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General health

Can anyone advise me how to help my Stressed DH?

19 replies

MrsWeasley · 26/07/2007 12:58

Hi
I was wondering if anyone could tell me what I should be doing to help my dh.

my Dh is 45 and has always worked for the same company he is in management, not very high up having chosen to stay in the area he has always loved!

His place is customer centred and he is responsible for everything from ensuring customer satisfaction to ensuring the cleaner turns up. 4 weeks ago he came home early saying he was tired and couldnt take it anymore, he went to bed, he made an appointment at with the GP who said stay at home you are stressed! He stayed home for 3 weeks then went back to work.

They have moved him to another office without some of the stress of lack of staff etc but its a longer journey, he has been back 3 days and rung me to say that just reading through his post is making him feel physically sick!

I did tell him I thought he was going back to soon but he insisited he was ok. I have advised him to speak to the GP again.

In the passed he has always thrived on the work related stress but now he is snapping at us all and sleeping like never before!
He refused to even attend the kids assemblies at school simply saying he didnt want to go and so went food shopping instead!

Can anyone tell me what I should be saying or doing to help him?

OP posts:

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foxinsocks · 26/07/2007 13:04

sounds like you are doing the right thing (persuading him to go to the GP again)

perhaps ask him if he wants you to come with him to the GP - he probably doesn't but it might be worth checking (and then you could ask about things like counselling for stress)

does he work not offer anything like that (stress counselling)? a lot of places do

christywhisty · 26/07/2007 13:08

It is really difficult I know . DH has suffered from work related stress on and off through our marriage. Didn't help that for 12 years he worked for a bit of a nutter. He has been on antidepressants for a long time but they do work. However he has changed jobs and is much happier and is gradually coming off them.He also has had Cognitive Behavial Therapy.

Your DH sounds as though he is depressed if he is sleeping all the time. He needs to go back to his GP and talk. If he wont go drag him down there and talk for him.
I had to do this when DH ws going through a vey bad patch and had taken himself to bed.If he had gone down the doctors himself I know he would have said he was ok. But i went and spoke for him and insisted we got more help and was referred to the psychiatrict dept (unfortunately huge waiting lists on NHS)

It is very difficult to know what to do, whether to rant and nag at them to get out of bed and get going or ignore him until he is ready to come out of it himself.

He might just need something like St Johns Wort or a mild ad just to get him going a gain.

christywhisty · 26/07/2007 13:09

Also meant to say about counselling might help

foxinsocks · 26/07/2007 13:09

and while supporting him in all this, don't forget to look after yourself too. It's hard being the one that has to cope with everything.

MrsWeasley · 26/07/2007 13:10

Thanks foxinsocks. His work can offer advice but it is very slow at getting things done except on his first day back he had a letter warning him that his 3 weeks sick leave was excessive and that any further absences would be refered to to higher level. Its a standard letter but all the same its like a smack in the mouth on your first day back!

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CountessDracula · 26/07/2007 13:12

Sound like he is suffering from burn-out, maybe he just had too much heaped on him and suddenly one day he couldn't take it any more.

Have you talked to him about what the trigger was for this? Why he feels sick reading his post? Does he have a history of depression?

I'm very sad for you all, my dh suffers from work related stress and is trying to get out of what he is doing atm, it is very hard for him and us xx

MrsWeasley · 26/07/2007 13:12

Thank you both.

He is having nightmares when he sleeps but he says they are too bad to tell me what they are !

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MrsWeasley · 26/07/2007 13:18

the thing that set him off was someone told him to put down in writing why they hadnt been able to do a certain task and after doing this(3pages later) the dept concerned said and whats your boss doing about this? answer was no a lot! I think it just hit him that they were being unfair.

When he finally went sick and his boss rang him to say there was no need to go sick, that dh was over reacting and that he was looking into it! BUT it had been going on for months and months.

No direct history of depression although his dad is a moody bloke who can go for months without speaking to anyone!

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CountessDracula · 26/07/2007 13:20

not sure I quite understand your first para

he was writing or the person who had been asked to was writing?

Sounds to me very much like he would benefit from some counselling tbh. Do his work offer a scheme? If not he should get himsefl down to drs

Re the nightmares, what does he think wil lhappen if he does tell you? That they will come true? It sounds to me like he has things very out of perspective and needs some professional help tbh

foxinsocks · 26/07/2007 13:22

that letter was a bit uncalled for - there are ways and means of doing things - does his company not have an HR department? It is very hard when you get stuck in a rut at work.

MrsWeasley · 26/07/2007 14:01

he has just rung again, he is coming home has spoken to GP and a union rep who both told him he perhaps went back to work too soon! He said thats what my wife said so he rang to tell me that perhaps he should listen to me more

At least if hes here I can monitor him and stop his stupid boss from making unhelpful comments.

Sorry CountessDracula: trying to type and talk to DC at the same time, as well as answer the phone and open a parcel!
Dh was asked to write down all the reasons why his office wasnt running effectively (short staffed, sickleave, staff members not being trained on certain things, increased targets, staff being sent to another other to cover staff there , etc etc etc) He wrote it all down and gave it to the department who had asked for the info in the first place and a manager in this department asked what dh's manager was going about it! dh replied that big boss was doing nothing and the department said that not right he shouldnt be dealing with all the stuff alone. Thats when my dh suddenly felt he just coudlnt carry on anymore!

I'm sure that is no clearer but its all spinning around in my head!

Thanks for all your wise words I really do appreciate it.

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CountessDracula · 26/07/2007 14:07

oh how odd
Sounds like they were about to do something about his workload!

Has he said why this made him feel like he couldn't cope? Was it a feeling of hopelessness? Did he not think that they might get his boss to help him out a bit or let him employ an assistant?

Mumpbump · 26/07/2007 14:14

What you describe doesn't surprise me. Often we put on a brave face and soldier on and it's only when someone else acknowledges and validates our concerns, that we feel able to let it all go. Your poor dh. I think his work sound cr*p. If he was signed off by a doctor, they have no right to tell him that his leave was excessive. I would have a chat to an employment solicitor just in case they start to get difficult when he goes back next time.

MrsWeasley · 26/07/2007 14:16

no his boss had just taken his assistant manager away to work in another office because they had 1 staff member away ( Dh's office was 3 short before his assistant was send elsewhere)

Its a dreadful arrangement where several dept can ask DH and other like him for work and reports but cant make his boss do anything to solve the problems they find!

Several other managers have suffered from this type of stress before so it not only happening to him!

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MrsWeasley · 26/07/2007 14:16

Thanks Mumpbump, I'll suggest that to him.

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susie100 · 26/07/2007 14:22

MrsWeasley, so sorry to hear about this, I have no real advice to offer other than to say I sympathise and it sounds as though you are being very supportive without nagging.
I can really relate to this, DP HATES his job at the moment and keeps on threatening to resign with nothing else to go to. This is very stressful for me and would rather he did not but althoguh I hate to see him so unhappy and miserable everyday. Am afraid he will just get depressed and stuck in a rut making it impossible for him to find another job. Maybe he should resign. Sorry, ahve huijacked your thread now but just wanted to say I sympathis - it is so hard when someone you love is unhappy but there is not much you can do about it!

MrsWeasley · 26/07/2007 14:26

Susie100: It must be dreadful for you.

My dh loved his job until recently (although he has alwasy been stressful)

Hope your dh can find another job thats makes him and you happier.

Thanks for posting!

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susie100 · 26/07/2007 14:28

And apologies for awful spelling!
Hope your DP can get over this stressful patch and goes back to enjoying his job. Can you go away for a week or two and stay with a friend, go for long walks etc? Sometimes a change of scene can do wonders.

CountessDracula · 26/07/2007 14:29

I agree sounds like he needs a good break

Can he start to look for something else? Sometimes just doing something about it can make them feel better

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