I feel like a B*T*H

(12 Posts)
MrsDarcy4092 Tue 05-Apr-16 20:31:58

And thats it really!!

We are over two years TTC now. Male factor infertility. Looking like IF we can start treatment it will be at the end of the year at the earliest. And i am loosing interest in my friends lives. I am lucky that i still have friends without children, not many but some, so thats good, we meet up and hang out and its great. But in every circle of friends i have there is at least one with a baby. I was able for a long time to be happy and interested and ask all the right questions. But now, i just don't give a sh*t and it makes me feel like such a cow. I have no interest in texting these friends as i know the response to "how are you" will be centred around the child. No interest in arranging a time to see them as i know they cant possibly ever leave the child at home with its father and meet me like two normal adults. 2 years ago i could play the game, but i don't seem to be able to anymore. Meeting up now revolves around parks and playgrounds and i am loosing it!!! THey all have just one child but its coming up to the 2 year mark where normally second pregnancies are announced and to be honest I don't think i could fake it. I think my sister is pregnant with her second and i feel awful as i want to be so happy for her but its plagued by absolute grief.

Some days i am super positive and others, like today , i am a bloody grinch!!!

Maybe its time for more counselling

charlottexox Tue 05-Apr-16 21:34:02

Hi!
I can sympathise with you, I too struggled with infertility due to having PCOS and also resented friends. My brother and his partner had my niece two years ago, and as soon as they announced it - I ran to my room and burst into tears!
I just wanted to let you know to never give up, because I tried for 4/5 years and now I am almost 20 weeks pregnant. There is always light at the end of the tunnel smile

bananafish81 Tue 05-Apr-16 23:15:22

You are absolutely not alone! I started a thread about this horrible limbo about not seeing friends with kids and generally being fucked off with the life of being a professional infertile. It's called childless but not childfree - lots of likeminded bitches, of which I am definitely one xx

MrsH14 Wed 06-Apr-16 20:01:58

You are definitely not a bitch. You are just human. For us life sucks, for others life goes on. I've had 2 pg announcements in 2 days on fb and thankfully neither of them are close friends. If it carries on at this rate I won't have any friends left on there.
Nobody can blame you for feeling the way you do.

broodykingy Thu 07-Apr-16 12:29:53

So glad to see this post, I am now up to our 17th pregnancy announcement in the 1 1/2 year that we have trying (which i know is not long compared to many people on here) and whilst i am happy for my friends i just can't do the whole excited friend act anymore. I just want to cry everytime there is another announcement. I have lots of little groups of friends and in every one there is a baby or someone pregnant. it is just so hard, some of them know we have been ttc but then that makes it a bit awkward and then the others that don't know ask all the usual questions 'when are you going to have kids'. One thing i have learnt since ttc is that you should never ask anyone that as you have no idea what is going on in there life. My sister is pregnant (and concieved in the first month of trying) and i cried when i found out, i only see her about once a month but try to speak to her often but i feel like such a sh*t sister as i just feel jealous, i should be more excited then i am and that annoys me.

broodykingy Fri 08-Apr-16 09:51:19

Also sick to death of hearing people moan about being pregnant 'I'm fat', 'I'm tired' and the worst 'it's ok for you, I can't drink'. Just recently had a friend say she will 'celebrate as best I can' for a friends birthday meal we have planned!! Drinking is not everything, I've been on plenty of nights out and not drunk but I've never moaned. I would sacrifice anything to have a baby. And I know they don't intend to upset people and just don't even think, so i have to sit and smile and be nice. Rant over, sorry! X

friends123 Fri 08-Apr-16 11:04:34

Hello, I'm so glad to have found this post, and to know it's not just me. I seem to hate everyone these days i no longer do facebook, the TV always seems to have a program or an advert on every minute which seem like a total kick in the teeth. and I think I'm slowly turning into a recluse! All the time I feel soo guilty about my behaviour because it's just not who I am . My 19 year old as just announced she is pregnant after 3 months of dating which as probably hit me the hardest. . How long have you ladies been trying? Any idea of the cause? .
I'm 28 been trying for 28 months., regular periods and ovulate on the same day every month, hsg was clear . My husband as had 2 SA both showed low morphology ( second test was improved). I've been told that this is definitely not the problem. Soo fed up trying, waiting, thinking and everything else that comes with the infertile label. :-/ .

broodykingy Fri 08-Apr-16 11:15:31

Hi friends128,

I only joined yesterday and already it is making me feel so much better knowing that it's normal to feel like this.

I'm 29 and been trying 16 months, all tests clear so far including other halts but my periods are pretty irregular. They weren't able to do the blood test for ovulation because of this so I'm thinking there may be problems there. Some months I can feel like I ovulat and others I don't. So at hospital next month for referral to see the consultant and go from there.

friends123 Sat 09-Apr-16 06:47:25

Hi broodykingy, yeah me two I joined yesterday and I feel so much better, none of my friends have had any sort of problem so could never understand how it feels day in day out when it's all you want. It seems were at similar stages, I had my first appointment in February, I had a hsg and a ultrasound but I'm still waiting for some results from the ultrasound however it's been a month.. Fed up of waiting already:-(. I hope your appointment goes well, it certainly felt like a relief after my first appointment. ( finally somebody listening) even though I ovulate every month I think they are gonna try me on clomid for a few cycles..I also have suspected endometriosis.
Let's hope our time will happen shortly. :-).

friends123 Sat 09-Apr-16 08:51:50

Broody do you take your temperature etc?

broodykingy Sat 09-Apr-16 09:09:00

Fingers crossed you get your results soon.

No I haven't, was thinking about this yesterday and that I need to start trying that and was thinking of buying an ovulation monitor but not sure which to get. I've used the single sticks in the past. I think I've been scared to track everything in the past because the baby thoughts consume all my thoughts as it is and I thought maybe I will become even more stressed about the situation but surely more knowledge is better. Wait for next AF then get testing X

friends123 Sat 09-Apr-16 10:37:57

Yeah I would definitely recommend it, I used the clearblue dual hormone kit however I got totally obsessed and it was costing a fortune. I don't think using them is necessary either. With me, sometimes ovulation would try to happen but probably the stress and upset caused it to stop,so I would have a positive test and think I was about to when simply it wasn't the case. However a temperature shift confirms ovulation and with fertility friend you may be able to see some pattern.
It's really Shit isn't it I often feel I don't know who I am anymore.. I'm hoping for the miracle pregnancy people talk about after the hsg, must of skipped me :-).

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