Don't think I can take much more of this

[NameChangedForSafety]

Not sure what I;m looking for with this thread. Maybe just to clarify my own thoughts or possibly to get some advice and support or a reality check before I make an irreversible decision that I may live to regret.

It's 5 in the morning and I can't sleep despite being absolutely shattered because I'm stressed out my head. My manager is a vindictive, passive-aggressive bully who persecutes anyone who dares challenge or question his decisions or say anything he decides to take exception with. It appears to be my turn again to be on the receiving end and I've seen it enough to know the early warning signs. I know I'm in for several weeks of pain and torment until he decides to focus on someone else, at least that's how it usually pans out.

The problem is he's very good at it - maximum pain with minimal evidence or provable specifics that might be referred to if a complaint were made.You can't argue with him (and I mean in terms of defending your position rather than "arguing") because he's an expert at twisting your words into something else entirely that he can use against you. I'm reluctant to give details as they could be very identifying and whilst the chances of him reading this forum are low I'd be taking a massive risk.

So here's my problem. I've had enough. I'm feeling physically ill with stress and worry. I can't quit because there are no other jobs in my field within 200 miles of where I live and frankly I don't see why I should just give up a well-paid job with a company that I otherwise love and have worked for for close to 20 years. However, if I raise a complaint there is no going back and whilst my employer says all the right things about respecting employees, zero tolerance for bullying, harassment etc I've never had to put them to the test. If I fight and lose he will find a way to destroy me.

In my favour, I have an exemplary record - my annual performance reviews are always scored highly, I haven't had a day off sick in 10 years, I get excellent feedback from my customers and I've recently been promoted on merit. Against me is the fact that it is so hard to prove my case because of the way he operates when in vindictive mode - very subtle, nothing that could be used against him in writing and nothing but sweetness and light in front of witnesses.

I can't go on like this so I have to do something but if I do complain it could be the biggest mistake of my life. I also need to decide if I should put out feelers to see if I'm likely to get any corroboration and support from my colleagues. They've all been on the receiving end but that doesn't mean they will want to put themselves in the firing line when push comes to shove.

Is it worth the risk? Can I achieve anything with so little concrete and provable to go on or will HR and senior management understand how passive-aggressive bullies operate and know how to uncover the truth? I'm prepared to fight but not if it's a fight I stand no chance of winning. For info, I work for a very large, multi-national blue-chip so they do have dedicated HR and legal teams. I'm professional/management grade so not in a union.

[daisychain01]

Can you give any insight into why he is picking on you? Was it something specific you said or did that made him turn on you at this time?

I can think of several people in my past who have behaved like this. In each case, they were deeply unpleasant individuals who did a good job of making me feel 1inch tall. It was deliberate, they enjoyed doing it, but it didn't last forever. Either someone stepped in and helped me defend my position so they backed off, or they eventually moved to a different role or left the company.

Do you think they are trying to get rid of you? As you have an exemplary 10 year record of employment, stand firm. If this person wants to make trouble, they would need to give specific reasons why and go through a long process where HR are involved as you have full employment rights.

Can you start documenting a daily/weekly chronology of every situation that is causing you problems, including context and how you responded. If you feel there's a storm brewing be prepared and that in itself gives you back some mental control.

When the person is trying to bully or humiliate you, be non-confrontation but be prepared to state your position. Bullies don't like it when they are faced with someone who is able to stand their ground, with facts and data. If he is trying to cause trouble, remind him (subliminally) that you mean business and his behaviour does not make you weak. I did this once and the person ended up resigning.

[daisychain01]

non-confrontational

[daisychain01]

This type of person tends to have low self-esteem or feel defensive about their position and standing in the organisation, so take it out on subordinates who they know can't answer back.

[AlternativeTentacle]

what has happened when other people have been in this situation?

[Autocorrectible]

Working for a large corporate can work in your favour. Do they have a whistleblowing line you could speak to confidentially for advice? Or speak to HR confidentially?

You mention you aren’t in a union. Can you join one? I also work for a large corporate at management grade, and the union membership is open to all.

[BillyDaveysDaughter]

Good Lord you have articulated EXACTLY what it was like to work for my old boss. When it was good it was fab - I absolutely loved that job, I felt like I'd arrived iyswim - but when it was your turn for the ritual kicking, shit it was miserable.

I recall reading articles on corporate bullying, and a book on handling "toxic management", and crying my way through them, the scenarios were so familiar and so painful - yet it was hopeless, he was never going to change. Even HIS manager was like it.

It's because they are deeply, deeply insecure. Keeping you down is a way of maintaining their position without anyone finding out how frightened they are.

After a few years of sobbing all the way home I had taken on an important, additional new role in one of the group's other companies, which I had been lead to believe would elevate me to the next level of management. This person had encouraged me to take it by promising to mentor and support me, as I lacked experience - but he didn't, he stepped back and watched me flounder, refusing to help and ridiculing and humiliating me whenever I asked him to.

My confidence crashed and I could barely function, juggling both jobs with no support. I couldn't give up the new role, because I never would have heard the last of it (my life wouldn't have been worth living - it was bad enough when I failed an exam by one mark, God I suffered for that). So I had no choice but to leave.

He treated me like dirt from the moment I handed in my notice, but I expected that and at least I knew the end was imminent! There was a couple of horrible things he did in that time which I won't specify as it would be outing - anyone who works there now would recognise the utter bastard - and when I left on my last day I SOBBED like it was the end of a relationship. Proper crying with snot and everything, so bizarre. I'd invested so much of myself and it was all worthless.

Over a year later he contacted me and invited me to come back in a newly created role. I expressed an interest (OMG it was perfect, I would have loved it and I still pine for what might have been), but carefully asked if the role reported to him.

He said it would - and I politely told him to go fuck himself.

Just leave. There are techniques for managing this kind of bully, and they work to a point, but the fuckers crush you in the end. Speak to HR confidentially, you might be surprised at how supportive they can be - but for your own mental health, cut your losses and move.

I'm sorry you are also going through it.

[daisychain01]

yet it was hopeless, he was never going to change. Even HIS manager was like it

Behaviour is often lead by example, if the manager is like that, very often it's being set by their manager, who endorses it as the way it has to be.