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Third child being ignored...is this a thing?

19 replies

bletheringboys · 06/05/2016 19:20

I'm planning my youngest son's 1st birthday next month and trying to work out what to do. He's my third and most probably last baby, so it's a biggie for me. I'm planning on having a big bash. Then I thought about who to invite and realised that none of dh's family (he has 5 siblings) have even bothered to make the effort to get to know him. It made me quite sad, considering they made the effort with my other two boys (though not lately).

I know life etc gets in the way, but it just made me feel quite angry. It feels a bit like because we have a third child (as opposed to the exciting first two) suddenly they don't want to know. He's a lovely kid and deserves a relationship with his family too, but it's like they just don't want to know.

It just struck me though - is this a third child thing? Does anyone else have family who treat third, fourth, fifth children differently?

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BackforGood · 07/05/2016 00:19

It's just life getting in the way.
You know that everyone is so excited for the first child - it's so lifechanging. Then not only is it more 'everyday' for the parents of the child, but also other people's lives move on.
I am a 3rd dc. I have 3 dc. they are all loved, but those who are a 3rd child have different experiences of life than those who are a first child. It's fact. There are things that are much better in some ways and things that aren't so great - it's just different.

SueGeneris · 07/05/2016 00:28

Hmm. I don't know but it feels the same in our family. When DS1 was born I remember DH's parents were so excited and wanted to see him every week. He was their first grandchild. As we've had two more, and they now have two other gc by DH's sister, they have had less and less contact with us. I think they've seen our DC3 less than 10 times since he was born 18 months ago.

My DM however does make equal effort and show equal interest in all 5 of her gc so it's not always like that.

Happy birthday to your little boy.

lunalunalooney · 07/05/2016 00:31

Its life.

My brother was the first grandchild so people made a huge fuss because he did everything first. Im youngest (brother and then 2 cousins) and while people celebrated my birthdays etc it was my brother and oldest cousin who got/get the most fuss.

bletheringboys · 07/05/2016 18:28

Thanks for your replies.

I don't even want a fuss to be made of him really - just some basic acknowledgement.

He was ignored at xmas time (no gifts, even though he was 6 months old!) and recently he was very ill, in hospital and nobody has even been in touch to ask how he is!

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OddBoots · 07/05/2016 18:34

Have things changed significantly in their lives since your older children were born?

BombadierFritz · 07/05/2016 18:41

The hospital bit is a bit crap but tbh i'd say its pretty common to not bother with xmas presents for third child small baby. Did he even need anything? We had way too much baby stuff i think we even said 'no presents!'

bletheringboys · 07/05/2016 18:46

Erm, not really.

My oldest two are 5 and 7 and until last year they were very involved with them - came to see them loads, spent time with them, babysat, big fuss at birthdays etc. Then I got pg with baby 3 and it went a bit weird...

I suppose I'm just feeling a bit angry. Baby doesn't know any of them at all. FIL has spent less than a couple of hours with him since he was born and has now axed pretty much any relationship he had with the other two - he never talks to them or asks them what they've been up to.

DH has noticed it too and is angry at them all, but they have a funny relationship anyway, so won't say anything to them, but he is annoyed. It is a very drastic difference, I just wondered if anyone else found it the same!

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bletheringboys · 07/05/2016 19:10

We actually did really need stuff for him - I'd gotten rid of all my baby bits. We really needed a cot and a highchair and toys (he had no toys!) and clothes etc.

That's not what I'm bothered about really though - I've never been about gifts etc. And I got all that stuff myself in the end, which I would have anyway.

My new general consensus is: sod them, he's awesome and it's up to them if they miss out.

I just find it a very strange way to behave!

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BombadierFritz · 07/05/2016 19:21

It sounds like they have 'dropped' you all? Thats odd. If they are weird anyway maybe it is some kind of disapproval of larger families or something? Or unrelated but they feel slighted in some way? You might never guess what their reason is if they are prone to this kind of thing. I know a few people whose parents disapproved of 3 children as a concept (too many too ecpensivr afraid of being asked for cash or babysitting) who behaved in a similar way but they were always odd

bletheringboys · 07/05/2016 19:57

It feels like we have been 'dropped'. It happened around the time that ds3 was born. We had nobody to look after our boys while we went to hospital for the planned csection and were met with a wall of silence when we pleaded for help.

It was a very tough time! Coupled on to this the fact that DH had a bit of a mental breakdown (work-related) and was off work for 4 months very ill plus us moving house (10 more minutes away - not far!) and our boys changing schools, it was a very trying time.

Usually they would have spent time with the older two, helped them transition, taken them out etc, but nothing!

Then not to bother visiting when invited, pretty much ignoring him in favour of BIL's two small children ( I mean, come on! Who doesn't talk to a baby who is waving at you?!) and now not even asking after him when he was so very ill...I feel a bit peeved.

I guess I feel like giving them all the finger! Ha ha!

I give up. Hes beautiful and they don't deserve him. Fuck them!

(I might be being facetious. I won't actually be so awful in RL. It's good to let it go here!)

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IcyTeaAndScoopyScoopyDogDog · 07/05/2016 19:59

I have the opposite going on. No one wanted to know my DS- 9years later and they fawn over my DD. Its strange. I couldn't post more on it because it makes me desperately sad for my son. But I know how you feel.

OddBoots · 07/05/2016 20:10

It sounds like there could be a few reasons for it, some people are funny about having more than two children, some can't cope with people having mental health problems and/or get snippy when parents aren't out at work. Unless you ask them (and even if you do) you will probably never know why they have been as shitty as it sounds like they are being.

PirateFairy45 · 07/05/2016 20:15

No offence but if you've only just noticed they can't be of great importance to you or your little family?

Concentrate on those who do bother to get to know him :)

bletheringboys · 07/05/2016 20:17

I haven't just noticed - I suppose it's not a sudden realisation as such, but more of a final assessment of an ongoing situation...

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poodlefromcatan · 07/05/2016 20:25

Yes the whole family on both sides began to distance themselves. I think they think you may need favours, help, time etc I think the idea of a family of 5 is exhausting and people keep away, not always depends how strong the extended family is I suppose.

poodlefromcatan · 07/05/2016 20:26

And also you may need money.

bletheringboys · 07/05/2016 21:13

I suppose. Ah well! Onwards and upwards!

I am so very lucky to have my little family unit.

I guess it's just disappointing.

Thank you all for allowing me the space to hash it out! :)

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foursillybeans · 07/05/2016 21:25

Yep I had a pretty similar experience with my 3rd DC. I felt except for a couple of close friends and my own parents he was ignored. My inlaws just kept asking to take the other two DC out all the time which annoyed me. Why did they not want to come round and hold him, play with him. He's in junior school now and it's no different really. They focus on the older two still even though the age gap is the same for them all. It hurt at the time but I just chose to get over it and just lavish more attention on him myself and spent more time with my parents. It does suck but you can't chance people. Hope you have a great time celebrating your LO's 1st birthday.

LadyAntonella · 08/05/2016 20:50

I think it's just life getting in the way. It is disappointing though, when you think your DC is being forgotten about a bit by extended family, so I really sympathise.

Funnily enough, in our family, my DH's parents see a lot more of SIL's three DCs than they do of our one. We live slightly further away, (SIL lives about a 45 min drive from PILs and we are just over an hour from them), so that is part of it. Though, it is also out of necessity; SIL and her DH both work, her DH does funny hours and so does SIL on occasion, whereas I am a SAHM to one DC and my DH does a Monday - Friday sort of job, so we don't have to rely on GPs as much for childcare etc. If I'm honest, I'm disappointed in this situation too, but it's just life I guess!

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