Need to moan about my back pain and meds and other stuff

[Pavlovthecat]

I am so fed up. back pain, leg pain, just cant get it under control for any real length of time. Been prescribed amitriptyline which i have been taking for a week. the side affects arent too bad, but groggy in the day, slightly vacant no change there but the mornings are a real problem, been managing them by taking earlier in the evening and although mornings are hard, been forcing myself to get up, mainly as DH has not really accepted me laying in bed when kids need getting ready (am off sick from work, again).

yesterday it al got mixed up with the meds as i had a kay-in, so took meds later (slow release tramdol etc) then was in a lot of pain by 6pm so took more meds, forgot to take my tramadol and amitriptyline at the right time, remembered at 10pm and said I should probably miss that dose, just take normal tramadol start again today, DH said 'oh nonono you got to keep taking them you will be ok' I reminded him I will struggle to get up, he got the meds for me to take.

This morning I really could not get up. I felt mentally unable to will myself out of bed, I kept dozing off, waking up with drool on my pillow (bluergh!). DH said 'its time to get up' when the kids bounded in, it felt like 5am. DS said 'who is going to get up with us' and DH said 'we both are' I said that I needed a little bit more time and he huffed out of bed, did not bother trying to get me up again. He brought me a drink as he left with the children to take DD to school, did not ask how I am, dutiful kiss, which I was not able to respond to as it was not gentle, just perfunctory, and off he went. When he came back he did not come up to see me.

Friend of his came over with his child they are taking the kids swimming, he cooked breakfast, I tried to get my medication from the cupboard (high up, struggled due to pain) and he just asked me to move out of the way so he could cut bread. Anyway, breakfast was fine, we all chattered, DS hurt himself, I went to see him and he insisted on me picking him up, the men looked on while I struggled to do so.

Then I mentioned the McMillan Coffee Morning as DDs school, I had really wanted to go to it, and I missed it and DH said 'yeah could have fooled me you stayed in bed!' I told him that I did not want to stay in bed, I could not get up. He did not respond.

I lay on the sofa in pain, and feeling teary because he just does not get it. And if he does not get it when he is with me all the time, how can others get it? He came to say goodbye before taking the kids out, gave me a kiss, tears were running down my face and he didn't say a thing. Just another dutiful kiss. He did not even bring my DS in to say goodbye, just left.

I can't see how I can get back to work like this, the pain is to up and down. And I have no-one to talk to or support me, even my DH has had enough it and no longer asks how I am. He has not once asked how I am today, when I challenge him on it he says 'i know how you are'. He obviously does not tell the children I have not got up because my back is painful/meds effect so they are going to think I just don't care enough.

That was exceptionally long. Sorry. I doubt if you will read it but I needed to get it out. I really wish

[VivaLeBeaver]

Pavlov - the sleepyness in the morning does get better. It took about 4 weeks with me though. I don't think people do understand, it isn't just been tired. I felt physically unable to open my eyes/lift my head off the pillow for the first few weeks in the mornings.

[Pavlovthecat]

joyful oh he knows, he has just run out of sympathy. He cooks and does the school run and stuff, he makes me a coffee, gets me meds, does the dutful carer thing and so when I say he is not being supportive he will say, how can you say that?!! look at all this that I am doing! But, what I would like, is a gentle 'how are you feeling sweety' while he gives me a hug or something, something gentle, tender, some nice words. But I don't want a carer, I want a husband who shows me that even though I am not my usual self, even though I am more grumpy than usual, don't smile as much he still loves me. He has no idea how much just a kind word a supportive word here and there will do wonders to lift me up. More than a cooked breakfast which is for him and his friend anyway. A slice of bread, bringing my meds up and asking how I am is what I need.

The kids do know, as much as they can understand, DD is 6 she knows pretty much everything but I keep telling her it will get better just going to take a while. I don't know anymore if that is even going to happen. But I tell her anyway. But, he does not say for example today 'mummy is feeling a bit rotten' or something because if he did, she would be up with me like a shot, doing all the things he needs to be doing. She is a very empathic child. DS is almost 3 and he said to me yesterday early morning (before I went back to bed for my lie-in) 'mummy i wish your back wasn't always sore, i wish it would get better'. How can I feel good about him understanding that? I don't want him to understand.

I want to go back to work. But am very aware that right now I will be back for a couple of days, maybe a week then off again. And I am starting to worry that I won't be able to return to work. But DH refuses to talk about that, he says I am projecting and gets cross that I am even thinking this way.

And right now I can't stop crying.

[Pavlovthecat]

viva yes that is exactly it, I want to get up, but just simply cannot get my head up. and i keep drifting off and waking, not quite asleep but not quite awake, aware I am dribbling and unable to stop it .

And when I am up I look like a fright for a good two hours afterwards, zoned and like a space cadet.

[Pavlovthecat]

and, not even just saying the words 'how are you?' but to actually mean it. Like the kiss. there is an 'i love you' kiss and there is a smack on the lips so he does not appear rude leaving without a kiss.

[Pavlovthecat]

and for the millionth time in the last few weeks in particular, i really want my mum here to help me through this bit heap of shit that is my life.

[Pavlovthecat]

I feel a bit better already for just getting it all out. I probably just needed a good cry. I only ever seem to cry in front of bloody medical people these days. And that is very embarrassing. Least I got it all out before the kids get home.

Thanks for listening to my wingeing.

[Pavlovthecat]

Let me give you another example of how he longer gives a toss.

He has just come back from swimming, yelled hello. Not come in to say hello. Not even seen him yet.

[Pavlovthecat]

ok, he has just come in 'did i leave my phone here?'

so i have just grumpily said 'you mean, hello my lovely wife, how are you feeling? let me come and give you a kiss' and he complained I am grumpy.

[VivaLeBeaver]

I think sometimes blokes don't know what to do when someone is poorly, they feel useless as they can't make it better so they seem to think they'll do nothing. Rather than offering tea and sympathy. My dh is slightly better, as in he won't moan about me being in bed, but he wouldn't bring tea, come and ask me how I was, etc.

[Pavlovthecat]

yeah maybe. not helped by his friend being here so all testosterone and macho, which is odd as his friend asks how i am! and came to say hello.

guess it is just not cool to show affection.

[SueFlaysAgainstTheDaleks]

Oh Pav, I've followed your threads (fellow back pain sufferer), and am sorry to read that you're still having such a rough time with it.

I absolutely agree with TheJoyfulPuddleJumper when she says this: "I would also do the same with DH - explain ti him exactly how you feel. Show him some of your posts on here. It really is hard to understand how debilitating this can be unless you've experienced it, but you deserve a lot more help and sympathy from him."

I'm not sure what meds etc you're on, but I found that there came a point when the pain got me down to such an extent that it seemed worthwhile giving anti-depressants a try.

I'm generally not one for "medicating" if I don't need to, but I was so utterly fed up with the pain and everything else (a year post-accident) that I'd have tried anything.

That was a couple of months ago, and they have made a positive difference. I'm still in pain, but I'm coping with it a bit better, which means I'm less grumpy.

I also read that there may be a link between ongoing inflammatory response and depression.

Can I ask what dosage of Amitriptyline you're on? I've just been prescribed this today (finally), but reading this thread am now quite worried about how it'll affect me in the mornings (lone parent, child at school, need to be at work etc).

[Pavlovthecat]

interesting about inflammatory response and depression. Probably partly why the doc gave me the amitryptiline! (can never spell it right). I am on 25mg at night, a very low dose apparently.

I have told DH how I am feeling. I told him last night in fact as I am having side effects from the meds (constipation and all that goes with that if you get me) mouth ulcers, stomach/pelvic pain which might or might not be related to backpain (referred) but which has just been put down to that by GP for now. I told him I feel thoroughly rotten, this was before we went to sleep. He said, probably the closest to something supportive that he has said for a long time 'it won't be like this forever'. and then today it is like that conversation never happened.

He is now asleep on the sofa having come in from swimming with DS, had a cup of tea with his friend who has now gone and has still not asked me how I bloody am. He grunted at me that gymnastics is cancelled today and that is pretty much the extent of our conversation.

[Pavlovthecat]

and the meds I am on in total are:

200mg slow release tramadol x 2 daily (morning and night) plus 50mg normal top-ups if I need more up to 400mg a day
1000mg paracetamol x 4 daily (sometimes I forget to take this)
50mg diclofenac
25mg omeprazole x 1 daily
Amitripyline 25mg a 1 at night.

[Pavlovthecat]

that read wrong should be 100mg x 2 daily of tramadol, 200mg in total before topups.