Terminations - unplanned 3rd pregnancy

[Laughdontcry]

So in short, I have a DS and DD and just been surprised with an unplanned pregnancy. I've never really yearned for another and was comfortable and happy knowing I could provide for my current 2 without having to make them go without anything.

DH was happy about the news, were I am complete nervous wreck. I came from a family of four kids, I'm not particularly close to any of them and hated that we didn't have much and had to share everything. As I have had my own family I have always liked the thought of being able to offer my children more than I had. So it breaks my heart to think a third may jeopardise that when it comes to space and finance.

I am very pro choice and have had conversations with my DH about both continuing the pregnancy and termination. He is supportive either way but says the decision ultimately lies with me.

What are peoples experiences with early medical terminations?

There's often lots of comments from women who have had them and then instantly regretted it? Has it affected you long term? Are you one of these women or their partners?

Alternatively, has anyone had an early medical termination and believed it was the right thing for them to do? Has it ever affected you long term? Are you better for it?

I'm really at a loss and just keep going around in circles.

Please answer with personal experiences as apposed to beliefs, as I don't want this to be a discussion of "right and wrong" but more of a safe space where I can get some insight.

[JulietMontague]

Hello
I was in a similar situation and decided to terminate, an early one that was really straightforward and not really any more painful than a period. I do occasionally struggle a bit with it (generally only when others close to me have babies, but I soon move on) but now that we’re a few years down the line, I’m glad we can have holidays as a family of four, the kids have their own bedrooms, I’m not outnumbered, they get lots of attention, etc. and my career has survived. I was also from a big family and we clashed a lot. I don’t have rose-tinted glasses about having lots of siblings but I do know it’s a blessing for some. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[LemonadeFromLemons]

Hi Op, very different situation (with partner who I was splitting up with when found out I was pregnant) but I was 100% certain that it was the right decision for me, for him and for the potential baby. I’m now over a year on and if I do think about it, I think I absolutely made the right decision for everyone.

[Labisb]

Hi, This happened to me when my first two were 7 and 9, had an early termination and regretted it at once and do still now, 20 years later. I feel it was a rushed & pressurised decision, unwelcoming and ungenerous on my part and it's still painful to think about. That's just my experience of course, no reflection on anyone else's decision. As a result gave it a lot of thought and decided to try for another baby. Went on to have 2 more so bit of an age gap between older and younger kids but the big ones helped with the little ones and loved it. We were never wealthy but we managed and it was incredibly rich in terms of living with loads of memories now. Not sure how we did it, and there were certainly no new cars, and clothes & furniture were mainly second hand, but there was always enough, we ate well, we found ways to do holidays quite cheaply, the kids had music lessons etc - lots of quarrels and lots of jokes. They are all grown up now and do still squabble but are all in touch with each other almost daily. My career survived, I always worked, part time. I still feel sad about that decision and wish I'd waited a few more days and given it more thought, though very grateful for all the family life we have had.

[PrimeraVez]

Hi, I’m coming up to 12 weeks with a very unexpected 3rd. DH and I had a chat the day I got my BFP about our ‘options’ but quickly agreed it wasn’t something we were really going to consider.

For us, there was no ‘big’ reason not to continue - we have space, time, money etc. I honestly don’t know how I would handle a termination emotionally and so felt more comfortable with continuing the pregnancy. An additional complication is that I live in a country with no access to abortion, so I would have needed to travel which I think would have made it feel like a bigger ‘thing’.

I still can’t say I’m 100% excited about the whole thing but I am slowly getting there. One thing that has been quite noticeable is that this time, I’m a lot more pragmatic about the whole thing. I have a history of MC and my last pregnancy in particular was filled with anxiety and a billion early/reassurance scans. This time I am very much of the ‘what will be, will be’ approach and it’s actually been quite refreshing.

Best of luck

[Laughdontcry]

Thank you all for your replies, I'm still non of the wiser about my situation, but it's nice to know there's light at both ends of the tunnel in their own respects...

It's literally all I think about from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. Sometimes I'm dead certain I don't want to make the other two sacrifice and go without and then other times I think I'm being selfish and maybe they'd appreciate another sibling. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Time is not on my side, I have an appointment to discuss my options on the 16th, so I'm thinking I'll hunker down in the next few days and make a final decision. Maybe if I tell myself it's my final decision instead of going around in circles i may have a bit more closure?!

Thanks again for your replies. Xx

[Labisb]

It's really difficult, isn't it (and not made any easier by the pregnancy hormones swirling around!) I learned there's sometimes a difference between what we think we want, and what we really want, and that's not affected by money (our income was very irregular, I was the main breadwinner with my little salary but as I said above somehow we really never lacked for anything). Been thinking of you - take care, take a deep breath, and best of luck with your decision. Xx

[PrimeraVez]

Does it help to play out different scenarios?

Imagine you woke up tomorrow and were bleeding and miscarried. How would you feel? Sad? Relieved? Disappointed? Guilty?

For us when we decided to continue, it was also really important that we promised each other we would always support each other. My worst fear would have been aborting and then one of us resenting the other for making that decision, or continuing and then having 'well you wanted this, I didn't' thrown in one of our faces. We had to really promise each other whatever happens, however this ends, we will face it together and deal with it together.

[BillStickersIsInnocent]

I had an early medical termination with a unplanned pregnancy. I have a mental health condition which is exacerbated by pregnancy, and got worse between first and second previous pregnancies, so my decision to terminate was for my own well-being and that of my two children - I couldn’t put myself or them through that.

That was five years ago. I still sometimes have ‘what if’ moments, but no regret. It was the right thing for me and my family. Not to say it wasn’t upsetting and stressful, but the right decision for us.

Thinking of you OP x

[Whyistheteacold]

Hi op. A few years ago I had an abortion. It was my first pregnancy, at the time I was 21, had just got accepted into university and I was living in student accommodation. I knew that technically I could have the baby and just about be able to afford it if I quit uni and moved into a small flat or something. I immediately felt love for the baby. But at the same time I knew I couldn't provide the life that I would want for a child. I was still so young myself, I felt like my life was just starting to take shape. It was the hardest decision that I have ever had to make, but ultimately it was one of love. I felt that I couldn't provide financially or emotionally what my baby deserved and it would have been selfish for me to keep it. After it happened I was simultaneously devestated and relieved. I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do, but that didn't stop it from hurting. I found it really difficult to be around other babies for a few years, and I couldn't help thinking "what if." 6 years on and I have just had my DD. When she was born it cemented in my mind that I absolutely did the right thing, I was so far from ready that first time.

I guess what I am trying to say is that even though it is an incredibly hard decision to make, trust yourself to know what the right thing for you to do is. Also give yourself time, you don't need to rush to decide and end up regretting your choice. 💐