Unplanned 4th child - positives?!

[OldishMotherHubbard]

Hi,

I'm not sure I'm in the right place for this topic, so apologies if not...

Have recently discovered I am expecting a 4th child (assuming it's a singleton this time!). I have a 5 year old, and also 1 year old twins. The pregnancy was unplanned and we are both very shocked.

My DH does not want it, and really wants me to terminate - but I just don't think I can do it.

However, I am worried about the effect on my other children in particular, as I feel I am stretched enough with the three of them!

I really don't know what to do - I would love to be excited, but I know we are going to be plunged back into chaos again, and it will be even harder with a grumpy husband!

Has anyone else got 4 children with a small age gap? How did they cope? How did you cope?

x

[Northernlurker]

There's a poster called Oooggs who has a similar age gap involving twins. I think she posts on the multiple 'do you ever...' thread. She's fairly sane

Sorry your dh is being a grump. Men do often react like that to unplanned news - like they think a termination will put the clock back In almost every case they get their act together and are excellent fathers. Hang in there.

[foreverastudent]

Your 5 yo will be old enough to help out a bit which makes it a bit easier. Also they will be at school once the new baby comes so you will only have 3 at home all day.

Council nurseries will give priority to twins or to families with a lot close together so you could maybe apply for 1 or 2 days a week for the twins to give you a bit of respite?

I found using after school care invaluable when I had a newborn and a school run. 3pm just wasn't a good time to go out. Having the flexibility of a pick up anytime before 6 made life a lot easier.

[MUM2BLESS]

I have four but my age gaps are a bit wider.

Oldishmotherhubbard everything will be alright. You mentioned DH wanting you to terminate PLEASE do not do that.

I hope someone will reply to this thread and let you know that all will be well.

Thinking of you and trust and pray that all goes well.

[LongStory]

I howled when I found out I was pg with 4th, and then it was my turn for twins. Considered termination for about 5 minutes but didn't think I could live with it. We've adjusted hugely and life won't be the same, but most days I'm happy and we've just got on with it. The thing is that I was always honest with the other 3 that this was a 'surprise' and they (with all their crazy special needs ways) have been totally loving and attached to the babies from day 1 to their 18 month old mad toddler toy-destroying craziness. Wishing you all the best in these days when you grieve what could have been, before embracing the future. x

[oooggs]

only fairly sane NL

[oooggs]

when ds3 (who is 18mths today) was born ds1 was 5.1 and dts were 21 mths - he is a total delight and has made our family complete

So had 3 under 2, then 3 under 3 and now they are 6.7, 3.3 (x2!) & 18 mths. The younger 3 get on so well (ds1 mainly at school), we manage fine with a bit of juggling (dh works shift work) but routine is just there. I do bedtimes on my own a lot and we all cope just fine.

They all adore their little brother and I haven't had any jealously. It is tiring, especially when they are ill, but it is like that with 3!!

Don't want to ramble but can give you loads more info & support if you want it congratulations

[OldishMotherHubbard]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all your support. The hormones must be kicking in as I nearly started crying! It is just such a strange feeling to have a "surprise" pregnancy! I am glad to see that there are other large families out there and that yes, we will have to get on with it!

LongStory - I am of the same opinion that I just don't think I could go through with anything that I would live to regret! I just need to have a scan now and make sure that everything is OK, and that there is only one in there!!

Oooggs - my little ones will be about the same age gap as yours. I am more worried that my eldest daughter has just about adjusted to the twins, and now she'll have to cope with another one!
Also, I never seem to have enough time for the twins anyway! Do you have any childcare at all so that you have one-on-one time? Do you think that makes a difference at that age?

Thanks again and hopefully I'll be asking for advice on cars, buggies etc soon!!

xxx

[oooggs]

childcare consists of:

ds1 - full time school
dts - pre school 3 afternoons a week upping to 2.5 days in sept.
ds3 - me!

but I know have all 4 for the school holidays. DS1 was in nursery for 3 days a week for dts 1st year and ds1 was at school full time and dts in nursery 2 days a week for ds3's 1st year. Then nursery stopped as I took a career break and have now taken VR.

my parents are local and dh works shifts but I rarely get one to one time with anyone apart from pc when dcs in bed and dh at work

ds1 would like another one!!!! but no way

if you want to ask anything more urgent I am on

oooggs @ hotmail . co . uk (without the gaps)

[bronze]

My fourth was one of those babies where my dh wanted me to abort. I told him where to go (me and kids and baby or byebye) just so he would realise I was serious and give him his credit he sorted himself out and stood by me. He now adores out youngest (who is brilliant and easy which I think helps) and our realtionship is as good as ever. If anything hes a better father to the other 3 too now.
As NL said he got his act together and makes an excellent father.
My eldest turned 6 10 days before the 4th was born.

[Maybee]

Congratulations Omh. I'm a tad envious I must say! We have 3 aged 8, 2 and 11 months and I had a pg scare a month or so ago. My dh's face went ashen when I told him. Anyway the test was negative but I'm now broodier than ever.
I believe that 3 can't be that much easier than 4 and i hope dh comes around most of them do eventually it seems. I hope you 're not too anxious as a wise mumsnetter said to me things have a way of working out.

[MUM2BLESS]

Best wishes Oldishmotherhubbard trust all goes well with you and the baby to be....

[becky7000]

I had an unplanned pg last year, he is now nearly 6 months. I was freaked out whe I first found out as I already had 3 young DCs but he has completed our family and it's great

My other DCs were 3.9, 2.6 and 14 months when he was born and it is hard work and restrictive at times but getting easier. I found the hardest bit being heavily pg.

Good luck!

[Margeaux]

I had an unplanned 4th - she really is the icing on the cake and is totally adorable. She was obviously just meant to be

[chellebelle]

I have DS1 - 10, DD1 - 4, DS2 - nearly 3 and DD2 12months)

When I found out about DD2 the word shock doesn't even come close - we had been very careful and the one time that we weren't I'd had the MAP. DH was working late, so bought him a bottle of his favourite red and put it on the table with a very large glass and the pregnancy test next to it for whne he got in. He thought I was kidding to start with but when relisation kicked in I have to say it was me that was seriously considering aborting more than him. My eldest was incredibly upset when we first told him, he didn't want to share his parents any more than he was already but he has been absolutely fantastic with her and has been since the day she was born. He is more protective of her than any of his other siblings and is a massive help, looking after her while I have a shower in the mornings if DH has gone to work already etc etc.

I am so so pleased that we didn't go through with the termination. It was her 1st birthday last thursday and I have to say of all of our children she is very definitely the smiliest, happiest baby I have ever known (other than the fact she is a rubbish sleeper!). Don't get me wrong - this first year has been incredibly hard work and it is very rare that the house is quiet but, I wouldn't change DD2 for the world.

[mamatomany]

Same here I actually booked to do the deed with DC4, on the day I couldn't and I cannot begin to tell you how pleased we both are that DS1 is here.
DH adores him and so far he's a dream baby.

[Chatelaine]

Margeaux - "the icing on the cake" - what a beautiful way to express it

[fernie3]

I dont have twins but I have four aged 5,3,1 and 5 days. I have been really negative about the whole thing during the pregnancy and tbh I have no idea how things like housework etc will be affected yet! but she is lying next to me here and I just feel like I could never live without her now, she only been home 3 days and she is one of us already.

[OldishMotherHubbard]

Hi everyone,

Thanks all for your positivity!! It is so lovely to hear from people who have been / are in the same situation, and how you have all managed to come out the other side!

TBH, I think one of the things I am dreading most is the reaction I will get when telling people(Especially my DD1). How did your friends/family react?

fernie3 - Congratulations on your little one!

xxx

[gardeningmum05]

i have DS12 DD10 DS3 DS2
no.4 was unplanned but he is fabulous, because no 3 and 4 were born so close its like having twins, but i am SO glad i had him now, they are all great mates.
i to be honest didnt want him when i realised i was pregnant, so much so that i didnt tell his dad until i was 6 months pregnant, i was in denial, and ashamed of that now :(
i, like you, was worried about telling people, i got abit of sarcy comments behind my back, which makes me v. angry now.
sod it, if i want a large family thats my business,not theirs, and to be honest my 4 kids are smart,polite and a credit to us, which is alot more than i can say about those with the politacally correct 2.4 kids are.

[sunnydelight]

My unplanned was no. 3 so not quite the same, but my youngest was 5 and I had just retrained as a lawyer thinking that I was done with the small child bit. I cried for four days straight - I was devestated. DH on the other hand had a "hell, what's another one" approach thank goodness. DD has brought us nothing but joy and happiness from the day she was born; when my mum died when I was 5 months pregnant I knew that this baby was really meant to be and I can't believe I thought for a minute about not having her. You know once your baby is born you would never want anything else. Good luck.

[OldishMotherHubbard]

Hello everyone.

Sadly, it looks like I might be losing no 4...ultrasound tomorrow to find out... :(

I feel like such a depressing misery among these wonderful messages of positivity!

xxx

[sunnydelight]

Oh I am so sorry OMH! Let us know what happens - fingers crossed for you. xx

[OldishMotherHubbard]

Sadly, have lost my little no 4.

We had both come around to the idea, I had even got a little bit excited and chosen names!

Thanks everyone for your messages, they really did help me see (Through the initial panic!) that yes, another child would have been hard work, but also would have been a blessing.

xxx

[pissedrightoff]

OMH so sorry for your loss x

[MaliceKitten]

I'm in exactly the same position as you right now. I have a 4 year old and my twins just turned 2 a few days ago. Yes it will be chaos for us too, but after 3 children I don't think one more will be so bad. If it's twins again I'd not mind either. It's not like I'm not used to managing multiple children now. At first my husband wasn't too keen on the idea either, but he knows I'll cope. To be honest my only real concern apart from money is taking them all out places. I don't drive and will still be using the double buggy for the twins when the newest little person arrives. If this is ends up being twins, I'm not sure how I'll take them all out _;;