to get roasted with this post, it's something I have admitted to Very few people, even my OH doesn't realise the extent.

I didn't bond with our first baby (a son) for such a very long time (years).
I was very young and put a lot of additional pressure on myself to be The Best young mum and his birth (like a lot of firsts) was pretty traumatic.
I remember being stitched up and tears sliding down my face as i sobbed 'I don't think i love him' and the midwife saying to my mum 'it's just the gas and air talking'. I didn't confide in anyone for years after that, I thought i was a monster.
We went on to have three girls, after I began training as a midwife and saw the sheer panic in another mum's face and realised that other people felt like it too.
The love and bond i felt with my dd's at their births and forever after has been Amazing. I also felt relief at their gender scans, though i knew it was wrong, knowing they were not boys..
Obviously i know in my heart of hearts that my sons gender had nothing to do with the post natal depression i experienced with him, i'd actually hoped for a boy during his pregnancy. But i still get very upset even thinking about those first years with him. His newborn photos (on the very rare occasion that i look at them) make me heart -sick.

I am now pregnant with my fifth- a boy. I hope i wont be judged for saying it, but ive felt a lot of anxiety during the pregnancy. My associations with mothering a son are so sad. My children all look Very similar, i guess im scared this one will come out the spit of his brother and it will trigger something. I can rationalise that even writing this sounds ridiculous, but in the dead of night i worry and worry.

Has anyone else experienced something similar ?!
Sorry for the length of this post, thanks for reading :)

[roundthegardenlikeateddybear]

Hi, I've not experienced exactly what you have regarding the same sex, however, perhaps you could look at it like a second chance, to have that beautiful bonding experience with a son that you missed out on with your first. You have three beautiful daughters and it sounds ideal that your son with have a brother of his own. I'm sorry you feel anxiety though, often it is hard to explain, I understand that. All the very best with your newest family member.