Talk

Flip

1 2

Guest posts

Guest post: 'We need to teach young people about sexual pleasure'

27 replies

MumsnetGuestPosts · 14/10/2014 12:57

Our first sexual experiences can be character-forming and life-changing. We know that most teenagers will have had sex by the time they are 19, and up to a third of them are having sex under the age of 16 - yet still, sex education in schools often focuses on the biology of sex and contraception, and not much else.

Thinking about our own experiences is a good place to start when considering the extent to which sex education needs to be reformed. Peer pressure, alcohol, boyfriends we look back on and shudder over - any number of factors might have meant that pleasure wasn’t paramount in those early encounters, but one sure-fire way of helping today’s young people have positive experiences is teaching them that sex is about mutual enjoyment.

Of course, learning about STIs and unwanted pregnancy are important – but this does little to help teenagers’ understanding of consent, respect and pleasure. Scaremongering approaches can create “sex-negative” environments, and hamper healthy sexual development. In schools, we are failing to celebrate the fact that sex is a vital and enjoyable aspect of our humanity.

As has been well-documented, young people are turning to pornography to plug the gaps in their sex education. The message they receive here is that vigorously pounding a woman’s mouth, vagina and anus is the norm, and that the male orgasm is the be-all and end-all of sex. Any expectation of intimacy, sensuality and a connected sexual experience with a partner is eradicated, and females are presented as objects contributing to male sexual pleasure.

Porn isn't the only issue. In a society that bombards young people with conflicting messages about sex, consent and pleasure, positive sexual relationships can be hard for young people to achieve. Sex and nakedness are presented as immoral, whilst simultaneously being plastered across billboards to sell everything from cars to holidays. Girls receive the message that they must be feminine and sexually attractive, although females who are perceived as sexually active and available are castigated as “sluts”. Boys, meanwhile, are under to pressure to perform competitive masculinity – liking anything ‘feminine’ or being sensitive leads to ridicule and abuse.

Such perspectives do disservice to young people of both genders, and do serious damage to the goal of teaching safe sex on their terms. We need to rethink the role that parents and teachers play in healthy sexual development. We should all be working towards a common goal: for young people to have safe sexual relationships - in line with their own values and attitudes and free from coercion or pressure - that are (and here’s the bit that tends to make the educators cringe) pleasurable. We’re prevented from achieving this because the moral panic around sexualisation means we’re reluctant to talk about pleasure to the under 18s - we’re scared of encouraging sex too early. But talking about sex does not encourage sex, any more than an umbrella causes rain.

Teaching pleasure is so essential because it’s inextricably linked to teaching consent - by emphasising mutual enjoyment, making it clear that sex is about what women want, too, we encourage respect, and train boys out of the idea that women are there to be used.

Learning to recognise pleasure means that boys and girls will be able to ‘read’ the other person’s body language, and stop immediately if there are any indicators that their partner is not enjoying the situation. Sex shouldn't be painful. Unfortunately, the myth about “cherry popping” still persists, and this gives young people, particularly young women, the idea that early sexual encounters should hurt. We need to be able to talk about lubrication, arousal and communication to young people without embarrassment.

We also need to remind teenagers that their first sexual experience can be with themselves. Understanding their own sexual responses via masturbation aids understanding about pleasure. Women in particular receive strong messages that masturbation is taboo, but if a young woman is confident in her own body and what brings her pleasure, she is more likely to feel confident about articulating these and less likely to engage in experiences that she doesn't enjoy. Having frank conversations with teenage girls about female orgasms and the existence and purpose of the clitoris may seem extreme, but it’s essential if we want our daughter’s to own their sexuality.

The most important thing is teaching young people that they are all valuable and unique - that they all have rights, but that with those rights come responsibilities. We need to teach them about healthy relationships that include respect, trust, communication, consent, negotiation, pleasure, as well as how to recognise some of the relationship red flags within unhealthy relationships.

Having these conversations is probably one of the most valuable things you can do to support young people’s healthy sexual development. Of course these conversations aren't always easy - social taboos mean there are barriers for both parents and educators - but they’re essential, because with them, young people will be better equipped to avoid situations that lead to risk and harm, and more able to enjoy safe, pleasurable sex lives.

OP posts:

Report

noblegiraffe · 14/10/2014 13:13

Young people need to be told sexual pleasure is an expectation but I am not sure in a classroom, with a maths teacher reluctantly roped in to teach PSHE is an appropriate environment.

Isn't this where More magazine and suchlike step in?