Have been asked on a previous thread to start a thread about experiences and feeling of being a looked after kid. Anyone who wants to share their own experiences and thoughts please post! Anyone looking for insight or questions please ask.
I don't want to get in to to much about my past or why I was fostered but I'll give you the bare bones. I was passed pillar to post between my mum dad and paternal GPs. I was sleeping around and taking drugs. I used to disappear for days and days because I wanted to be with my friends. Most of my "friends" were older and drug addicts I wanted to be like them, the other half of my "friends" were drug dealers or girls like me. Stupid girls with low self esteem that would do anything for love.
I got placed in FC at 14 after I ran away from my nans in my dressing gown, I hated being indoors, my nan and grandad used to constantly argue about me. My grandad shouted it was him or me to my nan and so I properly ran away. In the end the police brought me back a few weeks later and no one would take me back, emergency SW came out and took me to a BnB and left me till a placement came up.
I loved being in FC for all the wrong reasons, I loved no one cared whether I came home or not, yes they would ring the police but no one was bothered. I loved having a taxi to take me to school I quickly found out all I was entitled to IE laptop for school, £100 birthday and christmas. Anything I wanted I could complain about to SW and she would try to get it from FP for me. I loved they couln't tell me what to do or place any bounderies, I could get excluded from school with no grounding, no disappointed faces waiting for me.
None of that made up for I was still wanting to be wanted. The more I acted up the more I just wanted someone to love me. The first FC was a bitch. An A class bitch. We were only allowed brown bread toast or weetabix with no sugar for breakfast not even proper butter. We had to be out the house all day till 8:30 and not in each others rooms past 9pm. If we came home hungry we were offered brown bread toast or tomato soup nothing else ever.
I wanted to get moved so much, I hated living there but no one would move me, so me and sarah (her names not sarah she was another FC and we were friends) trashed her house. We poured bleach all over her new landing carpet all over her clothes. Ruined her bathroom that we wern't allowed to use and wrecked everything. In the end we opened all the christmas presents in her bedroom (took what we wanted) and led on her bed smoking using a picture of her son as an ashtray.
I really was not a nice teen, theres more but this post will be to long anyway.
So basically in the 2 years I was in care (left day after my 16th birthday) I had 8 placements including respite. Every single time I went somewhere new, this feeling of not being wanted and just used for money intensified. No one can imagine turning up at some strangers house with your black bags looking at where your going to be living from now on. Its the most insecure feeling you could imagine. You finish the paperwork they act so nice (and patronising) the SW leaves you and you go to your room to unpack, and don't feel you can go back down again. You sit there hungry and thirsty but you can't leave the room.
I was such a brattish entilted loud sweary smoking brash tell you how I went joyriding last night type of teenager. You would never of guessed how much I used to hurt inside. Most nights I went to sleep crying over the slightest criticism and feeling of not belonging. The smallest things like not buying the right butter becomes a huge thing that I don't feel anyone who hasn't been there can understand.
The lovliest FC was a no nonsense blunt older single lady. She wouldn't let me have a TV in my bedroom because she wanted me to be around downstairs on an evening. She baked the best ever chocolate tortes and cakes and made me sit up at the dining table every day even if we wern't talking. She let me read her extensive books collections, I had my own bathroom and she trusted me. I still didn't have bounderies as such but I never really broke her rules. Most of the FC I didn't care if they said you can't do that or go there, I would do it anyway but I couldn't be that brash with her. Even though she was such a lovely person I hated it when her family was around, I didn't feel I fitted in and would just disappear. To them I was just another kid there mum had. I would look around at them and feel out of place.
To this day I still feel socially awkward like I don't belong, has got much better. I have my own flat, 2 beautiful children a job, I don't smoke or take drugs anymore, this last year I feel part of society and secure. (sure thats the counselling I had)
I actually feel nervous posting this as a why would anyone care what I went through or about me but argh here goes!
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43 replies
Inneedofbrandy · 28/10/2012 21:00
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