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Infertility

Usually ok, just not today

8 replies

GuntyMcGee · 12/07/2017 19:54

Sat in the house on my own listening to next doors baby crying and my god, it hurts. I feel like an utter knob sat here crying.

I'm usually ok with the infertility thing, feel like I'm coping ok but for some reason today it's just got to me.

We've now been trying for 10 years. What a shitty milestone. Yesterday I saw a Facebook post from an ex colleague whose little boy is coming up for 2. Had I not miscarried my only ever pregnancy after ivf, mine would have been due around the same time. If life weren't so fucking unfair I'd have a 2 year old.

Since I started ivf my friend has had two kids and another is about to have her first. I try so hard to be ok with it all. Sat at friends baby shower recently and realised that I was the only person in the room who hasn't got a child. Fucking hell, it hurts!

And I've got a beautiful toddler next door and a baby the other side. I hear the toddler playing and the baby crying and it's just yet another reminder of what I desperately want but can't have.

I don't even know why I'm writing this post, but just needed to get it out.

Need to pull it together before dh gets home because I can't bear to be upset in front of him.

Shit, life sucks.

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leccybill · 12/07/2017 20:01

Sympathies here from me. 10 years is a bloody long time.

I won't even pretend to know how you feel as my situation is not like yours but I'm 5 years trying but it's secondary infertility. I have a 7yo. Like you though, I'm mainly ok on a day to day basis, busy with work, hobbies etc- but sometimes it just sneaks up and bites you and suddenly you're depressed to fuck. Horrible isn't it. Go easy on yourself.

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daisydalrymple · 12/07/2017 20:04

Both seem hugely insignificant, but I read your post and wish I could just listen in RL.

Would it help at all this once to not hide it from your dp?

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GuntyMcGee · 12/07/2017 20:14

Thanks for replies.

Not sure whether it'd help opening up to dh. He's really wonderful but I get frustrated when I'm upset because he doesn't know how to handle it - he'll just become quiet, which is his thing, and then I'll feel frustrated because he's not a big talker. He sounds like a dick, but he's really not, just a different personality to me. I talk and rant and cry and he's a quiet one. We find each other equally ace and equally perplexing.

I don't even know why I posted. Was just washing up watching the kids through the window playing on the park and it hit me like a punch in the guts.

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daisydalrymple · 12/07/2017 20:26

Are you still having IVF?

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GuntyMcGee · 12/07/2017 20:47

@daisydalrymple

We had two rounds in 2014-15 and decided to take a break from it for a while. My cycles after second round have been all over the place so I wanted a bit of time to settle before we started anything again.

Have two embryos frozen, but they're of dubious quality. Not sure whether I could face another full round as the last one was horrendous and really knocked me for six.

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Whatamuddleduck · 12/07/2017 21:48

Oh gunty I'm sure you feel it but you really aren't alone. Infertility sucks massively. Even when there are no answers, just telling other people that this is how it is for you today is a good thing. It's not possible to be positive all the time.
Life is so bloody unfair sometimes! X

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daisydalrymple · 12/07/2017 21:58

Oh bless you, ten years is such a long time, it's not surprising you feel so low.

There's always somebody around on here to 'listen'. I know you said you don't know why you posted, but it might just be a good place to start off loading, to get your head clear enough that you can talk with your DH about it more openly? If you deal with things so differently, there will be some way of drawing on each other's strengths / differences to get to the point where you don't hide your low moments.

Maybe just a day when you're feeling a bit stronger, you can explain you have these low points and what would help from him would be x,y,z...

(I can't put myself in your shoes, but what I would say is my marriage is a bit fragile at the moment, and I've learnt it's always more helpful to address things that matter at a neutral moment. I'm not comparing my situation to yours at all, but from your posts, if I knew you in RL, I would be desperate to help you not feel so lonely in this). Forgive me if this is totally inappropriate!