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What if it never happens??

(16 Posts)
Merrz Fri 09-Feb-18 09:25:11

I hope i don't sound belittling with this post, i know i'm nowhere near the journey that a lot of you have been on.
At the 12 month ttc stage and about to start tests, suspect male factor issues but dh very much believes if it's meant to be it will happen and if it's not we shouldn't interfere sad
I know it is very early days compared to a lot of people and i don't want to sound doom and gloom but i just have a feeling we won't manage to conceive naturally and dh won't go down the route of treatment.
Just wondered really how people cope with the thought or reality that it will never happen for them? I've always just assumed i'd have dc and the last few years of my life has been pretty much entirely about having a baby, ie getting married, sorting out a suitable family home, saving, going on holidays etc we want to before having dc and this last year ttc. I just can't see where life goes from here if it doesn't involve having dc

iamloading Fri 09-Feb-18 09:35:07

I can understand how the worry can become all consuming when it's something you desperately want, and really have very little control over.
All I would say is you never know where life is going to take you and gut feelings can mean everything or nothing.
It took 2 years for me to get pregnant on fertility treatment, unbelievably my little girl was then stillborn at 26 weeks. 6 weeks later I fell pregnant naturally completely by accident, if anyone had told me before that I would fall pregnant naturally after going through all that I would have laughed in their face. But it happened and I'm now 11 weeks.
So just hang in there is my advice

Merrz Fri 09-Feb-18 10:10:29

Aww iamloading i am so sorry for your lost, that's absolutely heartbreaking after trying so long. Wow Congratulations though, that's amazing. Thanks for your advice, i'm just feeling a bit down about it all atm, need to pick myself up again. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy

TryingToStayRational Fri 09-Feb-18 14:58:45

Merrz it’s a perfectly normal thing to think. It’s hard for anyone when they have a plan and then something beyond their control means it doesn’t happen the way they expected or hoped.

I found getting to a year of ttc difficult, mostly because it meant admitting to myself that there might be a problem. But you’re a very long way from being out of options or even from there definitely being a problem, so I’d say try (if you can!) to take one step at a time and not worry too much about what might or might not happen longer term, at least until you have some more information. If you’re feeling really consumed and overwhelmed by things though do try to talk to a doctor or a counsellor about it. And your husband, of course.

Do you have any tests or appointments booked in? Is your dh ok with at least having basic checks done?

sherill9 Fri 09-Feb-18 17:02:09

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TammySwanson Fri 09-Feb-18 17:06:36

I know it's easy to say but please don't panic - yes, 12 months is the point which you are eligible for tests but it doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong. And if it is male factor (why do you suspect this, if you don't mind me asking? Male factor issues are in the main difficult to self-diagnose) then there are (in the large majority of cases) options available. You may have to wait for your DH to come round to it but it's not the end of the world.

And even if you don't end up with dc (and, like I said, it really is early days even if it doesn't feel like it) then know that there are many of us out there that never got our traditional happy ending but are working towards alternate ones. There's also a hell of a lot of online and irl support and groups for women like us now (god knows how people coped before the internet) and I'm not going to lie, it's not easy to go through, but you will survive and you will find your happiness somehow and someday.

(sorry this sounds horribly cliched but it is heartfelt, believe me grin)

TammySwanson Fri 09-Feb-18 17:08:21

Oh, and ignore the previous poster, they are a shill for a shitty Ukrainian clinic - they are spamming the boards with their posts, trying to sell their shitty clinic, and have been for over a year now. Their posts will be gone, but mine telling you how shitty their clinic is (it's in the UKRAINE by the way) will stay. There is some justice in the world.

sarah890 Fri 09-Feb-18 17:47:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RedCarsGoFaster Fri 09-Feb-18 17:53:13

Honestly? I'm not coping well. DH is infertile, and we aren't eligible for NHS ICSI due to my age (37) and I'm fucking devastated. We don't have the money to spend on it privately, and because I'm currently on antidepressants, we wouldn't qualify for adoption or fostering.

And the next person to say "JUST adopt" like it involves popping to the supermarket is going to have to deal with my meltdown on them.

It's shite, and I'm awaiting counselling for this. Hopefully you won't have to deal with the same issues in the end.

TammySwanson Fri 09-Feb-18 17:58:57

RedCars> So sorry to hear you are going through it. It's shit and no mistake. Do you have any hope of self-funding? (We were in a similar boat, a few miles up the road and we would have got funding but too old for where we live, just adding to an already shitty situation)

TammySwanson Fri 09-Feb-18 18:00:53

sarah890> before you post is gone and you are banned please I must know why you persist with your gibberish spam posts for your shitty clinic! What do you hope to achieve? Are you paid by the word? Don't you realise that noone is falling for your shit and all that's left is hundreds of posts like mine, telling people never to use the dishonest Ukrainian clinics that spam boards with their gibberish.

TammySwanson Fri 09-Feb-18 18:01:53

Doesn't your employer realise all your posts get deleted? Are you really working for a rival to the Ukrainian clinics and hoping that your destroy their reputation forever?

Merrz Fri 09-Feb-18 21:20:44

TryingToStayRational I think that's a lot to do with it, everything else in life I have really wanted/set my mind to I've managed to achieve and I hate feeling out of control.
We've both agreed we will book to see Dr when af arrives this cycle. Dh is ok for tests to see what's wrong but is not keen for ivf etc if required, he thinks it's interfering with nature confused
Dh was diagnosed with a Varicocele before we started ttc, apparently known to cause infertility, he's also 40 this year and on anti-depressants which I read some can cause issues with fertility.
RedCarsGoFaster I'm sorry to read your post, not sure what to say. I would also be devastated, not sure how I'd cope. Hope I never have to fine out sad

moominsareace Sat 10-Feb-18 16:56:41

It took 8 years for our miracle to arrive, but she's worth every tear shed and every injection administered. When you are going through it you feel that your world is coming to an end, but you do cope. I can't tell you how, but I think most of us have a strong sense of self-preservation, even if we hit rock bottom.

You and your DH will find a way through it all, and your views about what treatment is acceptable change as you learn more facts about your own situation. Don't lose hope - you are very, very early in your journey and hopefully all will be well. Fingers crossed.

eurochick Sat 10-Feb-18 17:21:44

OP I had a similar aversion to ivf as your husband pre-ttc. 4 rounds later we had a baby...

FairySweetness Mon 12-Feb-18 19:17:39

U feel the same today. TTC 2½ years. Completing our IVF finding application next week. I have endometriosis and PCOS. Husband struggles to ejaculate. Have two friends who have had two children in the time I've been TTC. Period came today and I'm feeling very down about it.

I'm full of many worries. Please see GP. There are many things that can be wrong and many things which can be done. I've had medications which made my periods regular, drugs and an op which did make me ovulate, but not reliably. So pleaser don't think it's just straight to the IVF.

I think I just have too many problems to be overcome without IVF. Good luck.

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