I feel like I've got nothing left. Can't face trying for 4th time

[NRW39]

Hey ladies.

I turned 40 in May. I've just completed my 3rd cycle of ICSI, which resulted in a negative result on Sunday. We are devastated and that's an understatement. We were so sure we'd done it this time. Our embryos were excellent. I felt great. Everything went well. Right now, I feel like I can't do this anymore. What more can I do?

My boyfriend has the fertility issue. I knew this wasn't going to be a picnic, but my God, this is hard.

We've been trying since last year. The first cycle resulted in a pregnancy but that ended in miscarriage at 6 weeks.

The second cycle resulted in a negative result.

I just don't know what to say. What to do.

I feel so deflated and defeated.

My heart is so sad right now.

I'd like to hear from anyone in a similar situaton to me.

[Eggcellent29]

@NRW39

Hi

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. It’s all just so unfair! My situation isn’t exactly the same, but I had a miscarriage from my fresh round at 8 weeks and am currently in 2ww from FET.

Have your clinic given you any suggestions on what next steps could be for you both? Perhaps considering donor sperm and/or egg may be an option moving forward?

It’s so important to lean on your support network during this time, have you got someone you can talk to?

Xxx

[NRW39]

I can't think straight or logically right now, I just want to run away. No decisions are being made now.

We've got a next steps appointment with the consultant next month, and ive just made an A4 list of questions. I'll make any decisions after that.

We're currently in IVF couples counselling and it is helpful. I've got some amazing girlfriends and family that empathise as best they can, but no one has the answers or any magic solutions. At the moment I just can't speak.

I just want someone to tell me it will be ok and work, but no one has the power to promise me such things.

[RunForTheHillock]

I had my DS from my fourth fresh round. It was a long and emotional journey to get him, and I am a completely different person as a result.

My friends and family were very supportive. I remember one price of advice from a friend which really resonated. She said “I can’t tell you that you will definitely have a baby, but I can tell you that no matter what happens, you will be ok”.

I just couldn’t bear the thought that infertility would break me. I was so determined not to let that happen.
Wishing you success x

[Eggcellent29]

@NRW39

That’s very wise - good to have a planned appointment but also recognising that you’re not in the right place to make big decisions right now :)

Oh, it is so horrible. I don’t want to say it will work in the end because I hate it when people say it to me. But I do believe that, if having a family is in your heart, you will find a way to make it happen. It may not look exactly how you thought it would, it may come about in a way you’ve not even thought of yet, but you will make it happen if that is what you want.

Be kind to yourself for now, do things you love outside of this. We found that escaping for a couple of days helped - even if it’s just a day trip to the seaside!

[NRW39]

Thank you @RunForTheHillock and @Eggcellent29

I will keep my eye on the prize, and In the meantime I think some time away may be the medicine I need right now.

I might even have a drink! I gave up over a year ago in preparation for this process, but I think a glass of red would do me good right now....

[Eggcellent29]

Go for it! After our last round, I had a whole month of doing whatever I wanted. We went out and partied, ate a lot of pizza and generally just lived like ‘normal’ people. It was exactly what we needed and it made it easier to do it again because I felt like I’d enjoyed myself.

If you ever want to talk to someone who isn’t emotionally invested in real life, I’m a good listener! :) I found it helped to unload

[NRW39]

I seriously can't remember what it's like to have fun with my boyfriend. This has pretty much consumed our lives for the last 2 years. Everything is on hold. It's all a bit sad really...

I think an IVF break is essential if I'm to 'survive'. Def going to look into a holiday.

Thank you. I may just take you up on that offer... x

[Eggcellent29]

It’s so sad :(

I miss the days when we would go a whole day without talking about having children. Actually, I miss the days when we talked about having children and it was a happy conversation! It can take such a toll on relationships. I hardly see my friends any more. I’m at that time in life when they are all either partying or having children - and I can’t do either! 😡

A holiday sounds perfect! Do you have any idea where you’d like to go? I’m a sunny all inclusive do nothing holiday sort of girl 😂 but the hubby likes to explore so we can never agree haha!

:) I have no idea if you can private message on here but if you can feel free any time!

[NRW39]

Same! I barely see my friends: although they are with me 100%. They understand why i seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. I'm lucky.

I feel like we're not enjoying our relationship and I worry abour our survival. Its an awful situaton.

Hopefully, a holiday to the west Indies. We're self funded, but at this point the money is secondary to my mental wellbeing.

[ChihuahuaMummy1]

I had 3 back to back rounds if icsi with ex dh,it was him who had the fertility problems also.It broke us unfortunately as he refused to talk about it and didn't support me enough.If you are a strong couple I dont see why you cant come through the other side.I hope you get your baby very soon x

[NRW39]

@ChihuahuaMummy1
I'm sorry to hear that. It does take a massive roll. I hope we have what it takes to get through this and continue.

We are strong: we've got this far and we are still together, but this time does feel different. I think because we were utterly convinced that it had worked. So it's been a long way down to fall, and I'm so fed up with it all.

We're usually brilliant about talking about this but I am barely talking. I feel like I don't have the words right now.

I just hope that over the coming days and weeks that there is a shift.

[Eggcellent29]

The relationship worries are horrid. As if we don’t have enough to worry about during all of this!

My husband and I have deffo become closer through our loss, but it wasn’t easy and we had plenty of bad days. For me, I had to learn to give him space to grieve when I’m feeling needy. And he had to learn to listen - men like to fix things from my experience and it scares them to see us women vulnerable, even if they don’t say so.

It’s still very early, you might find in time that you’re ready to talk about it? Just don’t put any pressure on yourselves, you must must must be so kind to yourselves!

Do you do the counselling together or separately? I only went to one lone session and didn’t find it helpful but I’m considering going again....

Ooooo the holiday sounds awesome! I hope you have a wonderful time!

[NRW39]

Im so glad you mentioned the relationship worries. That is really on my mind.
I know he feels awful, especially as he is the one who has the fertility issues...

I appreciate your sound advice. I'm hoping to put it into practice.

We are doing the counselling together. It's interesting as they draw things out, and you end up sharing things with eachother that you didn't know before. This is targeted counselling, so they know all about IVF. I would absolutely reccommend it Xx