Hurt at not sharing infertility problems

[Christmas456]

My husband and I have been going through fertility issues for some time and have been referred for IVF. There are some issues on both sides but our main barrier is low sperm count/ morphology.

My SIL has told me recently that they had IVF to have their child. She also said she had multiple rounds after.

I feel hurt that my BIL hasn't told me or my DH before despite knowing what we are going through. I understand that it is a very personal experience but if your own family member is in the situation would you not feel compelled to share your own success story or to simply share advice on the process.

I just feel a bit thrown by our diagnosis and feel so gutted that our future might not involve children. I find it difficult that infertility is not a topic of conversation in so many situations that you just feel so alone. Why is it a taboo to talk about infertility and why do people find it so hard to open up


I know I have felt so sad and depressed but I laugh and make light hearted jokes when I talk to others about it.

I'm even starting to close off when talking to DH as I don't want him to feel guilt, even though I don't in any way see it as his fault.

I feel so weak that I'm already so affected when SIL managed to go through it all without is even realising anything was different. How do you stay strong?

[MOGMOGMOG85]

Hi there @Christmas456 - I've not had IVF but have been ttc 2 years with only 1 pregnancy which ended in mc. I am in a world of pain right now and like you I feel quite angry at how people respond if you do let them know what is going on. There are so many inadequate responses, but the main gist is feeling that people back off from you, that they can't handle the darkness, that they just want there to be a simple solution "why don't you just adopt" or are dismissive about an "early" miscarriage etc etc. I feel like everyone is trying to put a positive spin on my experience which I Don't know how I will come to terms with a life without children... I can see why you feel angry with your BIL, that is a very odd choice, but some people are very private, and men particularly. Like you I wish it was less of a taboo and more openly discussed, as at the moment the silence is killing me - like you I lean heavily on my partner as he's one of the only ones to understand but often I feel guilty even talking to him... infertility is truly one of the worst things to go through in life and if it helps there are many of us on here talking about it if not seemingly out in the real world xxxx

[itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted]

Men don't always talk about things the same way we would so I really can't see why your BIL would have shared that with him? I think perhaps you are taking this a little too personally during what is already a stressful/emotional time for you. I've always been very open about my fertility issues and miscarriages but not everyone is like that. Especially when you get to the 3rd or 4th round of IVF - it almost becomes a bit embarrassing to tell people you have had that many so I can understand them not wanting to talk about it.

[PurpleDaisies]

I hate talking about it. I wouldn’t expect someone else to share for my benefit.

I think you’re probably taking this a bit personally. Maybe misplaced anger? It’s easy to get angry at everything and everyone but I’m not sure it’s justified here.

[pinkappleorpineapple]

@Christmas456
I understand that it is a very personal experience but if your own family member is in the situation would you not feel compelled to share your own success story or to simply share advice on the process.

In my case no, I don't feel compelled, it's no one's business.
I've had basic fertility treatments (Clomid) and multiple rounds of IVF. I've remortgaged to fund it.
I haven't told my family, and don't intend to until I have a baby and if that doesn't happen I may not tell them at all.
My sister has had IVF and has told the whole family and had every Tom Dick and Harry asking how it's going at every stage of the process. That works for her but wouldn't work for me, people are different, like @MOGMOGMOG85 says, some people are private.

It was the right choice for me and my mental health that I chose not to involve family, I didn't want to go through a journey together where maybe different outcomes could have driven a wedge between us.
It's actually worked out for her and she has a gorgeous boy, and didn't have to agonise over whether or not to share scan pics with me, or general updates now he's here.
My parents have their long awaited grandson and can be happy without having to feel sorry for me.

I was able to give my sister some general advice by asking 'a friend' who had IVF. She had friends who'd had IVF too so was able to talk to them.

Have you got a support group local to you?
Do you have an understanding of your DH's issues and what they mean and if anything can be done to potentially improve? Has he seen Dr Ramsay?

It is a horrible situation to be in, but there is other support available, including on here. 💐

[Youngatheart00]

It’s an exceedingly personal issue, often hardest to share with the people closest to us (which is why forums like this are so vital).

Concentrate on your own experience, not what has worked / hasn’t worked for others, is my advice.

[IsabelHerna]

Hi! I am kinda split on matter I think... From one hand, I find it so wonderful that I can talk here about everything, read stories from people that went or going through something similar as me.

On the other hand I do understand that people (me included) also need to talk to their loved ones.

I would say that because it's a personal matter, just be open and ready to just listen your loved ones, and if you feel like talking to them do it. In the end of the day, we're all different and we deal with difficult situations in different ways.

[AutumnHoping]

Hi OP I’m sorry you’re struggling with your feelings - it’s definitely a hard time. But you’re happy to discuss your journey with others which is great. I don’t think you can be annoyed at what others choose to do - it’s such a personal matter and no one should feel like they ‘have’ to open up about their journey. I wouldn’t say it’s just fertility - I think medical information in general is personal to most and many aren’t comfortable sharing.

[Gardenlady543]

Just to echo what others have said, I used to feel like this. Why do people only announce pregnancies and births as if it's easy? When statistically speaking it would have happened easily for so few. Why aren't people more honest? So that women who struggle don't end up feeling a failure. When I mentioned this to a fertility counsellor she told me that this is not the fault of the women who don't want to share the most intimate details of their life. This is what society has done, society tells women not to announce a pregnancy until 12 weeks because it doesn't want to have to deal with the impact of miscarriages. Society doesn't want to hear about the struggles that most women go through.
She said to me "are you going to go on social media right now and say, hey I can't get pregnant and I've had unsuccessful cycles of IVF".

I've had great support from a friend who is currently going through IVF at the same time as me, but I'm not sure how either of us would feel discussing it if we're successful. It could open up the wounds again, a reminder of the pain. Of course everyone is different, but I wouldn't hold it against anyone for not wanting to talk about what they went through.