Just need to offload. I'm hurting today

[NRW39]

Hi ladies.

Just need to offload... I'm drowning in my emotions today.

We had our 4th round of ICSI, which resulted in a positive result, unfortunately 2 weeks ago I lost the baby. I was nearly 9 weeks. We were so close... This is my second miscarriage.

This is not how I envisioned Christmas being this year for us. I just want to pretend it's not happening. Our tree isn't even up.

I'm just so heartbroken. I'm struggling to muster any kind of strength. I just feel alone (although I am not) and sad. Today i want to run away, where? I don't know.

I'm 40 and terrified that I won't get to be a mother.

We were lucky enough to have an embryo to freeze after the 4th cycle, so it's not over yet, but I can't quite put any energy into being hopeful about this.

I'm just feeling really defeated today and I want to cry.

[FingersXssd83]

Oh I'm so very sorry to read this. There isn't anything that I can write to lessen your pain but I hope you can find peace and look forward in time ❤️ xx

[NRW39]

Thank you x

[SweepTheHalls]

So so hard, Be kind to yourself xx

[Felicitycity]

So sorry.

[Maggie272]

I am so sorry to hear this, I can't imagine what that is like. I have had two chemical pregnancies, but know it is so much harder to get to 8 or 9 weeks....just know that we are all here and sending you so much love. Don't worry about the tree. We don't have ours up either. One year out of 40...it won't matter, you just need to rest and eat well xxx

[NRW39]

Thanks for all your messages!

@Maggie272 Thank you. I am resting. I came up to bed about 2 hours ago with a glass of wine: I'm still nursing it. I gave up alcohol 2 years ago (Just before we started fertility treatment) and I just needed something today. It tastes nice, but I'm struggling with it. I think that will be my last glass...

Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to reset and have a better day than today

[Maggie272]

yes, love, do be careful as alcohol can bring you down, even a nice glass of wine. maybe share with your partner or with a friend.
tomorrow will be a better day. you are more resilient than you think xxx

[Violet180]

Im sorry to hear you are going through this @NRW39
I turned 41 in September and am definitely fearful I will never have kids as well. The pain of miscarriage makes the situation worse. I lost my pregnancy at 5 weeks last round (only in mid November) and this is my 4th round.
The only thing that helped me was moving onto the next round.
I am kind of in the mindset that if I had unlimited resources and funds I would have a child eventually, but how long and how many tries can I manage? Coming to the end of my resources now.

I am just trying to say that I understand how you feel. Stay strong.
xx 💐

[twinkledag]

I'm so sorry. How horribly unfair. Be kind to yourself and know that we are here for you to offload to. We will listen. XX

[Mctm123]

We also just lost our second ivf baby at 7 weeks. The day of the scan I started to bleed but the days leading up to it I just knew something wasn’t right. We do have a lovely little boy who’s 4 now but we so desperately want to give him a sibling plus I’m just so pissed off on the constant time ticking away an no further with it. We have 1 embryo left and I don’t think we will be able to afford another round but then again I have been looking at other clinics that offer it slightly cheaper but even the thought of starting again 😪😪😪😪

It does feel lonely going though this but reading on here, your not alone xxx

[NRW39]

@twinkledag - Thank you. This forum is a life line for me at the moment... I sometimes feel like no one knows my pain, not even my partner, but I come on here, and realise that people do know my pain: they are/have experienced it themselves.

Mctm123 sorry for your loss.
It does feel lonely, but I know I'm not alone .

Xx