Colleague attitude problems

(10 Posts)
Whyisit Wed 16-May-18 00:44:06

I work with a colleague who is senior to me but not my line manager. When I began my job my direct manager (let’s call them B) and this colleague (let’s call them P) hated each other. P was quite ineffective at the job, fragile, irrational and agitated and it was allegedly all down to abullying from B. There were a lot of complaints about P though, and loads of people left and those who stayed still dislike P a lot.

B eventually left under a cloud of shame and P seemed to pull themselves together under our new manager. It was a positive new start and I was happy to support P. Unfortunately due to P’s inability to actually get their shit together I have been carrying P to ensure things run smoothly. I’ve been a huge asset and saved P’s ass multiple times. I do not expect a thank you but I would like respect.

Roll on a year or so and P has gone straight back to the exact same unbearable behaviours and this time it cannot be B as the excuse. This time they are taking out all of their rage and frustrations on me. I have told my current manager about some of the behaviour (but not full disclosure) because it was concerning me for the impact it has on everyone else too. This has made P much much worse, P is now paranoid about trust and betrayal. P now is trying to cut me out of all sorts of things and giving me orders, being rude, putting me down and menial jobs and generally being a huge dick. I have been nothing but supportive but I also cannot stand back and watch P do these things because non of them are in our company or colleague best interests let alone mine.

P turns every discussion or meeting back to how hard things are for P, how badly they are treated and how unfair everything is.

I want to be truly honest about P with someone but I worry it will ruin my chances of promotion and if nothing is done, I still have to work with P. My manager actually gives me directions to effectively monitor and remind P to do things. I want to stop carrying P’s whingy backside and let them fail - but this is unfair on everyone who it will affect in turn.

Short edit: everyone hates P, they are terrible at their job, horrible to everyone, self obsessed but nothing seems to get done about it because P claims bullying. P has some kind of mental health issues IMO

Do I just learn how to manage P? I try not to let them get to me too much. I don’t want to have to leave my job either I am good at it and love it!

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OccamsRaiser Wed 16-May-18 01:38:14

Hold on, P is "senior to [you]"? Why are you responsible to "effectively monitor and remind P to do things"? P's manager should be doing this, so it's time for them to step up and manage the situation.

If you and P are managed by the same person, I'd be frank with your manager that you have some concerns about team dynamics and deliverables and then ask them to deal with it.

Then I'd step back from the situation. You don't have to 'manage' P. Let their line manager do that. Complete your tasks, where things are not delivered from P, call it out and make sure that you receive the inputs that you need (either from P or whoever else your/P's manager assigns it to)

Whyisit Wed 16-May-18 07:22:07

Effectively I am ensuring P delivers, but it is like babysitting. P will often refuse to complete tasks and myself and others end up doing them instead, or they leave everything until the last minute and then are very rude and abrasive to me demanding I help them get things done. I hate this way of working it’s so stressful and unnecessary

My manager knows P is ineffective but I think because P is manipulative and fragile everyone tip toes around

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Whyisit Wed 16-May-18 07:30:20

My manager isn’t physically around enough to monitor P, so has delegated it to me confused

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Damia Wed 16-May-18 12:21:11

Report his behaviour to HR. Log all incidents he behaves badly to you. Whinge and complain to HR about him as much as you can and encourage everyone else to as well. Refuse to babysit him and only do your job. Go off with stress if it's really bad and be clear who is causing it.

PetulantPolecat Wed 16-May-18 12:29:32

Your new boss doesn’t want P to raise a bullying grievance so has delegated it to you.

I’d ammend my job description to incorporate all the management duties of P and send it to your boss to review / discussion.
Hopefully your boss will be mortified by realising just how much management he’s delegated to you and start managing.

Or he will agree these should be your duties and your next step will be to ask for a compensation reflective of your actual duties.

PetulantPolecat Wed 16-May-18 12:35:15

HR isn’t a headteacher to “report” to. All they will do is point you to the company’s grievance policy.

Whyisit Wed 16-May-18 14:23:54

Yes our HR are not involved with departmental issues unless you raise a grievance, complaining to them would be bypassing my manager and make things a lot worse. I think they would handle it insensitively too. Not just for myself but everyone else who has to work here, we would pay the price of P’s wrath.

I’ve been over this with my manager before. My manager intervenes, soothes tension but lays firm boundaries and expectations with P around behaviour and our roles. The moment managers back is turned P goes off own his own tangent doing whatever the fuck he feels like and this . Then I’m back to square one essentially telling tales on P to our boss. P cannot be trusted and has no intention of taking any guidance. Manager is in a right predicament with P’s fragile mental state (which I think is all manipulation and games) but so am I - because I see it, and I am always torn over whether to tell tales or just let P dig his own hole.

I’ve backed off supporting P now and turning down demands although now P is being ridiculously lovely to me, all grateful and needy.

I’m just never sure of the fine line of just being negative about P on a personal level (I disapprove of how they treat people) and just being a whinger myself. I suppose we all have to work with difficult people, I’m just not sure how to manage it. I’m always far too nice and have become a doormat. Which I think P sees as 2 faced

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HundredMilesAnHour Wed 16-May-18 19:35:22

It's very simple. You have to let P fail. Stop bailing P out and let P fail.Concentrate on your job rather than saving them for the 'greater good'. Yes, it will mean some pain for you and other staff as P fails but in cases like this, the only way the company will do something about it is when P fails and it hurts them.

It's tough to do but I think you've exhausted all other options. You need to think more long term. Some short term pain now (P failing for long term gain (P getting the mental health help they need / moving roles /being fired etc)

I understand your pain. We have a couple of P equivalents and after frequently saving them (to prevent it impacting our work), my boss and I have agreed together that we will stand by and let them fail as only then will senior management consider doing something.

Whyisit Wed 16-May-18 21:35:31

Thanks, I think this is what I needed to hear. Yesterday P was passing off info that I gave as his own. Until I gave it P had no clue. I divulged it thinking it would spur P on to take some action but all P did with it was delegate it out to everyone else sounding like they came up with it all and all super knowledgeable. It is infuriating.

2 people today came to complain to me about P. I just tell them not to react badly to P and talk to my manager. These are the things I usually ‘tattle’ on about P to my boss - that other people are repressed and unhappy. P can’t handle meetings at all and they are full of conflict. It is not reasonable that my manager supervises all the meetings!

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