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Parental disapproval re 4th baby

(36 Posts)
Namechanged78 Sat 23-Feb-13 12:08:31

I'm currently just over 20 weeks pg with our 4th baby. This is a planned pregnancy, we can afford to have them, have space in the house etc. We told my parents at Christmas about the baby, deliberately choosing a time when my sister was there too and they seeend surprised but not unhappy
However this weekend they were staying and my dad launched an attack on dh, pretty much unprovoked.
Basically he said we were irresponsible for having another, we couldn't possibly afford to put 4 through university, and we wouldn't cope with another baby. Along the way he also said I was mentally unstable, and that our marriage was very shaky
All of this is complete bollocks. Dh and I have a great relationship, he's a great dad and husband, and I have never been happier.
Dh didn't respond but basically wants nothing more to do with them. For the sake of our existing children he's prepared to bite his lip ad say nothing but their relationship is destroyed. They have known dh for over 10 years sad
I feel devastated by what my parents have said and done and feel my whole pregnancy has been tainted by this. Don't even feel I want to tell then when baby arrives
Just looking for advice of what to do. I'm a bit of a loss really and can't really see a way forward with them
Thanks for reading

AThingInYourLife Sat 23-Feb-13 18:13:17

That I would consider myself an orphan if my Dad spoke about me in that way is not any kind of recommendation.

Saying they want to start over is just brushing her off. It's not a compromise.

They were outrageously rude to a man who has helped them out a lot and tried to build a good relationship with them over a decade.

That can't be forgotten just because it suits them.

They need to accept that they have behaved badly here and apologise.

Until they do it is not fair to expect her DH to have to have them in his home.

Bowlersarm Sat 23-Feb-13 18:19:09

We have to agree to disagree AThing. I'm not condoning their behaviour. But I am saying it's a huge thing for op to cast them out if their lives

LemonBreeland Sat 23-Feb-13 18:22:21

In your situation I would call my Dad and ask him to apologise to my dh before I would see him again. I would make clear exactly how upset both of you are by the comments made, and just moving forward and forgetting about it is not an option.

Namechanged78 Sat 23-Feb-13 18:38:46

Yes part of the issue for me is the way they just want to act as though nothing has really happened. My dh is still fuming and I think they will have to discuss this. The risk is me being the meat in the sandwich if I act as go between, and I don't want that to happen as it could cause a rift between me and dh. On the other hand if I leave it to dh to sort it out himself he might just give it to them all guns blazing which wouldn't be helpful long term either.
Ideally my dad needs to speak to dh and sort it all put between them, but that's just not going to happen.
I've heard my dad occasionally criticise people in kind of a bitchy way before, but never directly to their face. And the way my mum spoke about it the next day, echoing some of the things dad had said but in a more muted way it's clear they have discussed this before (and that mum agrees with what he said)

Bowlersarm Sat 23-Feb-13 18:43:51

Then it sounds as though you need to distance yourselves for a while and put the onus on your DParents to mend bridges. Your loyalty has to be to your DH and DC's but don't throw away your relationship with your parents in a fit of pique (that's my opinion although clearly others think differently!). I hope it ultimately works out for you OP

AThingInYourLife Sat 23-Feb-13 18:50:32

You shouldn't act as a go between.

Your DH deserves to have you firmly on his side here.

I think Lemon's suggestion is about right.

jellybeans Sat 23-Feb-13 18:54:11

My parents were dreadful at first with DC5. Mainly because I almost bled to death with no 3/4 (twins). But to them any more than 2 is far too many. They were awful at first but soon came round to the idea and dote on DC5. Try not to let them get to you, they are probably just concerned but not expressing it in an appropriate way. They maybe could not cope with that many, we are still their 'child'. If other than that they are OK then I would let it go but tell them unless they are supportive then they won't be seeing much of you.

Namechanged78 Sun 24-Feb-13 10:58:41

Thanks again, I'm going to leave this thread now and return to my normal name, I appreciate so many people taking the time to post a reply

Sparklymommy Thu 21-Mar-13 12:46:43

I was in a similar position when I planned baby number four, except we lived (and still do, four and a half years on) with my mum. I told her I was pregnant in a public place because I didn't know how she would react. She didn't speak to me for two days.

When she did speak to me again she told me I needed to get sterilised once the baby was born. (I agreed, knowing the doctor would never agree to sterilisation, I was only 25!). DD2 has my mums name as her midde name and my mother dotes on her now, but she was disapproving when I announced my pregnancy and my grandmother even more so. We didn't tell her until I was about 30 weeks pregnant!

syl1985 Sat 04-May-13 02:22:52

That's terrible and he was totally out of line.
Even if it's true what he says then still he's way out of line.

You're already pregnant. What could you do? What on earth was he thinking?
That you were going to respond like:
"Sorry dad, you're right I can't take care of this child".

If he was so worried about you having another child he should have had a, kind and polite, word with you both after you had your 3rd child.

Or in a none negative / hurtful way expressed his worries to you and your partner.
But not like this.


toffeelolly Sat 04-May-13 02:39:25

Just some thing's you cannot forgive. What a awful thing to say. Just look at it this way , it's your family you are all happy, would not give a toss what parent's think.

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