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Boys not accepting foster placement

(8 Posts)
Markmc Sat 25-Apr-20 09:50:55

Our three teen boys are really not making our new, permanent foster placement welcome. We have to pretty force them to do anything with her (she’s five) and they just can’t be bothered with her. It’s so disappointing as their selfishness has really surprised us as they are great with other people’s young kids. Any advice to help us get them to make her feel at home!!

OP’s posts: |
Markmc Sat 25-Apr-20 09:51:59

Our three teen boys are really not making our new, permanent foster placement welcome. We have to pretty force them to do anything with her (she’s five) and they just can’t be bothered with her. It’s so disappointing as their selfishness has really surprised us as they are great with other people’s young kids. Any advice to help us get them to make her feel at home!!

OP’s posts: |
Hoppinggreen Sat 25-Apr-20 09:53:28

I think most teenage boys wouldn’t want to “ do anything” with a 5 year old, she’s probably pretty boring to them. Plus it must be a difficult time for them at the moment even without a new, more demanding arrival
How much input did they have into your decision to accept the placement?

Markmc Sat 25-Apr-20 10:00:24

They’ve been on board and have always said they were fine with us fostering. I know everything is shite for them right now as they can’t see their mates or girlfriends and she can be really annoying because she’s five! Are we expecting too much of them? As I said they’re great with other people’s kids!

OP’s posts: |
Hoppinggreen Sat 25-Apr-20 10:49:54

I have no experience of fostering, but I do have experience of teenagers
In my opinion yes you are asking far too much of them, even if you think they’re were onboard with the decision (and maybe they thought they were too) the reality is very different. Their world has been turned upside down as it is.
Also,other people’s kids go home!

SittingontheSidelines Sat 25-Apr-20 12:02:03

I would be saying don't ask too much of them. This is a long term relationship they are going to be building, it won't hurt to take it slow. As they get used to her being there and it all starts to feel normal the interactions will start in small ways and build up naturally. No guarantees that it will ever be more than tolerance though. I'm assuming this is keeping a distance rather than being actively hostile. Do they have any support groups for children of foster carers in your area? Although ours can't attend any activities currently they do offer virtual support and going forward can be really useful to talk to other children of carers, share ideas, have a moan.

happytobeheresparkl Fri 01-May-20 10:55:17

I am 9 years into fostering and have two teenage boys. I have a placement initially of say 7 and 8 we are now three years into the he placement and whilst I took its time we defo have built a relationship but it took time ... one of the children now call one of my boys brother and bus him and tells him he loves him the other just banters with them both like normal teenagers would a very healthy teenage relationship.

Don't force things you're boys will be adjusting. Teenage boys don't leave their rooms anycase make sure you all sit to have a meal once a day and ask each other about the day. This will help

iusedtohavechickens Sat 06-Jun-20 10:10:58

Please don't force them to do anything with her, it will come naturally over time if they so wish but if you force them they will end up resenting you for forcing them to help with the fostering.
I have 3 teenage daughters and I don't ask them to do anything with the foster children but will accept their help when it's offered. We foster as a family but ultimately I'm the main carer and do most of the work then rely on hubby for help. I make it clear to the girls that I appreciate their help when it comes. My middle teen struggles bonding with the foster children as she knows she will have to say goodbye which she struggles with. We have just adopted the baby we cared for from birth and a year later she is jaunt starting to bond with her as she now knows it permanent. Just give them space and time it's a big adjustment x

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