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Working mum and SAHD woes

(19 Posts)
8DaysAWeek Sun 05-Feb-17 14:03:02

Anyone working full time while OH stays at home with baby?

DS will be 8 months old when I return in April. I earn twice as much as OH and after paying for childcare and the dog walker his salary essentially cancels out so he is going to stay at home.

I am struggling so much with this as I would give anything to be a SAHM. I hate my job for a start. Just spent 6 months of hell sorting out DS's reflux issues and now he's becoming this lovely little happy baby and I'm going to miss it all while DH gets to enjoy it.

I've worked so hard at school and at uni and through my career and for what? He has cruised through life reaching 30 without really working that hard (it's true - he has the potential for so much more but wasted it) and now he's the one that gets to stay at home? I just don't think it's fair.

My other suggestion is that I work part time and he works full time. We'd bring home the same money, I'd get to spend more time with DS but of course he'd get less time.

Someone has to lose and so far it's me just because I make more, but that's because I work bloody harder!

Anyone else a resentful working mum? Anyone thought they would be but it actually isn't as bad as they thought??

SolemnlyFarts Sun 05-Feb-17 14:08:27

Whatever you do, don't go into something being resentful already. To be fair to your partner, he was what he was when you decided to have children with him - it's hardly fair to berate him for not doing well enough when you knew that was the deal when you became pregnant. What does your partner want to do, you don't mention that?

firsttimekat Sun 05-Feb-17 14:18:25

We were in a similar position, we opted to both go back part time. It means we earn less than if I was full time, but I didn't want to resent DH for getting to spend all his time with DS. We have to be careful, and no holidays but we manage. When DS starts his funded hours/school we will think things through again but for now we both get individual time with him, we don't have a childcare bill and there is always someone to look after him if he is ill, which has been a big plus for us as DS has had several hospital admissions.

To make part time work for my career I'm currently jobsharing which has been tricky at times, but great overall and means I still get allocated interesting and high profile projects.

8DaysAWeek Sun 05-Feb-17 14:38:07

You're right solemnly!! I know I'm being unreasonable! I didn't marry him for his money, and I always wanted to not have to depend on a man hence why I worked so hard to get where I am now. But the moment my son was born everything changed and I am trying hard to change how I feel but I just can't sad I honestly didn't foresee me feeling this way

DH wants to do whatever makes the most financial sense, which annoys me because he doesn't take into consideration my happiness. If salaries were reversed he'd work and I'd stay at home and he'd be fine with that. And maybe that's why he's struggling to see why I'd rather we had to struggle a little with money rather than live relatively comfortably just for an extra day or two with my son

8DaysAWeek Sun 05-Feb-17 14:40:26

That sounds like a good setup Kat. I don't think DH has the option to go part time at his current job but then I don't think he's asked. Will speak to him about that later and see if it's doable!

Popskipiekin Sun 05-Feb-17 14:50:36

We were in identical position. I earned twice as much as DH. This was partly because, for one reason or another, DH hadn't really found his niche. But I had also trained hard and worked extremely long hours. We could have had him as SAHD but I would have been just as resentful as you - and he would be consigned to never ever finding a job which worked for him. (And I would be forced to work full time in stressful job forever).
So - we decided to both remain full time for the short term, and I have supported him (by doing much of the out of work childcare/domestic front) for two years whilst he retrained. We have just had our second child and DH has also just got a new job paying 30% more. So I plan to go back to work 3-4 days a week after mat leave. I had some guilt with DC1 at full time nursery aged 1 but he's had a brilliant time there. And now DH is much more set up for a good earning life than he would have been had he stayed home. And soon I will have the time at home which I hoped for. Worth a thought?

Aderyn2016 Sun 05-Feb-17 14:51:56

I am a sahp - it made sense for us because dh had the potential to earn lots of money and I didn't. Although I don't regret the time at home I do have a pang of regret for sacrificing my earning potential. All actions have plusses and minuses. Seeing as you have little real choice, I think the best way to view it is that you are protecting yourself and your ds from unforseen future circumstances. I have seen my friends (who sacrificed their careers) screwed over by faithless husbands (not saying yours would be like that but you can never say never. My friends would never have thought their h's could turn into ruthless bastards either). You are giving yourself and ds financial security and that is an amazing thing - as important as the sah stuff.
And to be totally honest, a lot of the work involved in sah is boring and repetitive. As much as I love the good stuff, there are times when I'd happily trade doing the laundry (again) and cooking dinner for my old job.
I think you have to make the choice to view it positively.

8DaysAWeek Sun 05-Feb-17 15:01:16

Pops thanks for understanding. That's a very good point... if he isn't earning much now he may struggle more to earn a decent amount after a period off work. Will definitely consider what you guys did, something I hadn't thought of. Thanks!

Aderyn you're right. If between now and April I don't find another solution I will have to think positively. And no, you never know what might happen so it's important to remember I'm safeguarding our future.

Didiusfalco Sun 05-Feb-17 15:10:38

I thinks you have to remove the idea that it's just a financial decision, there are other factors such as your feelings that are very important. Your dh doesn't get to say that finances are the only consideration. The pp who said that him completely leaving the work force could really set back his earnings is spot on - surely that is an argument that would make him consider your very sensible suggestion about both being part time? It might mean less money in the short term but it's a better long term plan.

StealthPolarBear Sun 05-Feb-17 15:14:46

Tbh many women take time out and have exactly that problem, that's rarely something anyone worries about on their behalf.

esiotrot2015 Sun 05-Feb-17 15:16:33

It's such an important thing to be financially independent though , i think you're in a more secure position than your dh

Nzou1050 Sun 05-Feb-17 15:36:02

I could have earned more than twice my husband if I'd gone back full time after having my DS. I decided to go back part time 3 days a week & he carried on working full time. I still earnt slightly more than him but all our finances are pooled anyway. So we were slightly better off that way than him staying at home & me working full time. I never even considered returning full time & him staying at home for exactly the reasons you are worried about I didn't like my job & ideally would have been the stay at home parent & knew I'd massively resent the situation. I think it'd be different if it's a job you love but imo not worth it just for the sake of money.

Also from what I've heard (but no personal experience) the SAHP is more likely to be primary career for children in the event of a split? I might be wrong on that but didn't want to risk being left with a job I hated & not having my DC living with me if it all went wrong.

AHobbyaweek Sun 05-Feb-17 16:00:05

My DH is the SAHP. Both due to financial reasons and that I wanted to go back to work and he resented going back to work for nothing.
My main issue is that he does very little in the house so it is a absolute Ness when I get back so I end up working and then cooking and cleaning when I get home and at the weekends.
We are working on it but it does make me resentful as I am very busy all day with work.

AllTheLight Sun 05-Feb-17 16:14:31

Stealth I'm not sure that's true - if a woman starts a thread on here saying 'my wages will barely cover childcare costs - should I be a SAHM?' she usually gets lots of replies pointing out the impact on her future earnings.

8DaysAWeek Sun 05-Feb-17 17:19:16

There are pros and cons to all scenarios of course, it's working out the best.

If I just keep my hand in at work (even if it means working one day a week) then tbh my earning potential will still rise with years of experience. I know that I'll never be able to be a SAHM, at least in the near future, so I'll always be working in some capacity in order for us to pay bills etc. which is totally fair.

I actually suffered depression prior to falling pregnant, and being pregnant and having DS has maintained my positive mood (even at some very difficult periods with DS). I worry about working full time and all this resentment making me miserable.

DH says he'll do all the housework and have dinner ready but I know how hard that is and I reckon I'll come home to a mess. DS needs fed to sleep too so for a period I'll have to deal with that. I'm sure it'll all fall into place after the first few months so maybe I need to stop being so negative...

Andcake Sun 05-Feb-17 17:36:17

Can you go 4 days and cope on 80% of your salery. Just having that extra 1 day with dc really helps me. Also do you plan to have another soon as that also has an impact on who sah in my experience

hutchblue Sun 05-Feb-17 20:00:37

Can you do part-time 3 days a week?

Also, your DH may want at the moment to be a SAHP - but long-term how will it affect his confidence? And HIS career prospects??!!

I've seen some threads on here from women who are dealing with depressed SAHDs feeling very low because they are cut off from real life and quite literally left holding the baby. It's some years down the line when they've been looking after a couple of kids for a long-time and feel left out of society, not defined in any role as such. Can't work out what they want to do with their lives, lost all confidence, it's awful to read.

I'm not trying to paint a bleak picture - just being a bit realistic.

Both of you working part-time sounds best of all.

Life is so short, you never know what's round the corner. Money is important of course it is, but those early years are quick and your baby will be at school before long and then away from you for 6 hours a day anyway - you could go back to full-time - if you really want to! :D

NoArmaniNoPunani Sun 05-Feb-17 20:04:45

I'm the main earner. It is hard sometimes but I don't think I'm cut out to be a SAHM. We compromised by both working part time. It makes us less well off than if I worked full time and he was a SAHD but there are other benefits.

8DaysAWeek Sun 05-Feb-17 21:31:36

Funnily enough hutch he has mentioned how he'll find it difficult going to any parent baby classes like I do and tbh he doesn't hang out with friends much and most of his socialising is done during work. I think he'll find it quite isolating :/

Part time for both of us seems to be the best option. I'd even be happy working 30h/week over 3 days (currently doing 44 over 4.5). I don't like the idea of spending more days working away from him than being with him.

Thanks everyone. It's really helped talk about and consider all the options grin just need to quickly decide/work it out!!!

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