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Oh bloody hell I've done it, withdrawn dd15.

(41 Posts)
user1486737884 Mon 06-Mar-17 11:55:04

De-reg letter hand delivered to the school this morning. Now begins the task of reducing her anxiety and getting her through gcses.
I would imagine I will need my hand held at more than one point.
In the mean time, I think I may purchase wine for tonight.

MarthaSF321 Mon 06-Mar-17 16:18:42

Good luck! I'm not quite brave enough yet to deregister but a bit of me wishes I was! Atm my DD is still registered but not attending and having work sent home. They want to start a phased return soon.
Was your DD still going to school before today? What do you plan on using to continue her education? There seems to be a lot of good advice and groups on Facebook but it's all so much to think about!
Such big decisions..
Congratulations on taking the big step!
Enjoy the wine!

user1486737884 Mon 06-Mar-17 16:56:59

She has been attending on and off, but a bullying issue led to her wanting to leave. She's had various other issues too.
Will be using a mix of me and her dad and probably something like Oxford home tutoring?.Most of the stuff she was doing at school she isn't able to follow through with as an external candidate.
We have a lot of work ahead.
Hope all goes well with your dd.

icyfront Mon 06-Mar-17 21:28:16

I often read threads in Home Ed even though I have no experience of home edding. But I’ve picked up some useful hints and tips that have helped me in my quest to learn even though I’m at the opposite end of the age-scale. (In that sense, I’m home edding me myself, IYSWIM).

One thing that was a bit of a lightbulb moment was realising that, yes, I could probably do with some structure just so I don’t leave huge gaps of time between reading/doing stuff and forget what I’d previously learned. I guess your DD would need some structure to achieve her goals in terms of exams, which have definite dates.

But the structure doesn’t have to look like what’s imposed by work or school. The clock becomes a guideline, not a rule. And there’s lots of “wasted” time in school – moving in between classrooms, the class settling down. (Reminds me of meetings at work!)

I’ve got various things on the go. Sometimes I need only 15 minutes to achieve what I want in one area, sometimes in another area it’s helpful to keep the focus going for a couple of hours or more. Once I’d got the clue from here that independent learning doesn’t automatically need a rigid timetable, I could flow quite happily from one area to another. Some MFL, some history, some science, watching an interesting documentary on TV I’d previously recorded even though it’s 11 o’clock in the morning.

I know that it’s often recommended that there should be a period of de-schooling, i.e. not doing anything that resembles school for a time, usually one week for every year of school; but I’d guess that might be a bit worrying as your DD is coming up to GCSEs and you’d both want to keep the momentum going. But her interests could be sustained through TEDtalks or iPlayer and whatnot in the interim.

The de-stressing time is important. Stress/anxiety/depression use huge amounts of energy and it took me quite a while to adjust from the stress of work to figuring out what to do with my time after I retired. There were a heck of a lot of “shoulds” and “oughts” that I had to unlearn.

I’m not sure that anything I’ve written will be of much help. Hopefully there will be wiser and more experienced people who will come along and hold your hand on your journey. I really hope that your DD’s experience of learning will be a heck of a lot better in the future now she’s out of that toxic environment.

Ledkr Fri 31-Mar-17 16:08:45

Resurrecting this thread as I too have just made the decision to withdraw my 15 year old dd. I've no idea what I'm doing but couldn't waste anymore time and she was becoming more and more anxious and depressed.
She should be able to attend a local college next sept as a pre 16 student but I've got to keep her going till then.
I'd love to talk to others about this as I feel out if my depth.

ommmward Fri 31-Mar-17 20:10:06

Welcome through the looking glass! And congratulations on extracting your daughter from a toxic situation. She will never forget that you did that for her.

See if you can find some local groups? Usually they are on facebook - search for your county, or your nearest big city and search for that with Home Education or Home Educators and you should find a group to join smile

Keehar256 Tue 04-Apr-17 17:02:26

Well I've done it! Just had meeting with camhs and school and all agreed school is no good for DD 14. De registering tomorrow!! Have been told no chance of ehcp inspite of SD unable to attend school due to high anxiety and panic attacks (she won't meet the criteria apparently). Can't put her through it anymore so we'll go it alone. Any hand holding appreciated!! How is everyone else doing?

Saracen Tue 04-Apr-17 17:16:09

Good luck Keehar!

ommmward Tue 04-Apr-17 18:38:53

Well done, well done! Give us a shout if you need help finding local home edders smile

Ledkr Tue 04-Apr-17 21:20:33

Having a bad day here. Dd just isn't interested in doing any work and won't even discuss things. I'm massively frustrated and close to breaking point.

Keehar256 Tue 04-Apr-17 21:44:24

Leader so sorry you're having a bad day. Me and DD struggle to talk about working but just recently dude has started to sound a bit more enthusiastic about it. But now we are going to take her out of school properly and not have return hanging over us I'm hoping to have more motivation from her! But I think it'll take time. I'm waiting for the light bulb moment when she turns from social media obsessive to keen willing student! Think I may have a long wait!

Keehar256 Tue 04-Apr-17 21:45:12

Dude?? Meant DD! Stupid predictive text!!

BlessThisMess Tue 04-Apr-17 21:52:35

Ledkr, I commented on your other thread this morning. I would suggest not discussing work/studying with DD for a good while if she's not receptive. Honestly, the timings of exams etc are nothing like as rigid as schools would have you believe. She could do nothing for a year, and still end up absolutely fine. Give her tons of time to de-stress (and you). Just do nice things - watch films/tv, go for walks, go shopping, do relaxing and fun activities with no pressure for a few months. I promise you there's no rush.

Ledkr Tue 04-Apr-17 22:19:34

God. Thank you so much. You are literally the first little glimmer of hope I have had.
It's hard because if we row I'm then terrified she will do something stupid. She's not done anything to suggest this but you hear it don't you?
I'm going to take a break. Give her one too.
We have been doing lovejy stuff, learning as we go but my conventional side is screaming MATHS AND ENGLISH NOW!
I'm going to spend Thursday and Friday (my days off) doing some proper research into local groups and resources.
We went to a pre 16 meeting today so hopefully she can start college in September.

BlessThisMess Wed 05-Apr-17 08:42:46

If I were you, I'd start the summer holidays now. I hear you about not wanting to row. She needs her stress levels to come down now. She needs to know that life isn't that scary, and that she will be ok. I took my DD out of school at 14 because I'd rather she was alive with no qualifications than stressing about being in school and ending up dead. I still feel like that, even though she is happy now. My DD is almost 16 and Y11, and this summer she will do one GCSE. She did 3 last year. In September she might do a college course, or she might do another year of HE. Post-16 courses are free for up to age 19, so we don't have to rush, and neither do you. flowers

Ledkr Wed 05-Apr-17 13:15:47

How is she socially bless?

ommmward Wed 05-Apr-17 18:25:19

The usual rule of thumb is 1 month of recovery for every year spent in school, assuming no major trauma. If she's 15, you need to be thinking of the best part of a year for her to relax, go for walks, pursue her passions (find out what they are first!), meet like-minded people through those passions, try out activities she's always thought of but never had time or courage to try (dancing? swimming? riding? take up an instrument? join a band? etc etc etc).

Might be worth finding ways of doing some work experience with people who themselves didn't follow the academic rat race - maybe on a farm or community farm, or in a charity, shelter, food bank, whatever floats her boat. So she can see how many different cheerful ways people can succeed in their lives without looking like school tells you your life should look.

Maths and English can wait. They'll still be there when she's ready to do them.

BlessThisMess Wed 05-Apr-17 18:41:31

My DD has no r/l friends that she sees socially but she is happy like that. She sees people every day at the stables and chats with them but isn't interested in going out socially except with me. She interacts with like-minded people online.

I do worry about her socially but think she is the sort of person who will be happy with just 1 or 2 friends and I am hoping she will find them when she goes to college this or next Sept.

ommmward Wed 05-Apr-17 19:24:09

And if she sees people at the stables, that's plenty of interaction <3

Keehar256 Wed 05-Apr-17 21:42:16

We had camhs meeting today. Same camhs person who yesterday said in our school meeting my DD was much too stressed to cope with school at all, needs to start work 9:30-12:30 starting from Monday. Structure, core subjects, knuckle down, routine, etc. If we don't you'd think the world would end! So much for deschooling!!

Ledkr Wed 05-Apr-17 21:48:26

Dd dances 4x a week and has friends there. She has recently aquired a very nice boyfriend and is seeing him on Saturday.
You have all helped me so much. I'm going to back off a bit and let us all heal. I've been a nervous wreck through all this and even my little one was affected.
We are going to concentrate on nice things. Tomorrow's lesson will be figuring out the bus timetable for a trip to town (she needs to get the bus to college in September)
Next week my lovejy friend (Getorf if anyone remembers her from here) has bought us tickets to see mama Mia in the west end which is relevant to her chosen career.
Feeling much more relaxed. I might even sleep tonight!
Thank you so much

Ledkr Wed 05-Apr-17 21:50:05

keehai the private therapist told us that last week but on seeing her today changed his mind considerably.

BlessThisMess Wed 05-Apr-17 22:11:04

Keehar - are you going to ignore them?

Saracen Thu 06-Apr-17 09:34:02

Keehar, you know your daughter and what she needs. I very much doubt the CAMHS person has any experience of home education. She'll certainly have far less experience of it than the collective wisdom here. Most (not all) HE families say that their children benefit from an initial break from enforced academics, especially if the children start off stressed.

You might decide at some point that a timetable is right for your daughter. Some families do prefer that. But that decision should be based on your observation of your own child's needs, not speculation by a near stranger who is likely clueless about home education.

Keehar256 Thu 06-Apr-17 16:21:34

Yes we're going to spend Easter not doing anything academic, but we are starting to talk about what to do after that. My DD is pretty keen and has made lists of subjects she wants to do as well as life skills she wants to learn, places to visit, experiences she wants to have and non academic things she wants to learn, like how tax works, booking a trip or holiday or cooking/gardening, things like that. She really likes making lists! I think we'll do something like a few hours in the morning doing 3 subjects for the next year ( her choice) aiming for a gcse or two next year. Then afternoon for other stuff. I think we'll need structure or we'll just doss about! Me included! However, planning is one thing, keeping motivated to get on with it maybe another!!

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