I don't understand why you can't just be happy for me?

[girraffe]

Because your a cow who hid your pregnancy to use my friendship and who can't put yourself into my shoes for 2 mins to think "why" I might have needed to distance myself when you'd described it as your worst nightmare

Right that's my outburst for the day. Anyone else want to vent at that one person who "just can't understand" ?

[FireCracker2]

say what?

I think you need to take 5 minutes to calm down, order your thoughts and then explain the situation from the beginning

[wowbutter]

It is really hard to understand infertility if you haven't experienced it.
I have never struggled to get pregnant, I cannot imagine the heartache involved.
People make mistakes, say stupid things and can't empathise.
A chronology of what you are upset about/why/who may be helpful here.

[girraffe]

Which is exactly why I posted in infertility...

So those who read... get it.

[FireCracker2]

The thing is OP it has come up under discussions of the day and I read it without seeing what forum it was on, so apologies.
But Op it sounds as though your friend has been insensitive

[girraffe]

Oh didn't realise. Sorry for snarky comment then

Yes someone was repeatedly insensitive but "couldn't understand why I couldn't just be happy for them"

[JoJoSM2]

I was told the other day that ‘it happens when you relax’. Didn’t ask her opinion either just makes me roll my eyes in private.

[MouseLove]

I’ve been TTC 15 months consistently but on and off since 2013. I’ve had a mmc at 10 weeks in February and no other pregnancies.

I get it. BUT my situation doesn’t reflect upon a baby growing in another person. I don’t begrudge a life because I don’t have one growing in me. I don’t want to live a bitter life because I want what they have. I think once you accept that others will fall pregnant and there’s nothing you can do to stop that as much as there’s nothing you can do to magically become pregnant then you will probably feel much better about it. At the end of the day, if nobody knew of your struggles they would see your actions as cold and rude. Why can’t you be happy for her? Really ask yourself that question. And if the answer isn’t selfish, then maybe rework how you think about the situation.

I hope you can take my post the right way, because I’d really hate for you think back on this time as a moment of bitterness and sadness. We only have one life. There’s no rewind or pause. Xxx

[girraffe]

Oh yes. If you just relaxed, it probably would happen though wouldn't it?

Yes my ovaries would probably heal themselves you fuckwit

[girraffe]

She did know of my struggles. She also knew why many people without any fertility problems thought her having another baby was a rediculously selfish and stupid thing to do but I the DM lifting of posts makes me not want to fill in more details

However... to be happy for other people isn't quite "just be happy" - it takes willingness and effort and it's hard

I have a pregnant relative. I'm happy for her. Jealous as hell and I cried when she told me and I haven't been there for her the way I would have liked to be if I could cope. I think never being asked to "just be happy" and her having a planned pregnancy in a stable relationship thinking about her future child's needs and preparing appropriately has a lot to do with how much whilst I'm jealous as hell, I can also be appreciative of her becoming a mother far easier

[physicskate]

My jealousy when I hear similar news comes from my defect of not being able to do what I am biologically programmed to do. Other people’s pregnancies remind me how defective I am...

[ohbigdaddio]

Why can’t you be happy for her? Really ask yourself that question. And if the answer isn’t selfish, then maybe rework how you think about the situation.

I think the answer is because you are so sad for yourself! It is so complicated and 'just' being happy for pregnant friends and relatives is a lot harder than it sounds. It reminds you that other people have it so bloody easy and yet you have never been (and may never be) pregnant.

Sorry, I'm talking about myself here OP and hope everyone here gets their BFP in the end. But after a long time of trying it's a massive struggle to stay positive (again, talking about me!) I'm keeping my head just above water and then every pregnancy announcement knocks me under the surface for a while.

Thankfully nobody has asked me to just be happy for them. If they did I think I'd probably tell them to f off! I have withdrawn from one pregnant friend who knew we were struggling to conceive and she told me she fancied TTC for her 2nd. A few months later and I get a 'Guess what?! I'm pregnant!!!' text. Since then I have really distanced myself and not been there for her at all. It is too painful and just being happy for her is something I don't have any strength left to do! It doesn't sit easy with me but she represents everything I want and I'm not strong enough to cope with that at the moment.

Jealousy and anger are common feelings so don't be too hard on yourself OP x

[MouseLove]

Why can’t you be happy for her? Really ask yourself that question. And if the answer isn’t selfish, then maybe rework how you think about the situation.

Sorry should have clarified...

If the reason IS selfish that’s ok, sometimes we need to be selfish to avoid hurt and pain.* It’s a self preservation mechanism that we default to. In this case I would distance yourself or be polite to avoid confrontation.*

If the reason is NOT selfish, maybe you just don’t like her, maybe the fact she’s been rude or unhelpful means that you need to rethink the friendship, that’s you rationalising that the situation really has nothing to do with the fact she’s pregnant and you’re not, it’s jus that she’s a bad friend.**

What I’m trying to get across is limit the people who make you feel bitter, jealous, sad or unworthy.* You don’t deserve to feel like that. Especially not while you’re busy creating your future family.* X

[Weedance]

There is also the humiliation factor. Sometimes its almost impossible to hold back the tears when someone shares their wonderful news and you are struggling with infertility. It’s humiliating to uncontrollably weep, it’s humiliating that your body is not doing it’s biological thing and theirs so easily can, it’s humiliating that you then have to consider explaining your reaction to them, especially if they are unaware of your struggles.

Fuck that. They can revel in their good news while I lick my wounds somewhere else thanks. Doesn’t mean I don’t wish the absolute best for them, I honestly do. It just means that I am protecting myself from the crushing humiliation as I scrape my broken heart off the floor.

[Weedance]

And for you op. I know of what you speak.

[GinwithCucumber]

Im reading this because it came up in active as well and i sympathise. It's hard to be publicly happy for everybody else's relentless good fortune. For me it was the opposite. Cornered at home with dc and hearing about everybody else's relationships, great new job, new house, raise.... it was hard. Pregnancy is a tough one. That fine line between saying honestly that you're pregnant and it not coming across as smug or gloating and not being patronising by hiding it... it is a tightrope. I played down my pregnancy for a woman who got pregnant a year later and celebrated her pregnancy, relationship, marriage, house, job, circle of friends.... i do sympathise with you because it's hard.

[ClareB83]

She should be more considerate. I had to tell my friend whose struggling to conceive that I was pregnant, but I did it when she was at home at the end of the day with her husband and could deal with any negative reaction in private after the call. We didn’t hide that we were happy, but we didn’t lay it on too thick either and talked about her current situation too. It’s not difficult to put yourself in the person struggling to conceives shoes and think how hard it must be. Even though she has previously sad it’s only irresponsible accidentally pregnant teens that really piss her off, I still don’t expect her to be cheerleading my pregnancy.

[greendale17]

I get it. BUT my situation doesn’t reflect upon a baby growing in another person. I don’t begrudge a life because I don’t have one growing in me. I don’t want to live a bitter life because I want what they have. I think once you accept that others will fall pregnant and there’s nothing you can do to stop that as much as there’s nothing you can do to magically become pregnant then you will probably feel much better about it.

At the end of the day, if nobody knew of your struggles they would see your actions as cold and rude.

Why can’t you be happy for her? Really ask yourself that question.

^Completely agree with this

[Weedance]

Infertility is a rollercoaster, up one minute, down the next. Not to mention intrusive testing, scanning, hormones, drugs, decisions, differing opinions of experts, spiralling costs, pressure on relationships and more! Sometimes it’s really painful when you are overwhelmed with all this, then blind sided by surprise baby news. It’s heartbreaking and conflicting as of course you wish the best for others but that is completely enmeshed with your own sense of failure and it’s hard to separate the two. Now if you can’t understand that, then you need an empathy check.

OP. Don’t let anyone make you feel as if you are doing something wrong or should be braver/happier/stronger. They are not you, nor are they in your position. Nobody, even those of us that have experienced the devastation of infertility, can tell you about how you should or shouldn’t feel. Look after you. Have space if you need it. Explain this to your friend if you want to, don’t if you don’t want to. This is your time to look after yourself and seek support whether it be counselling and/or from those who have experienced similar. These message boards are a good place to start. There’s some great support out there x

[EarlGreyT]

Why can’t you be happy for her? Really ask yourself that question.

Um, because such news usually makes you feel so sad at your own situation and is inadvertently sticking the knife in a little bit harder and making your own pain a bit worse that it’s impossible to separate any happiness for anyone else from your sadness at yourself.

Because it’s a stark reminder of what you want, but can’t have.

Because it makes you feel a bit more upset that your body is letting you down and can’t do what it’s supposed to do.

Because it makes you just a bit more angry at the unfairness of it all.

Because it makes you a bit more angry, frustrated and upset at your own failure to achieve something you can’t control and which makes you feel a bit helpless.

Because you feel like even more of a failure and that you’re such a horrible person you can’t even be happy for someone else, which makes you feel even worse about yourself.

On a good day, you might be able to cope with such news a bit better. But a lot of the time such news just exacerbates your pain to the extent it overwhelms any feelings of being pleased for others.

Don’t beat yourself up about this, it’s hard enough as it is without beating yourself up for having the feelings you do. They’re completely normal for someone going through this and it’s bloody hard.

[HashiAsLarry]

Why can't you be happy for her
Generally it's not a lack of happiness for someone else though, but not an effusive enough happiness for some people.