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Falling out with friends

(19 Posts)
lugo40 Thu 17-Dec-15 16:39:12

Or just realising they are not as good a friends as you thought.

This is what i am curently finding difficult about infertility and i don't know if its just that i have changed. i am up and down and angry and upset at times still digesting the information myself and therefore i am not very tolerant. I have just been amazed by some friends reactions and how unsupportive they are. It makes me think, do i really want you as a friend? some of my friends are fab, know how to support me by just listening and giving hugs when needed. Others i feel i listen to thier shit all the time and be mega supportive and then when i need it back i just get silence- what is that about?1 are people scared of talking about infertility or do times like this just show peoples true colours? or am i just being over sensitive? this really has shown me which of my friends are real friends and i love them dearly for it. People who i thought were good friends i can seriously see myself distancing myself from. Anyone else feel like this?

MehMehM3h Thu 17-Dec-15 21:06:33

I'd like to think that it's because they don't know what to say. I have a friend similar to yours - I always give her my time and listen to her issues, this is going back years now. I remember kicking off at her because anytime I wanted to vent about my wedding, she would turn it around about her. If I ever had issues...she would send me a virtual hug over WhatsApp/text and that would be it. We wouldn't talk about my issues again. I eventually realised this is who she is. Even after telling her how I felt, she still hasn't changed or tried to make an effort (this is a friend of 20+ years!). Needless to say, I haven't mentioned the infertility stuff at all!

My best friends have on the whole been great...but they have made daft/insensitive comments and I do think it's because they have no idea what this is like or how shit it is. So on top of everything you're going through you need to cut them all some slack... (!).

I'd say stick to confiding in those that give you comfort and only bring it up with the rubbish ones if they ask you - at least that's what I have found works for me.

I have distanced myself a bit from my best friend - I don't make as much of an effort with her, partly because she has a new baby and wants to talk about him (and give me different perspectives of how she's envious of my free time and that she knows I'm dying for a kid but I should really enjoy my freedom! hmm I wanted to smack her for that!) And partly because work is busy.

I honestly do think that your friends maybe have no idea what to say to comfort you that isn't patronising and therefore would rather not discuss it...or they're wary of upsetting you further so might wait for you to bring it up.

Sorry about the long message!

Domino777 Thu 17-Dec-15 21:09:31

When the shit hits the fan, you do learn who your new friends are!

Domino777 Thu 17-Dec-15 21:09:43

Real not new

Biscuitsforbribes Thu 17-Dec-15 21:38:39

Op I was literally in your position last week! You absolutely have my sympathies, people can be utterly useless.

Try to see the silver lining in that going through this process will show you exactly who is there for you at your low points, and who will be happy for your happiness. These are the people you want in your life as you start this new chapter. I know it's a total cliche, but it's genuinely the only thought that gets me through some moments!

But no you're not being sensitive at all, and if you ever want to rant feel free to message me! flowers

Fractiousfractions Fri 18-Dec-15 13:21:50

Just wanted to pop on and say sorry you're in this situation, you're definitely not alone in this. It's one of the things I'm finding really hard at the moment (see my recent mega rant on the Mind numbing boredom of infertility thread).

I didn't ever want to be in this situation and to lose friends over it is devastating. But then if they can't support us during this awful phase in our lives are they really the friendships that we need to cultivate? And on the up side it really does highlight the good friends, as Biscuits's great post says.

lugo40 Fri 18-Dec-15 18:47:27

Thanks so much everyone! I really appreciate all your comments it's so nice to know I'm not going mad or being unreasonable. Such a hard time so it's lovely to have a space place to vent!

icy121 Fri 18-Dec-15 20:00:51

Lugo to use the MN acronym - YANBU!! I've had the same, and I think most of us have. I have close to fuck-all support IRL, and have variously been told I need to relax, that I need to stop going on about it, that children are a gift not a given - and that's just one person! Who would probably think she's quite supportive but she is fucking clueless. I was going to deny thinking it, but fuck it; I hope she goes through the same and finds out what it feels like.

So no. Vent, rant and launch into honest (and preferably foul-mouthed wink) tirades, because from my experience you will get fuck all airtime in real life.

MehMehM3h Fri 18-Dec-15 22:25:00

Icy, how the fuck have you not punched that person in the face? I've read that and am annoyed.

may have anger issues

Beansprout30 Mon 21-Dec-15 17:58:24

I found my best friend to be completely unsupported, in her defence though I never openly admitted we were having infertility troubles but she must have been really stupid if she hadn't worked it out. I'd made a big effort to show an interest in her children/pregnancy but not once in six months did she so my has text me to ask how I am, that's all I wanted was a little interest. Am now fortunate to have gotten pregnant but I feel like I don't wish to share my news with her.. I don't feel like our friendship will be the same again now

Beansprout30 Mon 21-Dec-15 18:00:13

Sorry for the poorly written post above should have read back through!

I wish you all the best op and my advice is stick with the real friends who are there for you and don't lose any sleep over those who are not.

BipBippadotta Mon 21-Dec-15 18:24:58

'A gift not a given?' Jesus, that is just begging for a slap round the chops.

I have a deeply irritating pseudo-Buddhist friend who, after my dd was stillborn at full term, couldn't stop regaling me with sanctimonious parables about how the Buddha dealt with stillbirth and infertility amongst his followers (generally by patronising the living shit out of them). He also told me that my fertility issues were caused by the fact I didn't want children enough, and was likely to be an awful mother if I succeeded in producing live young. I managed to practice just enough loving kindness not to garotte him with his own intestines. We are no longer friends.

People can be total shits.

BipBippadotta Mon 21-Dec-15 18:27:49

And flowers to you, OP, and everyone else suffering the horrors of infertility. It's the loss that just keeps taking away!

lugo40 Mon 21-Dec-15 22:14:39

oh gosh it makes me so sad to read all of your experiences. Some so called friends really have been awful at a time when we really need kindness.

I too feel like when i do (being positive) eventually become a parent, however that may look, i begrudge sharing my happiness with these people who cannot share my sadness. I think our friendship has been altered forever.

somyasharma Tue 22-Dec-15 09:00:06

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Holly34 Wed 23-Dec-15 11:14:04

Ok darling you are a wonderful person! On your own you can do anything and everything. Being there for others takes a real person at least you know your not selfish.

You must put yourself first, I have learnt this from experience in life. Just love yourself take care of yourself do things for yourself don't wait for others to come around and make you feel good. I don't want to sound you should become self centered.

Second let go of those people who are selfish, self centered, and don't care for you in return, I wouldn't waste even a minute explaining anything to them, people like that have no conscious, so why even bother speaking to them. (trust me it will make them very curious eventually but you must stop worrying about them)

We all have problems but they differ from person to person, this is the one for you, its what makes you worry and sad obviously. You need POSTIVE people around you. You will need to be positive first to attract these positive people in your life. Sometimes we can bring out the positivity in people by just being positive ourselves first. who knows may be one of your selfish friends will turn around and become the best friend you have always wanted.

Give yourself 'Time & Love'

Lots prayers and best wishes for Christmas season smile

Thurlow Wed 23-Dec-15 11:24:56

Can I offer a perspective from the other side?

I think for some people, it really is a case of are people scared of talking about infertility?. Because they are.

I have a close friend who is going through this and I desperately want to be supportive, but it is hard. Not that I mean that in a self-pitying way at all. It's just... I worry a lot whether I'm going to say the right or wrong thing. If I ask her questions about it, am I going to ask on a day when she was feeling OK and now I've just made her sad again? Does she just want to have a conversation for once about the telly or her job, and not feel she is defined by her current infertility? But if I don't ask, because I think she might not want to be asked about it constantly, is she then thinking that I don't care and I'm not interested?

Similarly conversation we do have about normal life - I am fortunate enough to have DC, but because I don't want to witter on about DC when she is going through a horrible time, my conversation might sound a bit limited. So I worry that if I don't mention DC ever, she might be thinking, FFS, I don't want people to hide half their life from me. But if I do mention DC, she might be thinking, really? You want to talk about children with me?

It feels like a minefield sometimes. And equally, it's not something that I feel overly comfortable explaining to my friend, because that feels like making her problem about me, which it clearly isn't.

I'm very sorry for anyone going through this flowers But I just wanted to explain why some friends might seem useless. It might not be deliberate - they might be trying to work out the right way to act and unfortunately getting it wrong.

lugo40 Wed 23-Dec-15 11:50:22

thanks for posting Thurlow, there are always two sides to a story, if not three!

I completely understand that its a mindfield. I guess, what upsets me is my closest friends, those who i thought were my bestest friends. As i would hope they would be able to be comfortable enough with me to say if they dont know what to say rather than just saying nothing. Or say, i am sorry you are so sad rather than trying to cheer me up by telling me its not like i have a terminal illness. Or not responding at all to text messages when i say i am really struggling. I really dont expect my friends to become counsellors and fertility experts and certainly for people i am not very close to i imagine its really difficult to know how to respond as its such an intimate topic. I am just disappointed in family and my best friends.

I had a chat with my good friends after making this post and apologised for laying my feelings so bare for them that i appreciate it makes some uncomfortable and i was sorry. They said basically its really hard for them as they cant do anything to help expect listen.... my reaction to that is how do you know someone is listening if they just go silent? they need to tell me they are listening so i no its ok to talk and they are there. And i reassured them its ok to not be able to do anything to help, i have doctors who are trying to help, i dont need them to try and fix me. I just need them to say "what your going through is shit im so sorry"

One friend said to me, "i dont want to keep asking you" so i have told her to please keep asking me as if i dont want to talk about it that day i will say.

Sometimes you just need to talk to your friends about what they expect from you and keep checking in to see if its still helpful. My only disappointment is the silence as now if i am honest i am completely put off talking to them as the silence felt so awful last time.

I completely hear what you are saying Thurlow, it is a hard situation for everyone involved, even if they are only distantly involved. And its always good to be able to support each other on here and hear others points of view.

Thurlow Wed 23-Dec-15 11:57:13

That sounds really good. It's just about honesty, isn't it? And with close friends you should be able say how you feel. I'm glad you were able to tell them that the silence was hurtful - of course it was. And you've given them a chance too to say why they were silent.

Crossed wires cause so many problems, sadly. I hope you can all stay honest with each other x

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