Letterbox contact with sibling not working. FC perspective please!

[FamiliesShareGerms]

I'd be grateful for some thoughts from FCs to try to understand what is going on and how to manage the situation at our end, please.

It was recently our adopted daughter's first birthday with us. The agreed letterbox contact with her birth family was timed to allow them to send her a birthday card in advance. We spent a bit of time talking to her and our son (who is older; she's too little yet to really understand) about this. In the event, we have received nothing from anyone.

I completely understand that this is a difficult time for the parents. But she has a half-sibling who is in long term foster care who hasn't sent anything either. SS say that the FC "have been very busy doing things for X", but I suppose I don't really understand how they couldn't find time to pop a card in the post on her behalf (she's old enough to write in it, but would need them to take the lead in buying it etc). I thought the point of letterbox contact was to allow them to maintain some kind of relationship, which is supposed to be beneficial on both sides.

Do I assume that nothing will ever be forthcoming and manage expectations accordingly at this end, and treat anything that does come as a bonus? (Certainly what I think we will have to do with the parents.) Why wouldn't the FC see it as important to keep to the agreement and send a card (and ideally a letter too)? Isn't it part of their role while looking after the sibling?

Any thoughts welcome!

Thanks in advance!

[scarlet5tyger]

As far as I can see, the FC should have gone out of their way to at least post a card! It's not like it would take much effort and it would likely mean a huge deal to your child in the future. Most FC's I know (myself included) do everything we can to maintain family contact for siblings, including driving large distances to meet up.

Did you ask the SW whether parents sent anything at all? I know letters have been held back from children I've moved on in the past as they were totally inappropriate.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Thanks scarlet, that's what I thought! SW confirmed they received the letter from us but were "too busy" to reciprocate

[bonnieslilsister]

I, also, would and do go out of my way to keep contact with siblings of my fc. The sad reality is there are some, hopefully not many, half hearted foster carers but this might not be true in this case, who knows? It could be an oversight but it isn't good. I would not mention anything in future until you have received it. Congratulations on your 1st year anniversary

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Thanks, bonnieslilsister - and thanks! :)

[marriedtoagoodun]

BUT you have to realise that as a foster carer you are reliant on information being passed on. We fostered three children and when the eldest was moved into kinship care we tried to keep the contact that had been agreed upon by court on behalf of the two children still living with us. However, we were not allowed to post things direct. This meant that I gave things to social worker in plenty of time and the card/gift never made it forward. It was sad for us and for the eldest child who ended up back in care - he felt they and we had abandoned him. It was horrid and I am bet he felt 'surely they could just post a card'. The whole process relies on every person prioritising letter box contact and sometimes it just gets left to the back of the queue.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

You're right, married, that it's a pain that everything has to go through SS, who aren't renowned for their administrative prowess... However, SS updated us today that the FC have been in touch and are planning to send a letter and card "shortly"... We will see.