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Please tell me how you felt after you found out your transfer had failed

(17 Posts)
Fairylightsandwine Tue 07-Nov-17 19:52:33

I have written a similar thread in chat but thought I would post here too for people who can give me their own experiences.
Situation is I'm booked in for egg transfer on Friday. For various reasons it's at Guys in London (250 miles away) so lots of travelling.
Anyway, it's my best friends hen do this weekend. The full shebang. A hen house, swimming pool, cocktails, party games, escape rooms etc. Initially, I didn't even want to go as it fills me with quite a lot of anxiety and I wouldn't want it to impact on my chances. However, after re evaluating, I think it's important I make the effort and go.
However, the wedding, in a couple of weeks falls the day after we can officially test. I am a bridesmaid. I feel like if it's failed, going to a wedding the day after and being on bridesmaid duty would be the very last thing I'd want to do I thought I could probably put on a brave face and go as a guest, just not sure I could handle being a bridesmaid in those circumstances as my only similar experience is previous miscarriages where I felt dreadful. I spoke to my BF and explained all of this but she felt if I could go as a guest I could be a bridesmaid. She was very sympathetic but I'm not sure she understands just how dreadful is be feeling. She has basically said she will wait to hear from me the day before and if it's a success then great, if it's failed then I can decide based on how I feel. I already feel so stressed about it, not wanting to have it fail and then have to call her and feel forced into a decision I don't want to make. I just want to be relieved of bridesmaid duties altogether and just hopefully go as a guest and then it takes the pressure off.
To those who've had failed FET could you have put on a brave face?

Winenight Tue 07-Nov-17 20:54:54

On my first cycle I took the afternoon of test day off (Friday) as I'd heard that was a good idea. Unfortunately I got possibly the worst result- inconclusive. A low positive.

I had to go for a re-test on the Monday (and had no annual leave leave booked on that day). At lunchtime I called the clinic and was given the bad news that I'd had a chemical pregnancy. I managed to compartmentalise the pain and went back to work for the afternoon. I just switched it off and then grieved in the evening.

However, I don't know how hard it would be if I were at a wedding, possibly with babies and small children. And being a bridesmaid means that you will be noticed as part of the bridal party- it's not easy to slink away into the background.

It's very difficult and I don't think you can know how you'll feel until you get the result. Keeping everything crossed that it's a success for you!

RubyBoots7 Tue 07-Nov-17 21:03:29

Sounds like you're really struggling already with the anxiety. I don't know if the worry about how you might feel will be the same/worse/not as bad as what you will actually feel if it's not successful. Sometimes the worry is worse than the actuality.

Personally I didn't feel how you described when our first transfer failed. I was disappointed but felt fairly okay about it. BUT I also didn't feel how you describe now leading up to it. I was of the view that I hoped for the best, prepared for the worst and very much had in mind that often it takes three goes (and they base stats on that for a reason). I saw it as the first attempt and definitely not the end of the road. Just the first step on the journey.
The second time round I was pinning more on it but again felt quite philosophical. And if we were on our final go, I would've felt worse I think about the lack of further chances and at that point might've struggled a bit more with being cheery.

I don't know when you sadly had your MC but I would feel very different now losing a pregnancy halfway than I did at the ET stage. But again that's me.

If you genuinely don't feel you can do it and want to be a guest regardless because of your anticipatory anxiety building up more and more as you approach it, then maybe you could sit down with your friend and explain. I can understand why she'd be upset and find it hard to understand. Also as a bridesmaid, apart from photos, you don't really have to do much (esp if there's a few of you), so I'm not sure how different it'd be to being a guest? But if you really feel you'll have a meltdown if you press ahead, you need to tell her again x

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 07-Nov-17 21:19:40

I found out that that my first ivf failed at my Brothers wedding

The pain was awful. I had kinda hoped ivf would work after 7yrs ttc but it didn't

I think trying to put on brave face in front of lots of people and chatting to all of failed would be hard

All friends knew we did ivf and their sympathy and cuddles etc made me cry more

It's tricky. You don't want to let friend down but if failed you won't want to be bm. But if works You will be over the moon

JoJoSM2 Tue 07-Nov-17 21:28:48

How long after the transfer is the wedding? Official test days tend to be a lot later than you find out if you use pee sticks at home. You could consider testing a few days sooner so that you have more time to deal with your emotions before the wedding.

Fairylightsandwine Tue 07-Nov-17 21:51:49

Ruby, I don't normally struggle with anxiety really although I do admit IVF or no IVF the hen do isn't my scene! I'm just stressed because my day to day life is not stressful at all and as luck would have it with timings etc, I have a bloody hen do and wedding to deal with! The hen do is hard because I only know 2 of the 10 girls going but I can deal with that.
My issue with the wedding is that I would rather say right now that I won't be a bridesmaid as if it fails I don't know if I particularly want to plaster on a brave face/be in the pics etc. Would also have to have that conversation with her the day before.
We've had multiple MC so I guess I am pinning a lot on it.

JoJoSM2 Wed 08-Nov-17 07:43:28

Well, if you’d rather not be a bridesmaid at all then it’s best to tell your friend now. It’s still pretty late for her to find out but better now than at the very last minute as emotions will be running very high for her the closer it is to the wedding.

TheNewMrs Wed 08-Nov-17 07:55:05

I think you should explain to your friend that you'd like to be relived of all BM duties regardless of your outcome? That could take pressure off you between now and then smile
Could it be an issue for her financially? In that she's paid for your dress/shoes etc? You may have to offer to reimburse her for those things if she has.

eurochick Wed 08-Nov-17 08:09:23

Failed cycles didn't have a huge effect on me. I recall a bit of a hormone crash when stopping the progesterone but I could still have carried on with normal life. My mc was much harder to deal with.

ohbigdaddio Wed 08-Nov-17 10:09:08

I was devastated after my first round of IVF failed three weeks ago. Sadly my AF started days before the official test day so I more or less knew it hadn't worked. I think everyone is different and some posters say they weren't too upset so I think you need to base this on how you are as a person.

It's a difficult situation to be in. I'm wondering, if it was me, if I could slap a smile on my face and try to get on with the day but I'm not so sure! As a bridesmaid you're not as on show as the bride but people do look at you throughout the day and the photos etc. As a guest you can blend in more (and nip off for a cry if needed), this could be harder to do as a bridesmaid. Tell your friend soon and if she's a good friend she'll be disappointed but she should understand.

The day after I got my negative, we had a family gathering where there were children and I had to cancel, I just didn't have the strength. In fact, I opted out of most social things for about 2 weeks. It hit me hard but that's how I am as a person. It takes me a while to get my head together after a huge disappointment and I'm naturally a pessimist.

The wedding could be hard but remember you could get a positive!

Good luck, I'm with Guy's too.

Fairylightsandwine Wed 08-Nov-17 10:25:19

I have had a long chat with her about the whole thing. I said that I would rather just be a guest regardless of outcome as then it would take the pressure off and would have given her time to ask anyone else if she wanted. Her argument is that if I felt I could go as a guest regardless then I could go as a bridesmaid which I guess is fair. We have been best friends for a long time and she said it's important to her I'm in the pictures. I just feel I could more easily go as a guest if it had failed as I could be under the radar a little but as a bridesmaid you're really on show. It's very difficult to explain to her as I know she will be stressed in the lead up to the wedding etc.

Fairylightsandwine Wed 08-Nov-17 10:27:25

Just to add, the first time I raised this with her was over a month ago, I didn't have exact dates then but knew it would all be around the wedding.

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 08-Nov-17 14:10:22

Bm is totally different. You are on show. Everyone talks to you. You are in pics etc

If she was a true friend she would understand why you feel the way you do

Assume you aren't the only bm

Do you have a joint friend same size who could step in for you if need be

Or is she saying if you aren't bm don't come

Landy10 Wed 08-Nov-17 14:27:14

I would try and just be the bridesmaid and if it’s a bad result just try and ignore it (I know not easy). I went to a wedding as a guest a couple of days after a negative following ivf and had to be sure not to drink much as I didn’t want to burst out crying.

The reason I’m saying about be the bridesmaid is you don’t know how many times you will have to do this and in my opinion it’s important for “real life” to carry on otherwise you end up alienating yourself.

Miscarriage is very different because it’s an actual medical issue going on in your body right then. I could not physically have gone to a wedding during having a miscarriage whether I wanted to or not. For me personally failed ivf was more devastating mentally than a miscarriage but a miscarriage was a much harder medical situation to be in.

However if you genuinely think you will get to the day and not be fit to be a bridesmaid then you have to pull out now, but it may damage your friendship.

JoJoSM2 Wed 08-Nov-17 15:33:06

In the perfect world, your friend would be able to empathise and understand how you feel. However, she’s only just getting married. Has she even ever ttc? I’ve noticed that my friends who haven’t got children/infertility:haven’t tried to get pregnant, just don’t get it. In which case it could strain your friendship.

Ceara Wed 08-Nov-17 15:54:20

I agree that, given you have already been open with your friend and she is sympathetic (even if she won't entirely "get" it because - hopefully - she hasn't walked in your shoes) the best bet might be to pull out now as the least worst option, to avoid 11th hour disruption to the wedding.

You can't know how you will feel and for some people, the distraction of the wedding might be just the thing during the 2ww - but you are already feeling anxious about it so maybe better to let that stress go.

Personally, I wouldn't have wanted to do it. Like a previous poster, I had an inconclusive result / chemical pregnancy after my first transfer. I couldn't face a hen night the following day and made an excuse. I was still a mess for the wedding a fortnight later and missed the family photos due to having to hide in the car for a cry and to fix my face. One of the guests had a small baby which had just thrown my just-about-keeping-it-together equilibrium. If it had been a more straightforward failed transfer I may have felt more philosophical - though I doubt it. To be honest, I'm not sure if I would have been in a much better state to be a bridesmaid the day after my BFP. I was dazed and my emotions were all over the place. I remember going for a quite walk and sitting under a tree for ages, trying to take it all in. I'd have been a complete space cadet as a bridesmaid.

We're all individual in how we respond and you just won't know until you get there, so "guest but not bridesmaid" sounds a good option if you have any doubts right now.

geeup Thu 09-Nov-17 08:41:05

Everyone is different and it sounds like you really don't want to do it but you've asked for opinions, so here's how I felt/feel.
After my first 5 day embryo transfer, I started bleeding 5 days later so never made it to test day. Was I sad? Yes very. But would I have been a bridesmaid for my best friend the next day - hell yes!! I've had two failed cycles so far (second was a chemical) and although it is very very hard, you have to keep on keeping on. Sometimes that means putting a brave face on and going to work, a baby shower, going to a funeral, being a bridesmaid. Life unfortunately keeps happening while you're trying to conceive. Mumsnet often says you should put yourself first and do whatever makes you happy and I agree most of the time, but if the worst happens and this doesn't work, how will you feel in 1 week or 1 month or 1 year or 10 years later, that you missed out on sharing your best friends special wedding day? I've just found ttc - and ivf especially - a very long process and by saying no to a few things early on, I isolated myself a little from my friends. And I wouldn't recommend it. Luckily I've mainly got it back but it made me feel very alone.
But ultimately do what you want to do for self-preservation.
Very best of luck with your cycle - hopefully this will all be behind you in a couple of weeks and you'll get your bfp.

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