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Does anyone else out there have a partner who has or has had cancer? I'm desperate to talk to others trying to support their partners.

(14 Posts)
Wills Mon 21-Mar-05 20:02:07

I'm really desperate to talk to people who might understand how I feel. I feel lonely as my friends don't really understand so I'm hoping that if I find others that I might discover my feelings are normal.

AuntyQuated Mon 21-Mar-05 20:05:37

i know of a MNer whose DH had leukaemia but don't hink she is ready to support others...will email her and see how she feels

Wills Mon 21-Mar-05 20:29:13

No worries she sounds like she already has enough on her hands without feeling compelled to support me as well.

happymerryberries Mon 21-Mar-05 20:30:18

My dh has leukemia and has also had testicular cancer, now 10 years ago.

What is your dh's diagnosis?

Wills Mon 21-Mar-05 20:39:26

DH was diagnosed with bladder cancer about 8 years ago. They got rid of it and we've been having check ups ever since. Last October they found it again, however this time the prognosis is worse. This time they feel that its genetic and will come back time and time again until eventually they will have to remove his bladder. On top of that they cannot guarantee it wont come else where where it would not be so easy to deal with.

To be honest the dramatics are through, its the everyday living with this that I'm struggling with. He had bcg treatment and that's been deamed a success. He had a check up just under 2 weeks ago and that was an all clear. but we can't seem to move on! and that's what I'm finding so hard. We've been told that he's to go on a maintenance bcg treatment with 2 doses every 3 months and checkup ops every 3 months to check they're still working. Most of my friends are expecting us to celebrate (so was I) at hearing the first all clear but funnily enough it didn't give either of us a high at all.

Did you and your dh find this?

Also did you dh get angry and resentful and aim it at you?

happymerryberries Mon 21-Mar-05 20:48:10

At the moment dh is on a 'watch and wait' regimen, as the leukemia he has tends to very slow to progress. So far we have has only good news though I do worry that things will take a down turn.

Dh is stoical beyond belief (and was with his last unrelated cancer). Partly this is due to his personality and partly training as he has been a fighter pilot in the past and still frys for a living. His attitude is that if he can't do anything, why worry?

One point that he constantly makes is that statistics are meaningless when you are down to one person. You are either OK or not. And that is as true for me as it is for dh.

Which is not to say that I don't have major 'wobbles'. e are a year down the line from his diagnosis and all that I can tell you is wierd as it sounds you start to take it as normal.

But it is hard and so unfair and you do have all my sympathy. All I can do is send you a hug.

happymerryberries Mon 21-Mar-05 20:48:48

Fly for a living not fries!

Wills Mon 21-Mar-05 20:58:35

Thank you for the hug. What I'm struggling with is his anger. He's permanently sniping at me and its really hard. I asked the other day if he resented us (me and our two young daughters) for meaning that he had to deal with it. He said yes. Not sure what i can do to help but would like him to stop being so angry.

happymerryberries Mon 21-Mar-05 21:03:09

I think that it is normal to be angry. I know that I have been angry over dh's diagnosis in the past....still do come to think of it.

Following another life threatening ilness some 7 years ago (boy he does put me through it!) I ended up seeing the community psyciatric nurse about the worrying I was doing over dh's health. That helped a lot.

Do you think that it would help your dh to talk to someone? I realise that blokes are not good at all this sort of thing. The macmillan nurses can be excellent at all this sort of thing. Dh goes to a Macmillan centre for his check ups. Do you think this would help your dh?

happymerryberries Mon 21-Mar-05 21:04:44

I'm off to bed, but if you post I will pick it up tomorrow morning and reply them.

If good thoughts help at all, I'm sending them to you.

ks Mon 21-Mar-05 21:10:58

Message withdrawn

marthamoo Mon 21-Mar-05 21:18:19

Wills, is this any use to you?

Also here ?

Sorry if you have already looked at these but I don't have any personal experience to offer, just wanted to contribute something to your thread: it's horrible that you are all going through this.

Wills Mon 21-Mar-05 21:30:32

Thank you, will look at the site more tomorrow. Need to talk to others as I feel sorry for myself etc. But have also noticed that our marriage feels stunningly strained at the mo. I have a friend at work who is remarkably like dh and I found myself wondering what it would be like to have his arms around me. Suspect that I'm comparing him to dh and finding him similar hence the thoughts. But love dh passionately and need to focus on helping him. My mil has offered to take the kids for a weekend and have booked us both into Elvedean forest for some relaxing and fun etc. Hopefully that will help things but I suspect counselling would be better but he doesn't believe in such things.

marthamoo Mon 21-Mar-05 21:33:00

It must be hellish hard, Wills - I think the thoughts about your work colleague are entirely understandable. Hope your weekend away helps.

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