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malteeza Wed 17-Oct-18 06:53:21

Im sorry if I do this all wrong and post in the wrong place and don't use the correct shorthand text. Please can someone help. I am slipping. After 5 years of ttc I was finally put forward for my first and only cycle of ivf on the NHS. Miraculously I became pregnant only to lose the baby through a silent miscarriage. This led to surgery followed by complications and then emergency surgery. I took this very badly both physically and emotionally. That was over a year ago and I have had counselling since but nothing can take away the emptyness of losing my baby and fear I feel of trying again. Some people don't even acknowledge that I did lose my child, seeing a miscarriage as something not that bad and measured in weeks-some weeks worse than others. Medically there is no certain reason for our inability although we have been told that our chances of getting pregnant naturally are like winning the lottery. I find the whole ivf process horrendous and (not including the horrible medications and injections) all about money and business. Before starting ivf I left a career where I was doing well and was in a senior position but was very stressful. I thought if I had a less stressful job maybe that would help with a pregnancy. So I completely left my profession to retrain. Now I am at the bottom of the work ladder in a new career where my boss /team are not that nice to me or each other. Since the ivf my hormones have never got back to normal. I have multiple false pregnancies due to late periods and crazy hormone changes, only to each month break my heart that this was not the one even though I knew it was not anyway. Family want me to try again but don't understand my fear of what happened as well as how do I arrange this with work when they are so unpleasant. I don't want to say where I am going but can't just book days off due to the nature of the job. I feel so sad and lost. All of the people I love and know have their own children and i spent my life working with children because this is my passion but I can't become a parent. I have thought about adoption but my husband is not keen. Please help me

glasshalfsomething Wed 17-Oct-18 06:56:24

I'm so sorry to read this. It sounds like you've had a terrible time. I can't offer any practical advice, except for to try and find a job that makes you happy. It may not help with your fertility issues, but it will take away stress form life in general.

I hope someone with more thoughts comes along soon.

physicskate Wed 17-Oct-18 07:53:02

Anything I say that tries to be reassuring will just sound like platitudes and what you've been through sounds quite traumatic, so I'm sorry in advance, because that's not how I mean to come across. I'm trying to be practical...

Unfortunately for many women, miscarriage is part of trying to start a family and does not mean that you would never go to term with an ivf baby. They're the worst thing that's ever happened to me, but many women trying for a family experience loss and just don't talk about it. And talking about and through your feelings would probably help, not to make you feel happy, but to bring you to a place closer to acceptance. Long term ttc (with or without miscarriages) is all about dealing with grief...

Agreed with the whole process being horrendous. The pressure is intense. But you need to weigh up if your desperation for a child outweighs the horrendousness of ivf.

I'd highly recommend that you go back to the same clinic to use their counselling services which are free to help you work through the feelings you have.

Hugs. It's utter utter shit. Be kind to yourself. Self care is so so important through all of this.

Runner31 Wed 17-Oct-18 08:04:25

I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. I'm at the very beginning of your journey (5yrs ttc, first ivf cycle ending in silent miscarriage) and I cannot even begin to imagine how I would cope with the stress and hormone influences you've gone through in the last year.
I have started to look in to acupuncture which has really good results for physical body stress and infertility, maybe that is something you could look in to? One thing I am trying to make sure I do is keep every part of my life on balance and not just stress free but making sure I'm happy in my work and home life. I find ivf so stressful and had an op prior to starting it so I feel like I've spent the last year hormonal and miserable. My physical health and fertility is out of my hands in so many ways so I try to take charge of the rest of my life to keep me sane. Is there any way you could look at moving to a different employer? We spend so much time at work it seem awful to be unhappy while your there.

Cherries101 Wed 17-Oct-18 21:58:16

I agree that you need counselling. I would also suggest reviewing IVF options again when you are ready. NICE recommends a minimum of 3 cycles before you can hope for a realistic chance of success. That one nhs cycle is just a trial unfortunately. Most women for whom it works, it tends to work in cycle 2 or 3, and one miscarriage doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll have a second one. In fact that you conceived at all on your first go is bloody impressive. Try to stay positive

Malteeza Wed 17-Oct-18 23:29:10

I just wanted to say thank you all for your replies, Tbh I have never used this before and almost wrote the post as a way of calling out to the ether. I had not expected any responses or if I did then just the usual platitudes and sympathy. I had not expected such kind, considered and straightforward responses from people I don't know. It makes me feel stronger just to know that. Runner31 I'm with you in the strange exclusive club that we find ourselves in. I can't say I know how you feel but I do get it. There are good days and bad days and today was a dip. You are all right about work/life balance, just wish I could win the lottery 😊 that would even things up. Thank you all for taking the time to read this and reply. Xxx

Ema36 Wed 17-Oct-18 23:30:17

And your right it sucks. Xxx

Runner31 Thu 18-Oct-18 07:53:15

@malteeza I'm new to posting as well. Always thinks it's that healthy for me to keep reading and reading posts with positive and negative endings I've noticed that the practical and honest responses and advice really get me through when I'm down. I really hope your feeling better today. Keep us posted one your journey. Xxx

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