How do you recover from an emotional cesarean scar?

[Aquababe]

Everytime I think about my cs I feel sad. This is at least once every day when the scar causes me a bit of discomfort.

My dd was born by emergency cs after I was induced. I failed to progress past 3cm and she became distressed. I feel really dissappointed that I wasn't able to give birth in the calm and natural way I wanted. (waterbirth)
I also feel that things weren't explained very well to me. They didn't really explain to me or my dh what was going on let alone give me a choice. I also feel their refusal to call my dh the first 2 times I asked and their insistance that I lay on my back (so they could constantly monitor me) was probably the reason my dd got distressed as my bp would have been through the roof.

By not having a natural birth I feel that I let my dd down, my body down & myself down.
When I see my tummy I just want to cry. prior to my dd's birth my stomach didn't have very bad strech marks, but after they'd rummaged there's so many including big red splodgeythings. I don't feel like the same woman I used to be. I was one of those short t-shirt girls as although my tummy wasn't flat it was nice now it's revolting. (Thank God for tankini's )

We've started discussing when we should try for baby no 2. I know that I want another child not too far in age, but my dh says that he is dreading going through another similar situation.

I've been to the doctor regarding my scar as I was quite worried about it hurting at one point he checked me out and told me I was fine medically just said to wait 2 years before baby & that I shouldn't be returning to Aikido (martial art) for a while.
(incidentally when they say 2yrs does that mean from birth to conception or birth to birth?)
I just feel that my life is so on it's head since dd some of that I love, but some makes me so sad.

Has anyone else had this?
What did you do to get over it?

[Gingerbear]

Hi Aquababe. I had an emergency section 5 years ago, and felt a failure. I found it helped to go through my hospital records with a fantastic midwife to talk through my feelings and understand why everything went 'wrong'

have aread of this thread - there are many people who have similar feelings to you about the experience of an emergency section.

[Eleusis]

Oh, poor you.

Please don't feel guilty. You did alovely job of producing your DD. You are both alive and well and that is something to be proud of. Perhaps you should get an appointment to speak to someone (head midwife?) about what went wrong last time and how it might be prevented next time. They are likely to get a bit defensive, but try to reassure them you just want to try to have a successful natural delivery next time and you want to know that there was nothing you did wrong (and of there wasn't).

I am actually of the view that natural births are promoted so heavily that it contributes to women feeling as if they have failed if they end up in a section. There is nothing wrong with haveing a section. It is a successful birth and an occassion to be happy about just like any other birth.

As for the stretchmarks, I suspect they were there already but you couldn't see them whenyou were prgnant because you can't see much with a big pregnant belly blocking your view.

As for the right length of time to wait until the next one, I've heard a wide variety of views. Basically, the longer you wait the more likely it is that your scar will not rupture if you go for a VBAC. To be safe, I would probably wait about a year after the first birth to start trying for the next one. I had two sections (the first was an emergency following a failed induction and the second elective) two years and two months apart. Never had any trouble with my scar. In fact they did a nice job of tidying it up after the second section.

[lulumama]

bless you

i was you after the birth of DS 71/2 years ago


i like your description of an emotional scar, everything you have written, is just how i felt, i also had a failed induction did not progress past 2- 3 cm....

there are lots of things you can do , to prepare for the next birth

i would advise that you contact the Birth Trauam Association, here or you can email me directly, as i volunteer for the BTA . lulumama 21 @ hotmail .com

it is really importnat you come to terms with yout feelings about you DDs birth, before you embark on the next birth...and there are ways to get a more positive experience

let me just assure you , you have not led your DD down , nor yourself, nor your body...

many inductions seem doomed to fail inherently, not due to any fault on the mothers part, but by being stuck motionless on a bed, tethered to a drip , monitor, epidural etx.. which gives you less chance of a successful delivery....being able to move in labour is such a basic thing, and often being induced stops that happening....

you;ve taken the first step of asking for help,

i went on to have a vaginal delivery for my 2nd baby, no intervention , intact perineum, a wonderful, healing and empowering experience,,,it also inspired me to start training as a doula!

x

[Oblomov]

Yes, poor you, I love my cs scar, but mine was planned.
There are lots of threads and lots of posters who feel the same, I'm sure they will be here soon to help and comfort you.

[lulumama]

have just done a quick search for threads about birth trauma i have posted on, found 76 . so you are absolutely not alone

like PND it is one of those things, that just doens;t get talked about

[piglit]

Part of the problem is that we are lead to believe that we'll have a wonderful birth and when that doesn't happen you feel a real sense of let down/loss/grief. I had a very similar siuation with ds1 and it did take me a while to get over it emotionally. I saw a really brilliant woman from the birth trauma unit and that really helped me get my head round it.

I fell pg with ds2 when ds1 was only 3 months old and I did worry about my scar. However, my consultant said that although the timing wasn't ideal there shouldn't be a problem. I had a vbac 54 weeks after my section. I was only allowed to push for an hour in case of rupture but that was ok - ds2 was born with the help of a ventouse after exactly an hour of pushing. I would think that a 2 year gap would be absolutely fine.

[Gingerbear]

On a positive note, my DD and I often talk about how she was born; we sit in the bath and she fondly touches the scar and says things like:

'Did the doctor hurt you mummy?'
'Why didn't it hurt?'
'It isn't red anymore'
'I love your scar mummy'

I think she is quite proud that she was so special that she had to come out that way.

[mumfor1standfinaltime]

Hi Aquababe. I could have written your post. I know exactly where you are coming from. I had a em c section as ds was an undiagnosed breech/distressed/high bp for me and more!

Please do not feel a failure for having a c section. It wasn't your fault. It can feel so daunting in hospital having doctors and midwifes running around you. It feels like noone is telling you anything doesn't it.
It took me a long time to conquer some of the anger and upset, but it does get easier. Talking about it helps, I find. Mumsnet helps too - lulumama is a good listener!
I know where you are coming from with deciding to have more lo's. My dh is also worried about 'doing it all again' and so am I. For now we are going to take each day at a time.

[yesireallycan]

I am sure Lulumama will be along soon...but in terms of healing from your first birth you might find some of the resources on the ICAN website (International Cesarean Awareness Network) very helpful. There is a support group here as well as readings and other resources.

In terms of your next pregnancy, there is absolutely no reason why you should not have a vaginal birth if you want one, but the key thing will be to find yourself a supporting and encouraging midwife and/or doctor. If you are not happy with what they are telling you, then change. You might also consider hiring a doula to give you someone to discuss your concerns with, she will also help you debrief your previous experiences, and plan for your next birth in a positive way, as well as provide you and DH with emotional support and encouragement. You could do this now, before you even try for another, you don't need to wait until the birth.

It sounds like you have already started to reflect on your birth experience and identify why things turned out the way they did, which is great - if you can find a way of debriefing and exploring your feelings then that is half the battle in terms of finding some sort of acceptance with what happened. While you may never be happy with the way things turned out, perhaps you can find a way of coming to terms with it and learning from your experience - and hopefully putting that learning to good use for your next birth.

Good luck!!

[yesireallycan]

Oops composed my message and posted it only to discover that lots of people had been there before me including the lovely lulumama....

[kittypants]

after em cs ,then a planned one a year later i had bad pnd,i couldnt get over that in my head,i didnt work properly.but my children got me over that.now 7 and 6 they often talk of mummys side door!and i had a 3rd csection 16 months ago,which was a great experience even with complications..i asked the consultant to give him straight to me so we had skin to skin.

[sunnysideup]

I think accepting that you had a difficult time in labour and birth is absolutely key. Many people think that because the outcome was great (you ok, baby ok) that this sort of birth isn't a 'real' trauma. But it is and you should 'award' yourself that and accept that you did deal with something difficult and deeply upsetting.

I would say you definitely need at least one good long session with someone just talking through the birth and your feelings: maybe the head of midwifery at your hospital if you feel you would benefit from having your notes gone through; I went back to my ante-natal class teacher and spoke to her and that was great.

I think as time goes on you may accept the physical changes more easily (and if you're doing aikido at some point and getting fit, you may get back much more closely than you think to how you were) and I know many people think this is weird but I love my stretchmarks, and my scar. My body went through one hell of a trauma, quite apart from creating a beautiful miraculous boy, and I love the physical reminders of what I've been through.

I'm sure as time goes on acceptance of it all will come a bit easier.

[Aloha]

I've had two caesareans but wanted them both (even though I had no choice at all about no1 and I think no2 would have been equally necessary and was certainly a blessed relief), but I do know what it is like to feel traumatised by a birth - in my case horrible, cruel midwives and a very painful back labour. For me my caesareans were wonderful things. Fantastic. To see my babies lifted safely into the world by marvellous doctors instead of being dead (as ds would have been) or possibly damaged (as I believe dd could have been) was amazing. I certainly never felt any sort of failure for not enduring a minute more of the awful labour with dd. I very much doubt my children will ever feel 'let down' because they were lifted into the world instead of pushed or pulled! HOwever, you can go back to the hospital and ask for someone to explain the circumstances of your baby's birth to you - the nature of her 'distress', and why you were induced etc. That is your right.
As for the stretch marks, I can tell you categorically that they have NOTHING to do with the caesarean. I absolutely promise you that. What happens is that you think you have no stretch marks because they sneak up so craftily under your bump where you cannot see them at all. It is only afterwards that you spot them, when the baby is out of the way! They WILL fade though and your tummy will look better again, if not quite the same, but that's the same for everyone. How old is your dd? I am sorry and surprised your scar still hurts, but I am sure that 2years is rather extreme. Things heal up a lot quicker than that.

[Aquababe]

I've been trying to discuss it with my mum who ironically had an identical first birth with my older sister thirty years before mine, but she's going through the menopase herself and is a bit pull-yourself-together about it any way.
I did look at the birth trauma website but it had just looked like people who had far worse experience's than mine. I think I'll have to take a second more indepth look at it.
I haven't found my doctors or my hv terribly useful so far. is there any way I can see my notes with some one or do I have to go through them.

[Aquababe]

my dd is 16months

[lulumama]

aquababe

my own experience was very similar to yours, the fact that it was not necessarily life or death, does not disallow you from feeling the way you are feeling..if that makes sense! other people;s traumas may have been worse, the same , or easier..none of that stops you feeling the way you do..there is not a sliding scale, after which you are allowed / not allowed to feel like this

contact the head of midwifery or the patient liaison service, PALS, to ask to go through your notes with a midwife

[Aquababe]

I have sent an email to my local hospitals' pal person hopefully I'll get a reply.

Incidently I used to check under my bump with a mirror and get dh to watch for stretch marks. as I was paranoid about them.
I was convinced that from the way dh said about being able to see his hands up by my ribs that they were down to the surgeon.

[lulumama]

let us know how you get on x

[Eleusis]

I think the stretchmarks happened on their own. You will have been cut open at the point so I doubt it would stretch the skin any tighter. I think it's quite common for the surgeon to rummage up under the ribs. I know mine did on the planned section. No idea what they did on the first one as I was knocked out.

[Aloha]

Honestly, the stretchmarks wouldn't have been caused by the surgery. They happen during pregnancy.
You can contact your hospital maternity department and talk to them about wanting to go through your notes. Or call and ask for patient liaison.

[Aquababe]

wow v quick reply from them
They have sent me an email saying they are arranging it.
got so fobbed off with hv's I thought I'd get the same from the hospital.

Any tips on the strechmarks tried palmers strech mark cream but no luck.

[Eleusis]

I think if you found a remedy for stretchmarks you could be a rich woman.

[Aquababe]

I've got a reply from and have an appointment to see some one one thursday. she wants me to give her a list of questions that I might have so if she can't answer them she has time to get someoneelse to.

Is this normal. now struggling over the specifics of the questions
and getting a little sad thinking about it all

Any advise on how to tackle this?

[lulumama]

maybe start with why you were induced......

why you did not progress past 3cm.....and when it was clear you were not progressing, why you confined to bed, lying on your back, which is the worst position to be in to encourage dilation..

why they did not call your DH when you asked,and clearly needed him there

they can reassure you the surgery did not cause the stretch marks.......which will fade to silver and become almost invisible

the policy on VBAC..

[Aquababe]

what should I mention about my reasons for needing this? If I mention about the birth tramua association website could it cause them to clam up and get defensive ?

incidently there are a few other issues with my birth story that I omitted (no pain relief till delivery suite, vomiting & starting to blackout due to anesthetic)