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Am i over reacting to baby bombs?

(13 Posts)
Hope2409 Tue 04-Jul-17 17:01:18

Me and my DH have been TTC for 4 years, had 2 rounds of ICSI, first failed in Dec 16, second successful April 17 but unfortunately it wasnt to be and had MMC.
It was a bit drawn out as i had no bleeding or anything for weeks so had an MVA procedure which it turns out failed so got booked in for a D & C but it happened at home naturally a few days before.

That was 3 weeks ago now. I had 2 weeks off work when we initially found out and had the MVA but been back at work since, its been tough and i work with children which has made it harder but no one at work knows except my manager so i just carry on as normal.
The trainee is due the same time as i would of been and its been hard seeing her every day at the same stage, since being bck at work a few of the parents have announced their second pregnancies and ive found it hard to hear but put on a brave face and been ok.

Last night i got a suprise message from a friend, a perfect little 12 week scan pic, i wasnt expecting it, didnt realise she wanted children and i just broke down in a pile of tears.
My DH asked what was wrong and i showed him the pic, he put his arm round me and didnt say anything then off he went, he seemed annoyed that i had got upset about it and when i asked he said you do this everytime i dont know what you want me to do about it prehaps you should see someone.

So then i just felt silly for getting so upset, did i over react? I do feel sad when i hear announcements but its only when its a friend that i find i get upset.
I dont cry in their face or anything i smile and say the right things then have my cry at home. Does anyone else do this or is it just me? It just really hurts and feels so unfair how it happens for people so easily and my MC still feels quite raw i just couldnt help it i sobbed.

I think its also because im now the only one in our friend group without children now, i guess i just feel jealous and left out.

I thought i was doing quite well all things considered, i have tried to get bck to normal with work, days out etc... even if i havent felt like it, ive still carried on as normal and dont moan. Ive had the odd tearful moment but its not like its everyday, and after everything my hormones must be all over the place surely i'm entitled to some wobbles its been a lot to deal with.

He did later say sorry for getting annoyed and if i want to talk to him i can but i know all i will do is end up crying so what's the point.
I know he was as devastated as me when we were told about the MC but he just seems to have gone back to normal so quickly, where as i still feel sad about it.

I guess everyone is different but ive felt sad and on edge all day now and i dont know if thats reasonable or not, should i just embrace my miserableness or should i man up and suck it in?! confused

Any advice/experiences/words of wisdom would be much appreciated xxx

Maincat Tue 04-Jul-17 17:11:10

It's totally normal. I feel upset and jealous since my MC (a year ago) and although I'm genuinely happy for friends and coworkers it's extremely tough to take. Like you, I save my upset for home and end up crying my eyes out.

I think we're all different but there's no right or wrong way to react, so be kind to himself. You can't just get over it and move on always, so let yourself grieve and heal without judgement.

Also, my husband is similar. Supportive but doesnt quite get it. I think it's different when it's your body that's changed/ing and men just don't always understand.

You're not alone. There's no need to man (or woman!) up. It'll just take time xx

glastogal Tue 04-Jul-17 17:15:51

I fell apart when my best mate announced her pregnancy.. only at home but I couldn't help but feel devastated (for myself).

I was really happy for her but the ease with which they conceived (first try) just made me feel so barren and useless. Luckily, she was well aware of my battle with infertility and she told me early, via text, so I had a chance to process the news before scan pics started showing up. But it was a hard time.

You can't help how you feel - you have been through so much and you have every right to have an honest response. Don't feel guilty for it. Your DP probably feels a bit helpless and doesn't know what to do..

YANBU - it's a natural reaction. Process it however you need to, it might take some time to come to terms with it, but you will. Just give yourself a break flowersflowers

glastogal Tue 04-Jul-17 17:17:53

Sorry, i meant you aren't overreacting.. forgot where I was for a moment!

JumpingJellybeanz Tue 04-Jul-17 17:24:42

I've seen this with a close friend of mine. She can cope with people being pregnant when they're sensitive to her situation. What she can't cope with is , as you describe them, 'baby bombs'. Opening up a message to an unexpected scan photo. I think it's a rather cruel way of announcing a pregnancy.

ShesAStar Tue 04-Jul-17 17:25:57

When I miscarried my DH was more obviously upset than me, he cried in the scanning room when we found out and cried more when we got home and more when I actually miscarried. He's not an emotional man in general. I didn't feel like crying, I felt a bit dead emotionally and deeply sad. The sadness has never left me, I cry sometimes (six years later!). My husband is kind of over it, he never raises the subject but I still often think of the baby. In my experience it effected me in a life changing way whereas DH was very upset at the time. I'm sure everyone's different so not generalising, just my experience.

Chrisinthemorning Tue 04-Jul-17 17:26:27

Normal. We had a similar long and chequered history and I ran out of work once when a colleague told me (in a pretty tactless fashion) that she was pg. actually up and ran with a list of people waiting to see me.
Your feelings are normal, you are normal, allow yourself to feel this way.
I really hope you get your longed for baby soon.
flowers

ShesAStar Tue 04-Jul-17 17:27:43

Sorry I meant to say, I'm very sorry for your loss, it's still very fresh. You sound like you're doing really well, don't push yourself starflowersbrew

TammySwanson Tue 04-Jul-17 17:31:43

I pretty much had a breakdown when my DH's brother announced pregnancy (a week after our IVF failed and on DH's birthday no less) so no, not over-reacting at all. It's hard and anyone who hasn't gone through infertility, especially infertility with miscarriage thrown in, can't really understand how painful it is (and the guilt, etc that comes with the reaction). Also, even though your DH isn't showing it, doesn't mean he isn't feeling it - I think it's more common for men to hide their feelings about things like this than for women to do so - so keep that in mind (but obviously you know him better than me!) Does your clinic offer counselling?

physicskate Tue 04-Jul-17 18:34:25

Totally normal. I still can't see my best friend who bombed me at a dinner party. I would have been due two weeks after her (I had a chemical). She was ttc for 4 months. I know I've not been ttc long at 16 months now, but I just can't deal.

I dread to think what happens in Nov when we would have been due...

Hope2409 Tue 04-Jul-17 22:15:37

Thank you for your replies everyone, you have all reassured me that i'm not loosing the plot just yet!!! And helped me feel less alone.

It is just such a shit and lonely time, it drains you physically and emotionally, the whole experience of infertility has changed me then add the miscarriage too i'm not sure if i'm coming or going some days.
Think it didnt help that she sent a photo and our due dates would only be weeks apart (will cross that bridge later on)

Had a chat with DH this evening, he apologised for being annoyed and said it may not seem like it but he is really hurting too and feels really helpless and has hated seeing me go through it.
So you guys were right just coz he isnt showing it he is doing it tough too just in a different way.

Xxx

NataliaOsipova Tue 04-Jul-17 22:21:49

Last night i got a suprise message from a friend, a perfect little 12 week scan pic

Can I ask - did this friend know about your miscarriage and that you were trying for a baby? If not, I think - while it's completely understandable that you're upset - you should cut her a bit of slack. If she did know, however, then that was spectacularly insensitive.

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.

HollyWollyDooDah Tue 04-Jul-17 23:33:46

Nope you are not overreacting
I've been baby bombed so many times this year, been ttc for two and a half years

I have come to some sort of resolve with myself recently. Although I did break down when an acquaintance announced she was pg at a hen do I went to recently. I don't know her very well but she's very immature, is not faithful to her boyfriend and I get the vibe that it was an accident.
Also got bb'd by my sil who I had no idea was trying - that got to me a bit because I didn't think she was ready to settle down for that.

However nobody truly knows what happens, maybe these people were trying for years same as me but didn't say anything. I mean they don't know how long I've been trying so if I do fall pregnant it'll be just another pregnancy announcement to them.

It is healthy to let it out though, cry if you need to, shout if you want to but don't bottle it up

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