Very confused, the best for me, DH and DS is not the same...

[lopes]

Hi there, saw some threads about this topic with very useful info, but would love some specific advice...
Very confused... do not really know what to do about going back to work; the reality is:

• Love DS but I am getting a bit crazy with the SAH routine, and would love a break.
  
• DH is quite "traditional" and deep inside wants me to stay at home with DS a bit longer (he is 11m).
  
• found a nannyshare that hopefully will work, but it all feels quite "artificial".
  
• do not have any family or help close by.
  
• thinking about going back 3 days.
  
• My salary will all go to the nanny, so there is no financial incentive.
  
• am quite career minded and creative so personally feel 3 days at work would give me back some continuity in the job.
  
  These are the main points anyway... it all looks clear, but to me everything is possible and nothing really seams the right choice... Help!

[oranges]

i'd definitely go back. its good for you. why does the nanny share seem 'artificial'?

[lopes]

Because they do not come recommended and we never met before... DS is going to join the family life of strangers... I guess I would just prefer to have his grandmother closer for the first years...

[beansprout]

I think the hardest part of going back to work is leaving them with "strangers" but they will get to know them v quickly and it won't feel like that for long. As you say, if grandparents were near by he would spend time with them. I think of our CM as ds's "other grown up". He loves and trusts her and I know he is safe and happy which is all I can ask for.

There is no advantage to them being at home with a mum who actually needs to go to work and use her brain a bit. Your reasons for working are the same as mine and I am glad I do it. I think 3 days a week is a great balance. Good luck.

[lopes]

Thanks!! It is good to know your views (and stop the continuous chatter in my head, which never leads anywhere)

[ebenezer]

Go for it - you won't regret it. The only reason it seems a bit artificial, is, as others have said, because this is a new situation for you. it won't stay new for long though, you'll get used to it, it will become part of your daily routine. Look at it this way: everything is new at some point - first day at school/university/first job - does this mean we're wrong to do these things? Of course not!! Don't see it as a disadvantage that you don't have relatives close by who could do the child care. there's no law that says grandparents are automatically 'better ' at being the carer than a dedicated CM/nursery/nanny. In fact I think there are some advantages to just letting your own family be just that - family. My own children loved visiting their grandparents because to them it was a special treat, like a holiday, rather than people they saw every day.

[bobsmum]

Sorry Karen- I"ve reported your many posts to MN. YOu'll be welcome to advertise once you pay the fee

[WideWebWitch]

Go back. It's not all about the money, it's about investment in your future career and life. And one day there will be no childcare costs and it will be worth it HOWEVER, childcare costs shouldn't, imo, come out of YOUR income alone, they are a joint expense, as is everything to do with having a baby. And, imo, being at home 2 days should NOT mean your dh has a cleaner, housekeeper, cook, nanny, bottlewasher etc, he needs to pull his weight too.

Go back, you can always change it again but if you don't you'll never know. And I've done both, been a sahm (4 yrs) and a ft wothm and I prefer working, absolutely. Atm I have compressed hours so I do 35 hrs in 4 days and am paid a ft salary, it works for us.

[Lizzzombie]

Lopes - there was a really interesting article in the Times recently, about SAHM v.s going back to work.
They bascially said that whilst at the beginning, all your wages would go on childcare, in a few years time, when LO is at school more, and you can take on extra hours, it pays off. You will have more experience in the workplace to re/build your career and take on more responsibility as your time caring for LO decreases. Its a hard decision, but the article sort of made sense. (I cant find a link to it now - sorry.)

[Furzella]

I agree with most of the other posters. Working part-time is great for me (and I'm thinking about going up to four days soon). I think any childcare arrangement (apart from grandparents) seems pretty unreal before it starts. We have a nanny and it makes it all do-able. It was harder when we had a childminder as I do very long hours for the three days I work and the beginnings and ends of the day were really difficult for the children as they were over tired (and I was too!). I agree with Wickedwaterwitch that really the childcare costs should be split between both you and your DH - although in reality I've never managed to swing this!

The article in the Times that Lizzombie refers to I think was one based on the book The Feminine Mistake which you can find on Amazon:
www.amazon.co.uk/Feminine-Mistake-Are-Giving-Much/dp/1401303064/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/203-3405680-8?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 020753?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1184592642&sr=8-1

I'm really proud now that my daughters think that me going to work is a cool and completely normal thing to do. I couldn't really cope with being in the domestic setting full time, although I respect anyone who can do that and stay sane. I don't think it's had anything other than a positive impact on our family. It took my DH a while to get used to me going back and we squabbled more for the first six months or so, but since the dust settled it's been fine. No one likes change much, especially when it affects the quality of their evening meal...

Go for it.

[stealthsquiggle]

I agree if you want to go back then it is the right thing for all concerned - neither DS nor DH will actually benefit from you being at home if you are not there by choice.

On the nannyshare I know how you feel - I chose not to go there, but am still trying to persuade a friend to move close enough so that we can share with someone who I know shares my values. If at all possible can you and DS spend some time with the other family - if your values and lifestyles are poles apart it may make it very hard and you might want to consider other childcare options. On the other hand if you do get on then it will make you feel better about it.

[edam]

Not sure if you genuinely want to go back or are subconsciously looking for reasons not to go return to work.

Do what feels right for you - not just today but in three/five/ten years time. Will you look back and think, Oh God, I wish I'd not taken so long out? Or, I wish I'd spent more time at home?

Going back may cost in childcare but can be a wise investment in terms of career progression and pension. And the equality of your relationship - 'traditional' men can easily slip into being chauvinists.

It is far better for a child to have a WOHM who is happy and satisfied with her lot than a depressed, reluctant SAHM who is only doing it because her partner is old fashioned.

Your dh is not living in the 1950s, he'll just have to get used to the 21st century. Bet once you go back he finds it a lot easier than he does right now when it's all theoretical.

[edam]

Btw, I went back full time when ds was 7mos and have since done a mixture of part-time, working away from home, working from home etc. etc. - I honestly believe whatever works for you at any particular moment is OK.