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i really want to ask dh to have vasectomy reversal , come talk sense into me .

(15 Posts)
droves Thu 11-Aug-11 13:52:18

We have 8 kids , 3 are over 16 , one married , with child herself(step-daughter). And im still broody .

Dh had vasectomy when twins were babies 5 years ago , and although i didnt want him to do it , i didnt protest to much , as i could understand his reasons for going for it.

Our house was too small for the kids we had , his job wasnt secure , i was suffering pnd ...& his ex wife had "accidentally got pg" whilst telling him she was on pill, so his trust in women generally was not there when it came to contraception .

However , life has changed quite a bit recently ... We have moved to a big semi with a huge garden , he has gained more security in his job and been given full time we have more income ..Twins are settled at school and the last 6 at home are older , more responsable and independent.

I would love baby number 9 ...even ds4 has started to say he wants a baby brother or sister <i didnt say anything to him, he just loves babies>.
Theres a bit of me that thinks , a new baby would be easily accepted and adored by everyone in the family ....if only i had the guts to ask dh to get the reversal. We have the money for it ...and the means to support another child <through to uni if needed >

I have the undercurrent sadness that will not go away ...i see babies everywhere i go and i just want to cry... will you lovely people come and talk some sense into me ..8 children should be enough , wtf is wrong with me ? sad sad sad

RuthChan Fri 12-Aug-11 10:56:23

Wanting number 9!!
And I struggle with 2 DCs!!!!
I'm impressed, you are obviously a lady with a lot of energy.

However, are you really sure you want to go all the way back to the beginning with sleepless nights and nappies?
I'm not being rude, but with 3 kids over 16, one of whom is married, I'm guessing you're not as young as you used to be!! wink

Do you think you could be satisfied with enjoying other people's babies instead?
It sounds like it won't be so long before your family will be starting the next generation proper... grin

StealthPolarBear Fri 12-Aug-11 10:59:14

I have come on this thread just to gawp (in a nice way) at people who have the energy to cope with that many children. I have 2 and it's about half a child too many for me to cope with! I consider 3 children to be a large family. Noi advice I could give as I have nowhere near the energy and patience you must have.
And I have finally figured out where your username comes from.

bumpybecky Fri 12-Aug-11 11:07:07

I think feeling broody (regardless of the sensibleness of the situation) is a normal response to changes in hormones and the feeling of moving on with your life (but especially the hormones!). As your SD has started her family it kind of brings it home that that phase of your life has moved on and you're moving into grandparent part (even if you're not old enough in the traditional sense).

If you want it enough you'll talk to him about it. Even if you know he'll never agree, I think it's important to acknowledge the feelings you're having.

This might sound really patronising (don't mean to!), but have you thought about getting a pet? a dog or cat baby might help a little smile

droves Fri 12-Aug-11 19:42:04

I had a wee chat to dh last night , about how im feeling at the moment.
He was wonderful , and although its clear he doesnt want more kids , he was very understanding about my broodieness.

He also said that he was a bit selfish about going ahead with the vasectomy , but felt it was the best thing because i was pretty ill with pnd at the time and he didnt want to see me suffer that again.
He didnt realise how i was unsure about it. When i was trying to talk him out of it , he missunderstood why and thought i was just making sure he was 100% ok about doing it.sad.

He brought me flowers . I dont think it helps , but the fact hes trying to cheer me up means a lot right now.

Im only 35 , and dont feel that our family is complete ...i also dont think i will ever feel that way.

Major major shocker last night was when DD1 ( my step-daughter whos married ) turned up . We had fallen out a few months back and hadnt seen or heard from her for a couple of months , and although i was upset about that , we made up. So that was nice .
Then she told us she is pg again.

Im pleased for her , but there is a wee bit of me thats envy . I know its wrong, I cant help but wonder why ive been wanting a baby , thinking about babies and generaly been broody , and dd1 turns up pg.
Spookie co-incidence or what ?.

Anyway DH still doesnt want more children , and i dont want to split from him just to have another child , so im just going to accept the way things are.

why arent there pills the doc can give you to stop broodiness ?.

bumpybecky Fri 12-Aug-11 20:08:35

very unmumsnetty hugs then (((droves)))

it's not wrong to feel a bit jealous of someone having what you want and can't have, perfectly understandable to feel like that, don't beat yourself up about it

I'm glad you talked to your DH about it. I think it's important to talk about it, if you try and bottle it up, it won't do you any good at all.

I wish there were pills that took away broodiness. I've been there before though and it does fade with time. My DH had a vasectomy after our 4th. I wanted more, but have gradually come round to accept that it's not a good idea for us. It took a while to get to that point mentally though. He started talking about it before dc4 was born and he finally did it (with my blessing) when ds was 2.5y.

droves Tue 23-Aug-11 12:16:25

sad .

Life can be so bloody unfair at times .

Dsd phoned DH last night and told him shes going to the doctors today and is hoping to get an abortion.
On asking her why , she said it because Ds-in-law , just wants to go to the pub with his mates when hes home from work . (hes in forces and is away a few weeks at a time, shortly to be off for a few months.) He is 21 years old , so still young , and the first to be married out of their friends.

Why did she bother telling anyone if she didnt want the pregnancy?.

I dont know what to think ... sad.
Had to make excuses about being tired last night , after dh told me he wouldnt see me crying.

bumpybecky Tue 23-Aug-11 13:10:22

Oh droves sadsadsad how very, very sad. I wish I could say something to make it hurt less.

droves Tue 23-Aug-11 13:32:00

Thank you bb .
I dont know who im upset for more , DSD who is about to go through a very hard thing , d-s-in-law who is all over the place (and its purely because hes getting sent to afganistan ), DH who was excited about being a grandad again , or myself (selfish , i know).

sad. I know im going to sound horrible , but im praying that last night was just one of dsd`s "dramas" and that she doesnt have any intention of getting to docs, that its just her attention seeking again. I worry that she would regret this later on and struggle to cope with it.

bumpybecky Tue 23-Aug-11 13:44:57

sounds as though they're both very scared sad I can't imagine how I'd have coped as a mother of 2 with a husband serving overseas at my age, let alone in my early 20s. Hopefully the GP will make sure she gets some proper counselling before she makes a decision. How many weeks pg is she?

droves Tue 23-Aug-11 13:59:32

Thats the thing , shes not sure <as far as i know>.

Either way its not going to be easy for dsd is it ? .

sad Poor girl. She seemed so excited about it when she was here weeks ago.

Theas18 Tue 23-Aug-11 22:32:32

Umm back to you. Hard facts are, whatever you want , you will not get nhs funding for vasectomy reversal on the nhs. Should you decide on a further pregnancy the cold monetary facts are that ivf with sperm collection is your best cost bet fir a pregnancy. vasectomy reversals are often not good ops as sperm antibodies can develop and the swimmers are damaged beyond repair anyway.

Should you go for it? Up to you and DH. However you have already 8 lovely kids who need your time and money. Is it really fair to spend£££ trying for another baby when keeping the ones you have in all the things kids need isn't a cheap pastime? How many holidays will you sacrifice for instance " incase". More than even the money, how much of your time, energy and emotional strength will you invest in this possible new child, and how much will that take away of "you" from your current children?

My 2p worth?? Invest you money, and especially your time and love in your fantastic brood. Don't waste it in " ifs and maybes". Have some counselling if you need it to get your head round such a final choice.

limetrees Tue 23-Aug-11 22:47:46

I think your DSD pg is complicating things for you here. Try and think about your own desire for a baby quite separately from anything else. It is "final" when you know you've had your last - it's something that is easier to deal with for some of us than others. I think that given everything you have written, in particular your DH's feelings, you should start the process of accepting that your twins were your last. If you want to accept it, you need to try and stop imagining baby no. 9 and rid yourself of anything in your house that is for a child younger than your youngest - try and "move forwards" in a practical sense. It's like a different mindset - knowing that you are not going to have another child vs thinking that you might.

Re your DSD, that sounds like a really shit situation for her, you and everyone involved. I think that you have to try and support her as best you can, considering her situation in isolation without thinking about your desire for another baby.

droves Wed 24-Aug-11 11:24:28

Theas , your right . Everything youve said , my head agrees with ...and although on some level i have to change the way im feeling its a bit harder than ridding the house of baby stuff . ( we dont have any stuff left tbh , except dd4`s nappies ).

I think deep down my desire for another child stems from the fact my children are so wonderful , they`re bright , beautiful messmerising little people and i know im lucky to have them.I adore them all .We have put a lot of effort into encouraging the best in them, and they are well manered , kind , thoughtful kids.

Limetrees re dsd , the situation about her is difficult because its a bit insensitive of me to ask dh to go for reversal (or ivf) , when his daughter is going through what she is .

It has made the situation more difficult , not because her needs or wants take precident over mine , or in anyway change what i would like , but right at this moment dsd needs to be the focus of attention , for her to get that much needed support. Whatever she decides to do , she is going to need her dad to reasure her and help her and i will be there too of course.

Its just a really bad time to talk about reversal.

flack Sat 10-Sep-11 06:54:18

Has anyone else suggested Fostering? Because people who have a lot of love still to give often find that's a good avenue to explore.

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