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Partner wants another baby yesterday.

(18 Posts)
parentzero83 Sun 19-Jan-14 10:27:08

The DP wants another baby right this second. We both have children of our own from previous relationships but none together. While I am perfectly happy to have another child, I dont think we are in a position to do so yet. I have explained why and feel DP is being very unreasonable about my perfectly reasonable explanation and are now distancing themselves from me as if I am doing something wrong. Any advice?

RandomMess Sun 19-Jan-14 10:28:46

I'd be very concernced as to why the big rush?

TBH my advice/thoughts would depend on whether you are the male or female in this relationship...

MyNameIsKenAdams Sun 19-Jan-14 10:31:11

How long have you been together?
What are the reasons not to?

If one wants and the other doesnt, then the doesnt trumps the does imo. However the does person may decide that the want for a baby outweighs the want of being with the doesnt person. If that nakes sense.

parentzero83 Sun 19-Jan-14 10:36:49

I do want a baby, just would rather wait a few months before ttc. I am the male in the relationship, been together 2 years, married for one. Talk of children in the beginning was a no, until about the last 6 months. We are having financial difficulties and I would rather wait 3 months or so until I am a little more sure about the stability of my current job.

RandomMess Sun 19-Jan-14 10:48:40

Ok well as a female when I wanted a baby "now" there was no logic or reason it was just some deep seated hormonal urge, this sense of the biological clock ticking by and the reality of the age gaps getting bigger.

You are already financially tied etc. through marriage so clearly the mutual commitment is there.

What is your dw opinion/attitude to your completely realistic and sensible option of waiting a few more months due to financial difficulties?

How old are the youngest dc at the moment?

I honestly think you are right to wait being broke is horrendous and I think financially times are going to get tougher sad

EdithWeston Sun 19-Jan-14 10:57:04

If you are thinking of only a few months before TTC, then it is a small gap that with goodwill is bridgeable.

Why does such a small amount of time matter so much to her? What indications do you feel you need about job security and will those really be forthcoming in the time scale of the 3 months you mention?

Is she concerned that you are making one excuse that will become another and that months even years might elapse? Indeed are you sure that you mean it when you say you will TTC shortly?

Those are all issues to do with honesty in your opinions and communication between the two of you about your true positions.

parentzero83 Sun 19-Jan-14 10:58:21

She won't talk about it, knows im being sensible but acts like it's the complete opposite. I know being being broody can make you irrational but acting like I'm the enemy isn't really fair. Youngest child is 3

MyNameIsKenAdams Sun 19-Jan-14 11:02:21

Maybe you could say that you refuse to discuss it til May. Then, come together like adults and have a conversation.

However, of you say then that you need extra time or have changed your mind, dont be surprised if she walks away.

parentzero83 Sun 19-Jan-14 11:05:28

Maybe 3 months isn't enough to be sure but it will give me to save and 'bridge the gap' should I lose my job and need to find another.

It isn't an excuse, I do want a child. Whether she is concerned or not that I will postpone I dont know.

RandomMess Sun 19-Jan-14 11:06:47

Perhaps it's just easier to be mad at you then face your financial situation?

Could you suggest working together for 3 months to save as much money as possible in order to help afford having a baby? Are your financial worries actually sorted - is over spending an issue?

CuntyBunty Sun 19-Jan-14 11:08:18

You both already have children, at least four of them between you. I will be flamed, but that is plenty. Maybe you DW needs to get a job working outside the home if things are tight financially and she doesn't work already.

It doesn't make sense to have another child.

RandomMess Sun 19-Jan-14 11:09:16

Sit down and work out together the affect on your finances having an other would create. Would maintenance payments out go down? Would benefit entitlement go up? Does your wife work, would she get maternity pay?

Would she be prepared to go back to work after having another child to make it affordable? These are all valid points to discuss otherwise is it a case of her living in fairytale land, you have a child together, she gets to SAHM and everything is rosy?

Iwillorderthefood Sun 19-Jan-14 11:09:54

You are probably talking sense, however, how old is DP? Is her fertility likely to be on the decline? Does this demand come from this? All the risks of chromosome mutation and so on are much higher the older the woman gets. If she knows you want to have a child with her, but just not yet, all of these thoughts may be worrying her. Please talk to her rationally, get to the bottom of why she is quite so worried and demands to be pregnant now. How long did it take her to conceive her other children? If it took her a long time, and she is already worried about fertility, this could be be another reason she is desperate for a child right now.

You both need to try to understand the other's point of view a bit better.

Iwillorderthefood Sun 19-Jan-14 11:12:08

Ah my post still stands, but yes being broke is not a great place to be to have another baby. Good luck OP, perhaps if she will not talk, you could write it down (make a copy) so she could see why you want to wait in black and white. Hopefully this will reduce the heat in the debate.

parentzero83 Sun 19-Jan-14 11:54:56

This is a discussion about the differences in me wanting to wait. Not whether we should or not. Cheers for your input but it's not what I asked.

parentzero83 Sun 19-Jan-14 11:59:29

She's in her mid/late 20's, as am I. She is already a SAHM and will remain so indefinitely. I agree that a bit of saving before ttc is a good idea. I dont pay maintenance for my children, ex has never asked for it on account of me spending money on what he needs rather than he wants.

RandomMess Sun 19-Jan-14 14:14:12

Have you discussed how many dc you would like together eventually? If it is more than one I really would advise waiting and then another your next 2 or 3 close in age. That is just my opinion though, I really don't see why she is in such an urgent rush.

Having a largish family (I have 4 dc) when broke is easy when they are young but as they've got older and starting secondary school it really is quite demoralising tbh. I wish I had been more sensible and had fewer or dh had been better at putting his foot down and getting reality through to me. I don't resent them but I wish we had prioritised saving some funds first etc.

MrsExtraOrdinary Fri 07-Feb-14 16:43:29

Maybe she feels a bit fobbed off by your answer. I think actually waiting a few months is a perfectly acceptable answer for you to give. But perhaps she feels as though you are making excuses and you don't really want to have a baby with her. I'd say sit down and go over the top, about your plan for the future together, which includes a child of children of your own.

I had 4dc with my xh, was 29 when I met my new h. He already had dc. He was dead set that we wouldn't be having any more. Which is different to your situ I know. But it made me very sad. He came around in the end and of course our ds is loved by all and a complete daddies boy. So much so that we've agreed to have another. Now that wasn't in either of our plans at the start, but things change.

I think perhaps she's feeling a little insecure in your relationship. It's hard as a woman she's probably comparing herself to your ex and stupidly thinking he gave his ex a child but not me and feeling a bit unloved. This is of course irrational, just explaining some women's brains and the things that rush through it. It's hard when you are starting life again.

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