Just so very frustrated, down etc

[pausingforbreath]

So, not been on health before not sure this is totally health ( maybe relationships too - but too health for relationships ).

I've had a very painful knee since Easter , many pain killers and it was limiting me.
Had a consultation that found I had torn cartilage and calcification so went in for a fairly straightforward arthroscopy to sort it out this week.
I assumed pain for a while, lessening and it getting better - all over soon enough.
In the recovery room my consultant spoke to me. Whilst in my knee it was a lot worse than on x ray etc.
He'd done cartilage repair and removed calcification but also found a big hole in my bone. :-(

Upshot, micro fracturing ( to encourage bleeding to heal/ build bone in hole) and I'm not allowed to weight bear on that leg until I go back (1st week in August).

So I find myself at home on crutches, I can't do anything, I'm reliant on others for everything. I can't even carry a glass of water.
Showering, washing , damn everything is a struggle. I'm wobbly enough so I daren't even have a drink.

I'm feeling so isolated , useless and unattractive.

I have no idea how long this lasts ( when I go back they see if the microfracturing is working, if it is- I don't know, if it's isn't , then I'm having a knee replacement). I have a family I can't do anything for, a holiday booked that I've no idea I can go on and a job that I can't get to or do.

I stupidly googled 'why do bones get holes' and it came back 'cancer' now I can't unsee it.

Just really down , scared and worried how my relationship with Dh is going to be now he's had to become my carer....,

Anyone with any optimistic stories for me please....,,,
Or just plain advice on how to cope / manage .
Apologies if this is self absorb ant drama queen territory...

[MerdeAlor]

Ah that sounds shit and frightening OP.

There are many of us on here who rely somewhat on our DPs. You get used to it. In fact in some ways it can make your relationship more tender and empathetic.
Think of it this way - if the tables were turned you'd willingly do the same for your DP wouldn't you?

[pausingforbreath]

Thanks MerdeAlor,
Yes I would ( if reversed ) . It's the speed at which it's happened & the uncertainty of what's happening going forward which I'm struggling with.
Dh is in an out the house at 7.30 gone for 12hrs job . He also has to travel so can be away for days.
No option to cut down .
Now he has everything at home ( inc kids but thank god they're secondary school age) and me to look after ....
I just don't know when I'll be capable again , being a bit of a control freak I'm in new territory ; and don't like it one bit :(

[MerdeAlor]

I hear you, control freak here too this'll be good practice to let go of the reins, relax as much as possible and trust in your husband and his capabilities. It won't be forever.
I'm two years on from a serious illness that has left me still partially reliant on my DH, although almost fully reliant when I was first ill. You get used to it.
Good luck with your knee.

[Clarella]

Hi pausing - I'm so sorry you've got all this going on.

I have had a strange body breakdown due to a combo of slightly off thyroid, low ferritin, apparently hypermobility syndrome (post preg spd) and possibly an adverse reaction to sertaline. Basically my muscles became very weak and painful, I could barely hold a plate and at my worst cleaning teeth was awful.

It was so insidious in onset my DH wasn't particularly supportive. He blamed my breastfeeding. In all honesty he struggled with my struggles and low mood. I think he felt overwhelmed and useless. I also think he developed a postnatal anxiety about our Lo who had low birth weight. It's only now I'm recovering he's better and more understanding.

I've had struggles since 20 due to thyroid and carrying on and then just not coping basically in the same way you describe. But also others not understanding or recognising how hard it is (peers at uni for eg) and being dismissed by gps at times (only to be later found I was right to to gp/ Mis managed) As a result ive developed anxiety around not being capable.

I'm sharing this with you as I wonder if you could do with some support from counsellors - specifically the pain clinic/ physio service do also seem to offer support/ CBT style stuff. Your likely to need some time to build up stamina too even when off crutches. It's extremely hard to deal with and not many understand until they've experienced it.

I found a physio who talked to be about bean theory, and CFS the most helpful for example, and I wonder if physios/ OTs could help.

Also - if under consultant care there might be access to counsellors attached to your hospital specifically to help with illnesses.

As a result of my experiences I seem to be very sensitive to mh anxiety symptoms - I find it hard to ask for help etc for example and get frustrated others don't understand. I don't bother trying to explain and find it easier to hide away - but it makes it harder to re emerge! (the first time and this time I only understood what was going on and how bad it was when I've recovered physically ) In a way I have suffered a very invisible illness, but I think others find it hard to understand how people feel if debilitated even if they can see why - iykwim?

Lastly, we looked at couples counselling but couldn't as I was having support - but I believe it's often a good thing to do if one of the couple does go through a very difficult illness.

[Clarella]

Basically if your oh can cope you'll be ok, but he may find it tough and need emotional support too.