A really sh***y situation HELP

[Writingdragonfly]

Ok so at roughly 3.12pm today (I know this because it's the time we leave for the school run and my toddler is nothing if not brilliant at managing emergencies at school run time!)
My dd managed to use almost an entire roll of Andrex and block the toilet.
No problem, I think, it'll settle and all
Will be well.
I forget this fact until my older dd needs a wee at 6 pm and the water hasn't moved.
I proceed to use bleach, the toilet brush, a small jug that i don't mind parting with to remove the water so I can see if the flush clears it, almost flood the bathroom and I'm out of ideas.
Also I'm a single mum and have no plumbing experience. I would give my right breast for a man in saggy jeans who knows his way around the u bend right now!
So it's now nearly 8pm and the toddler tried to pee outside like the dog (ugh) but peed on her skirt and then dragged the skirt through the house.
Kill me now.
So I ask my friendly next door neighbours if they have a plunger I can borrow and they do but they're jehovas witnesses and keep talking about going to their church meanwhile I think i may need a wee.
So in I go to begin plunger action and it's some weird contraption with a bicycle pumping action, a trigger and a very large circumference and it hates me.
I have bleach on my nice top because I didn't think to change and DONE right now!
Anyone got any advice.
Also did I mention it's that time of the month. SOOOO not the time for this madness!!!!!! Help?!

[mineofuselessinformation]

Stop trying to flush it - there's too much there.
Get in there with your arm inside a bin bag and fish out as much as you can. You might then be able to plunge the rest.

[BathildaBagshot]

Tie a carrier bag round the head of a mop and use it as you would a normal plunger. Always works for us!

[LMGTFY]

DH says to get a mop and shove it up and down like a plunger as hard as you can. He also says get a carrier bag to put the mop into for when you finish. Good luck.

[redhat]

I agree, get your hand right in there and scoop the lot out. Its toddler and child wee, its not like its diarrhoea from an unknown workman.

why would bleach clear it?

[BeyondTellsEveryoneRealFacts]

Carrier bag and mop saved us from a similar situation. You might need to get some of the crap out first. Unfortunately for us, this was literal.

[RavioliOnToast]

wee in the bath for now.

apart from that, i have nothing useful to add...

[MrsSpecter]

Yep carrier bag over the mop has resolved all my toilet blockages.

[Writingdragonfly]

I have stopped flushing it, but my toilet trickles water into the bowl constantly and the water level keeps rising! Somewhere on Google said strong bleach would break down waste stuff! Tried putting hand in there already but all I got was poo in my rubber gloves!

[Writingdragonfly]

Dd1 needs a poo.....

[Kittyrobin]

I use a coat hanger wrapped in a plastic bag and just dig it out.

[Kittyrobin]

Actually I don't put a plastic bag on it, just use a coat hanger with plastic bag over my hand as usually don't have any gloves when neede.

[Writingdragonfly]

I only have wooden and plastic hangers
I'm regretting buying the super strong tissue paper now
Darn you Andrex!

[TheLastOneStanding]

Here you are. Very easy and effective (only 2 mins to watch)

And yy to having a spare bag with you to put used bag/mop into when you are done.

[MrsSpecter]

I always buy cheapo toilet roll now because the thicker stuff always blocks the loo.

[Writingdragonfly]

Operation plunge complete! Just had to get my whole arm in the loo and remove practically a whole loo roll and what would appear to be a toy teacup out of the u bend.
Thanks for the help guys.
Crisis averted!!!