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Do you want to see your donor?

(18 Posts)
Rosyheart Tue 11-Apr-17 11:52:58

hello! I'm Rosy and I'm in the begining of my journey to ed ivf. We are now looking for a donor for us. My husband is choosing a woman who will give us her eggs from data base of our clinic by himself. There are more than 300 of them. And we have only one week to choose. The thing is that I don't want to see her. Honestly, I'm dying of curiosity, but I'm afraid if I saw her, I will always be trying to find some similarity in appearance with my baby and her. And if I look at my future baby I will always see that woman. I don't know what to do, really...Does anyone feel the same? How do you manage with it? I'm torn between curiosity and fear...

valgr11 Tue 11-Apr-17 14:12:48

Sorry dear. I think I would feel the same. I mean I'll have to start with donor eggs as well. With my eggs it doesn't work .. and now I'm intresteed in the information about the clinics where one can get proper treatment. I believe you'll be strong and would be able to cope with that.

JoJoSM2 Tue 11-Apr-17 15:14:29

I don't think I'd want either myself or DH to see the pics to avoid ever comparing the baby to the donor. I'd probably just specify someone of similar height, looks and intelligence...

Rosyheart Wed 12-Apr-17 09:50:57

Hello! Thank you for your replies. I thought I'm the only one who thinks that way.
I also told my husband my preferences, what do I expect from the appearance of the donor. He says he chooses the girl that looks like me....well I hope so.

Rosyheart Wed 12-Apr-17 09:52:38

actually you gave me a good idea...I want my husband choose 4 or 5 donors and then we let the doctor to decide whose eggs will be transfered, so that we both don't know exactly the donor. That's great! I think that what I'll do!

Rosyheart Wed 12-Apr-17 09:55:56

Hello! Well, I don't know what exactly are you looking for? is the price important for you? have you already consider some variants? Are you sure you need ed?

JoJoSM2 Wed 12-Apr-17 11:36:39

I think choosing 4-5 donors and not knowing the actual one sounds like a great idea ;) Good luck x

greenleaf23 Wed 12-Apr-17 13:55:25

Why? Why you told that you would see this woman in your future child. No, don't say that. You will love this child, and you won't think bad about the donor.
According to the legislation of the country we applied for an egg donation, it is forbidden to see the donor. You just have an opportunity ti choose some from the clinic's donor database. We were able to choose up to 7 donors. I was trying to choose someone who is similar to me, who has any similarity to my appearance. I want to see my eyes in this baby and I will. All donors were great, looked nice and smiled. We were surprised that clinic provide us with the access to the database before we started the treatment.

Rosyheart Wed 12-Apr-17 15:02:07

I mean that I don't want to see her in a video or a photo. I know about the law. In the country where we are going to get our treatment it is also forbidden. And we also got the access earlier.
If I don't know the appearance of that woman I couldn't see her in my child. I'll be looking for only our affinities. I'll imagine that my child has my eyes and my lips.
But if I see her, her face will leave an imprint in my memory. You know such proverb? - fewer secrets to keep will help you have a sound sleep -. That is for me!
How much time had passed since you chose your donor? Did you remember that woman now?

WillowParker Thu 13-Apr-17 07:45:49

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Rosyheart Thu 13-Apr-17 08:04:04

Hello, Willow! No, I firmly decided, I don't want to see any photos of her or video.
I think my curiosity will fade away as soon as I get pregnant...I want to be a mom after all.I want our donor to be healthy. and I'm sure they are healthy, because my clinic has strict requirements to their donors.
My congrats to you! What is your term?

WillowParker Thu 13-Apr-17 11:00:49

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Rosyheart Thu 13-Apr-17 11:09:32

I'm happy for you!!!
I also want to feel that feeling! The little human being leaving in me, hearing my voice, growing inside of me....And I will be the one who give birth to another one person!!! Oh, my...I lost myself in dreaming...I wish it could be true!
Wow! My clinic also has such requirement! I believe it's a common rule for clinic everywhere...

WillowParker Thu 13-Apr-17 13:07:02

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valgr11 Thu 13-Apr-17 15:05:00

Great thread ladies. Good to have you here.. and many thanks.. After reading all your commens throughout the thread I feel great relief concerning certain health and safety issues that might take place in such a situation. However there are still pros and cons that make me doubt about the right choice. Price of course is not the last of them.. Though I'm sure quality donor material plays more important role

BlueKarou Thu 13-Apr-17 15:34:27

I used donor sperm and had no interest in seeing a picture of the donor for the reasons you say - I didn't want to look at my child and see anything of anyone else.

FWIW I have also donated eggs; I gave basic info; height, hair colour, eye colour, etc, but at no point did they take a picture of me, so it's not always the done thing to have a pic of the donor.

Rosyheart Fri 14-Apr-17 10:04:48


I'm glad you found this helpful! You're right the price is important but absolutely not the principal issue, especially when dealing with your pregnancy and the baby.
Tell about your doubts, maybe we can help you? You know the onlooker sees most of the game...

Rosyheart Fri 14-Apr-17 10:37:21

I think it depends on the legislature of the country and the special requirements of each clinic for donation programs...different levels of anonymousness.

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