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Is this rape?

(18 Posts)
Spiffysn Sun 25-Nov-18 23:07:30

Sorry people, this is a very long post and also a TRIGGER WARNING as I have described in detail what happened. Was this rape?

I have been talking to a guy on and off for about three years, and last week after a few (well.. a lot of) drinks out with some girlfriends he offered to come and pick me up and I went to his house. I was very drunk. He was completely sober.
We’ve been on one date before but nothing happened and we never met up again until this time.
So, back to what happened, I went to his house about 3am and he made me some food. By the time it had cooked and we had eaten it was almost 5am so he asked if I wanted to stay the night and he would drop me back in the morning. I knew this meant he wanted to have sex and I accepted, and we did have consensual enjoyable sex.
This is the part where I need advice, about 15 minutes after that I was falling asleep and I felt him start kissing my neck, I woke up and kissed him back and his hand moved down to my knickers but I moved it away and said i don’t want to. He kept trying to put his hand in my knickers and kept kissing me. I kept my mouth closed and kept turning my head away but he would just keep putting his mouth over mine. I decided I should leave and went to get up but he pulled me back and laid on top of me using his entire body weight to stop me from getting up. I tried to move out from underneath him but he pulled my knickers to the side and forced himself inside me. While he was doing this, I tried to push him away making it clear I did not want it by telling him over and over to stop, but he just kept putting his mouth over mine and biting me. I knew I wouldnt be able to stop him, so I stopped fighting and gave in. I was not enjoying it at all. Then all of a sudden I felt a warmth come over me and I had an orgasm. I don’t know why it happened. I feel disgusting. After I had an orgasm he stopped, moved off of me and laughed at me, he did not ejaculate or attempt to carry on.
Is this still rape if I orgasmed? If he didn’t ejaculate? I had consented to the first time we had sex does this mean he had my consent to do it again? Why did he force himself on me if not for his own sexual benefit?

umizoomi Sun 25-Nov-18 23:10:35

Yes. It is.

thanks for you OP

ItsANewDawn628 Sun 25-Nov-18 23:11:10

You said no, that's enough. Its wasn't consensual, regardless of orgasm or ejaculation. I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like an awful thing to have gone through. I hope you have support IRL to help you through this.

PerspicaciaTick Sun 25-Nov-18 23:16:52

Yes, it is rape. Rape is about power and control rather than sex.
Would talking about your experience anonymously help? You can call the national rape crisis helpline www.rasasc.org.uk/helpline/
flowers

Justaboy Sun 25-Nov-18 23:18:29

Yes that's rape. AIUI this was 15 mins after you did consent and have sex he wanted it again and you didn't?.

pinkunicorn20 Sun 25-Nov-18 23:24:00

Consent once means exactly that, you are consenting at that time it does not equal consent any other time.
Do not feel ashamed, I know it's easy for another person to say, of your physiological response, an orgasm does not mean it was consensual or that you enjoyed it. It is an involuntary reaction.

I'm sorry this happened op do you have support irl you can access?

Novasglow Sun 25-Nov-18 23:24:53

You didn't consent. It's rape. The orgasm doesn't make up for him forcing himself on you. I'm so sorry this happened to you OP thanks

SemperIdem Sun 25-Nov-18 23:27:18

Yes it was rape. The orgasm doesn’t mean it wasn’t. I think, given that most rapes are carried out by someone known to the victim, that having an orgasm during rape is more common than is ever talked about.

Are you ok? Have you told anybody in real life that this happened to you?

Spiffysn Sun 25-Nov-18 23:44:50

Thankyou for your comments
I have not told anyone IRL, I don’t want to be labelled a slut for going to his house even though we weren’t in a relationship. This is the first man I have been intimate with in over a year and it was a one night stand! I’m embarrassed and ashamed of myself for putting myself in that situation

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter Sun 25-Nov-18 23:50:24

Yes this is rape.

This is not your fault. Not now, not ever. You have done nothing wrong. Your consent was not given and he was absolutely wrong in his actions.

pinkunicorn20 Sun 25-Nov-18 23:54:54

You didn't put yourself in the situation op. He made the choice to do this, it is in no way a reflection on you or the type of person you are.

A pp posted a link for rape crisis, you can remain anonymous and seek advice. At the very least it's real life support, I hope you will consider getting in contact.

Justaboy Mon 26-Nov-18 00:01:30

So why should you feel a slut?, you went there of your own free will you consented to sex the once but no more how does that make you a slut?.

SoloD Thu 29-Nov-18 19:12:58

Non consent = rape

Always and every time. There is no excuse, no mitigation. It's your body, if you say no that is absolutley to be respected.

Please don't stress about the physiclogical effects which your body sometimes produces, you had no control over this, it does not change anything from a moral or criminal prospective. I hope you find the strength to talk to the police, but as others have posted it would be helpful to you to talk to some proffessionals.

All the very best, and just remeber that sometime bad things do happen to good people. You don't stop being a good person when it does.

5thSparrow Thu 29-Nov-18 19:27:42

What a terrible thing to happen to you. I am so sorry you had to experience that. I would report that if you can, he will do it again to someone else. It's not your fault how your body reacted. It's the reason so many people get away with abuse - the victim feels guilty for the response their body had. Please report this.

delilabell Thu 29-Nov-18 19:36:58

I'm so sorry op.
It is rape. I remember reading once that it's because your body is in a high state of arouse due to fear that it can orgasm during rape.
You said no and he continued. That is rape.
Also, it wouldn't matter if you had never met the man before and had a one night stand.you are not and never will be a slut.

Racecardriver Thu 29-Nov-18 19:44:13

Yes. 1. There was penile penetration. 2. You did not consent. 3. He had no reasonable grounds to believe that you consented. There is no ambiguity here. Open and shut rape offence. You know what he did and you know you couldn’t have given him any impression other than that you didn’t want it. This wasn’t your fault. Please go to your GP or rape crisis for medical attention and support flowers

Justaboy Sun 02-Dec-18 23:46:31

Just asking - how though would this be proscuted as surely its just one persons word against another?.

natalia402 Tue 12-Mar-19 22:39:44

Yes it's rape. I'm sorry this has happened to you. no means no. Even if it starts consensual, you can always say no/stop. If it continues its rape.

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