behaviour or character trait

[emdanmum]

Hi. My daughter EJ is 7 1/2. We've known from very early on that she's very clever, well ahead of her peers. We have bought her up as best we know how. Her behaviour has been getting increasingly worse. Not to say that she's awful all of the time, but when she is "naughty" she's a force to be reckoned with!!! I've begun to doubt our method of dealing with this behaviour, as it seems to fuel her emotions. When she (or our son DJ) are being "naughty" they are told to stop. If they persist they go to a quiet place to think about what they've done and how they should behave. For DJ (4) this works. But EJ either "stews" and the punishment has little/no effect, or she cleverly worms her way into an argument-either way we need to change our discipline method, before we all go mad. Any suggestions? Also EJ can come across as bossy when playing with children of her own age. When she was younger it was easy to dismiss this behaviour to other parents as learning to share/ play together. But as EJ is getting older she does appear to others to be bossy. She's a lovely girl-caring, friendly and considerate. But when she plays the games have to be very structured. Everybody has to have a role. There have to be rules. She finds it very difficult when her friends don't comply. Luckily her brother is showing signs of being G and T, so can follow these rules for a little while. But often playing with her peers ends in tears :-( Should I be telling EJ to control her need to be in charge or encouraging her good leadership skills?
Crikey-I've gone on a bit!! Any input appreciated.

[luciemule]

To get a more varied view, I would also post this in behaviour.
You don't say what the school have got her G & T for? Obviously, it can change from term to term, year to year.
I don't think there's anything wrong with the way you discipline them from what you say but perhaps trying to stop her having a treat you've promised (eg, if you don't behave, I will cancel your riding lesson) and make sure you carry it through. She will then look more at the way she behaves and realises that negative behaviour results in something being taken away. It could work just as well if you take away a toy she likes to play with, although this doesn't work with mine as they just say "I don't care, I'll play with something else".

Some children do play better if games are structured and she's certainly at an age where school should have sorted out playing together nicely and sharing etc but perhaps try to make the things you do together as a family, less structured - a walk by the river, adventure play area etc- so she can free play.
Hope this helps a bit.

[emdanmum]

Thanks for your input. She is g and t in Maths and reading, though is strong in every other aspect of the curriculum too.

I speak to mums at the school gate about behaviour and they all have similar stories to tell, though there seems to be an intensity about EJ's behaviour that stands out. I'm glad you think we're using the right method of dealing with her behaviour. Sometimes it feels like we've reached breaking point with our methods, so support is enough to keep us going.
As her bad behaviour peaks (which it regularly does at the moment) I put it down to being a bad patch.......though it seems more persistant than a phase. We have tried taking toys (to no avail) and are in the proccess of stopping her dance class for a week-we'll see if that works. It just seems that everything we try she has an answer for (eg her dance lessons are paid for in advance, so she bites back with "so you're happy to waste your money and stop me going this week?"

I agree with what you're saying about our family time. We try to vary our activities and spend relaxed family time together. An increasing problem that we have during these times is that she becomes fixated with time and things happening at a set time. For example, last weekend we all had an hours lay-in, so a later breakfast. EJ was fine with this at the time. However when she asked what time it was and it was 1pm she was very cross. She couldn't believe that we'd missed her deadline of "lunchtime" (12) to eat (though she didn't say she was particularly hungry-lunch just happens at 12) We tried to explain that the day was slighty delayed because of our lay-in, but this didn't satisfy her. She was then very concious that the day was all wrong and was negative for the rest of the day. I'm worried that this need to be in control / follow rules could lead to / be the beginnings of obsessive behaviour.

We do our best to make sure she's given a well rounded up-bringing (as most parents do) but her behaviour is really affecting our relationship with our lovely daughter.

[luciemule]

Although all girls get a bit 'teen-like' at that age (my DD is more like 18 than 8!), I would perhaps ask to be referred to someone by your GP after explaining her behaviour.
It does seem as though she's kind of obsessing but then again ,all kids go through stages of being a bit OCD. My DS won't eat food unless it hasn't been touched by anyone and if someone touches his plate or cutlery, he refuses then too. DD, when she was little, if interupted, would start a whole task right from the beginning again in the same order. Children are often like this but if you have concerns, then maybe just get a referral. Especically if it's affecting your relationship with her.
Have you read the book 'Raising Girls'? I've not but it's supposed to be good.

[emdanmum]

That's reassuring that you've have experience of obsessive behaviour-makes me feel more positive about the situation to think that we're not alone. I think we'll see how it goes for a bit longer. Perhaps I'll keep a very close watch over the half term break (when the routine will doubtlessly be flung out of the window!!) and keep a note of her response to this.
I've read "raising boys" funnily enough-which offered a good insight to me as I've not had much experience of looking after boys. Do you know the author of "raising girls"? I've got loads of study books that my mum used for her discertation (?), but I need a plain reading, easy to digest book. One that's written for parents!
Thank you.

[luciemule]

I thought it was Steve Bidolph who wrote Raising Boys but could be wrong. It'll be on amazon or just google.