Rude Home Ed Community

[Langlang6543]

I’ve had nothing but a cold response from local home Ed groups. I am in between Home Ed and awaiting a school place. To say that this community is welcoming is an overstatement. I’ve attended a few things in a friendly manner myself and wasn’t in anyone’s face, I tried to initiate friendly talk. People sat with their backs to me or spoke through my child, I was barely acknowledged. Whenever I post on other group pages no one ever replies back to my query. It is making me incredibly sad and depressed because all I want is for there to be a bridge between now and whenever my dd restarts school, I don’t expect for my dd to be best mates with anyone’s child and for them to feel as though we have then dropped them. I am just talking about playing alongside in a friendly manner. It’s ridiculous that it’s like this. My dd is becoming incredibly sad too and more isolated by the day, she had a bad case of bullying and it was a big step to decide to home educate inbetween. I got her on board by saying how exciting it will be to attend these groups and activities but I have completely let her down. There’s a real snobbery about it, that your either fully in or not. It’s as though we are like a virus no one wants to come near. I’m sure not all regions are like this but unfortunately that’s the case for mine. I am sure other people in our situation could have experienced something similar and I’d like to ask how they coped. I am looking for her to attend non home Ed groups such as rainbows etc. Just at a complete loss with it all. And we have tried now for nearly 8 months.

[itsstillgood]

That's really sad and something I worry about from the other side being the long term home educator who wants people to feel welcomed. I am often busy running activities and sometimes barely manage any conversation at groups (also really shy face to face) but it would mortify me if anyone experienced that at any of the activities I run.
If anything I think it has got harder as the community has grown, it isn't always obvious that someone is new and I know that I have on occasion been so busy chatting to someone I haven't seen in over a year because we've been at different activities. I'm grasping at straws really, it's rude and I hope you find some support.

[AspergersMum]

@LangLang6543 I'm so sorry that you are having this bad experience. It isn't easy being the new one at groups, especially when other kids have known each other for years. Don't give up, eventually you'll find somewhere where people have a better opportunity to chat (or the manners and decency to include new people!). Sports classes can be good for this as the parents are just waiting so it is a nice opportunity to get to know people. I've had the same experience so now try to always welcome new people. We finally found "our people" and it was such a huge relief.

[RomanyQueen1]

Aw, that's sad. We were unlucky that there wasn't really an active group in our area, but when kids did meet up the parents were lovely.
I think Rainbows is a good idea. do you know you can access the groups such as sports, Drama etc from the LEA. Obviously, the ones run by a school they need to be registered, but if run by the LA even if in a school, your child is entitled to join.
I hope it works out for you a bit better, and it's a shame you got such a response.

[Karlwho]

Op I'm sorry you're both going through this, and I also COMPLETELY understand.
I tried so, SO, hard to meet and befriend other he in my area. I attended the 'not back to school' picnic and not ONE person would speak to me. I was looked at like I was filth. My kids tried t o play with the other's, and were told to 'piss off or I'll gob on ya'.
I joined fb to kee p in touch with the HE community. I thought at least I'll try and keep in the loop on a national lev el lol. The HE from my area found me in the main uk group, posted my email address, and encouraged others to spam me. All I did was ask if I could join their group.
Cliques don't stay on the playground I'm sorry you're having a similar experience.

[Thesearmsofmine]

I’m sorry you’re not having a good experience. I have home ed since the beginning and have always found most people to be friendly and I always try to be friendly to anyone new. I do think sometimes home ed is just like anything else where cliques can form similar to playgroups and school mums.

[Karlwho]

I'd love to meet up and go on trips and whatn ot with the other families. I think I was very naive in thinking my family would be accepted. From my own experience (and maybe the area I live in) it felt like there was a snobbery and almost a caste system amongst the HE.
I'd second trying out after school type clubs; both of my kiddos are in Scouts and Guides, and the stuff they do is amazing. Made some very good friends.

[itsstillgood]

I am so sorry that you have had horrible experiences. I struggled in the early years and made a vow to always reach out. I have had to some extent the opposite experience reaching out only to be completely slapped back and dismissed and belittled because the advice (asked for) doesn't fit with what they wanted to hear.
I think people paint a very rosy picture of home ed socialising and it is just like any group of people, some lovely, some not, with same tendency for groups and cliques.
Hope you all find some people you gel with.

[Karlwho]

I totally believed it'd be like one big happy community lol (I realise that's my own silliness). I spoke to a few people on another forum a while ago, and they said that the only reason they didn't tend to bother, or were wary, of people new to HE, was because not many of them seemed to last. They'd invite them to the groups, meet up, make plans etc, then six months later the new family would stop HE and the child would be bac k in school. So I do understand that reluctance. @Langlang6543, I told my kids the exact same before we went to the picnic: 'you'll meet other kids, make some friends' etc, and they came away feeling massively disappointed, and myself feeling like I didn't do my kids ju stice.
It bothered me for a little while, I got a bit upset, mainly because I'd promised my kids new friends etc and couldn't deliver. My kids were in their clubs about two weeks after this lol, and they haven't mentioned HE groups ONCE. I don't think they feel like they're missing out. I thought about it, and the only person thatd benefit (maybe) from meeting up with other HE is me, and that's purely because it'd be nice to have some mates that are on a similar wavelength! after my experience though, I'd rather be a billy-no-mates

[tortuman]

Sorry to hear about your experience. I think we tend to think that home educators are more "open minded" because they are doing something that goes against the "norm". However, we are all people, so unfortunately there are nice people, average people and snobbish people like everywhere else.

We went to reception for one year, and then home educated for 3 and a bit. We did not make and lasting friends in either experience. However, we have friends that we met as babies in groups, in clubs, etc. I think there was not an expectation of "socialicing" it just happened that we clicked with some and maintained the contact.

I loved doing home education, but it got to a point where we could not balance work and running around from group to group trying to maintain the social groups. So, first one and then the other were offered a space in an alternative school, where it seems that we are finally settling down and accessing a social life.

So, just go with the flow and enjoy the time you have with your kids at home until they go back to school. Don't worry about the rude people, what goes around comes around.

[OhForkItThen]

I organise a lot locally, I’m not massively confident but I push for the sake of the gains to my children.

I’ve had a few hurtful experiences where I’ve been accused of being unwelcoming etc, a few really let rip. But it’s actually quite hard to continually meet and welcome. It’s partly I’m not a really socially confident type, it’s partly finding the time and partly my kids desperate to see existing friends and being wary of a cycle of new people that often ask a lot of questions then drop contact. We could honestly meet a new family each week I reckon, more in September. That’s hard for kids.

I’ve stepped back from organising loads because of it, and tend to stick with friends now as I felt like a target being lacking for providing enough. My advice is to simply post a specific thing to join you at, invite someone round etc and be proactive. I’m always up for it and others are. I think people imagine we are one huge community of active people and there’s a school class feel with a headteacher type in charge to go to be included. The reality is we may go a while not seeing each other,we stick to family groups a lot and move around a wider circle of people with less regular contact with the same people. It’s not you are excluded, it’s just really different to school. Also, there are a few things I do with just a few good friends and not a large group. A bit like when 2-3 school mums meet for coffee and they don’t invite the whole class, it’s simply a friends, and not a home Ed meet of people I’ve known for years.

One example I remember was a mum posting to do a certain activity at a certain time with her daughter to develop a 1:1 friendship. Whilst it was reasonable most of us had a large family with siblings, had an activity that day, a kid way older or younger or of the wrong gender. I had a good think of who I knew to tag, but no one seemed to fit. This woman then for evermore has slated the local home Ed group for being unwelcoming. There were activities on she was welcome at, but she felt they didn’t work for her child.

[Haworthia]

Do they know that you’re waiting for a school place to come up?

It’s probably that. A lot of Home Ed people are so aggressively against schools, the fact you actively WANT your child to go to school proves you’re not “one of them”. They won’t like that

[Basecamp65]

I suspect the HE groups know that you're waiting for a school place?

Many Home Ed families are reluctant to invest time and energy in engaging with someone who is going to disappear and discard those relationships as soon as a school place comes up.

I'm afraid we have felt very used by people in this position in the past - you want our and more importantly our children's - attention and friendships to tied you over...…..

Think how that feels from the other side. How tough that is on the parents and the children.

I can imaging myself talking to a new person and hearing the - 'we are waiting for a place at our preferred school' line and I know my eyes will glass over and I will switch off - I am HE two very different children - one with high special needs, I have a disability myself, I am caring for my very ill grandparent and working. I do not have time or energy or inclination to meet your needs as well when we will be dumped in a few weeks time.

I am in general a very polite and friendly person but I think OhForkitthen says it brilliantly - we are not a whole community of active people with some head teacher making sure it all goes smoothly and you are welcomed. We are just a bunch of people doing the best we can for our own families and we can only do what we can do.

[Gingerivy]

Sorry you haven't had a great experience so far. I know when we go to try out a group, I remind myself that some groups work well for us and others don't. There are so many factors - age of children, abilities, type of group, size of group. I think that often in larger groups, there might be a few new people each time that are just trying out the group - they see other newer people standing back and may not realise they are new too and misinterpret it as being unwelcoming. I try to chat with other parents as I can, but I have two children with autism that I need to monitor so that can often take up my attention.

I think it's just a matter of trying lots of stuff and seeing what works well and what doesn't and going from there.