Worries about DM finances and living situation taking over my life

[springflowers2021]

Hi all, I think this is probably not the right place for this as my DM isn't really elderly but wasn't sure.

My DM is late sixties, I'm mid 30s. She still works full time in retail. She became a single parent when I was young and has had partners since but never married or moved in with anyone. She's been living with a partner for the last couple of years at his house, first time ever. But his house is very much his, hers is hers etc. They get on fine but she says they're more like friends and he can be quite horrible, and if I am truly honest I think she's only with him so she's not alone. She doesn't have much money at all while my Dad went off and remarried and lives in a nice house in the country.

My DH and I currently live in her house and rent it/pay the bills while we are saving for a mortgage. It's a semi on an ex council estate and is the house that I grew up in. She owns it outright and was only able to pay off the mortgage with a small inheritance otherwise she would still be paying the mortgage now. We live in an expensive town and houses on our estate are worth the lowest in the area by far so she would never be able to sell and buy anything else unless she moved away or into a flat which isn't an option.

I spend my life worrying about her. Worrying about her not having any money, worrying about her living in a house in a visibly deteriorating area, worrying about the fear of her having awful neighbours move into the empty house next door when that eventually gets sold, worrying about antisocial behaviour increasing as all the nice people in the area have enough and sell up, worrying about her having to still work until she is much older. She is the only one her siblings in her situation, who all live comfortable lives, and that makes me feel worse.

I have developed an obsession with cleaning up the area where we live. I'm constantly contacting the council to report dumped rubbish or reporting things to the police. Constantly writing notes and sticking them on flytipping. It's like I feel I have a duty to make the area better for her. Don't get me wrong, these are things I would do anyway because I am sick and tired of people treating everywhere like a dumping ground these days, but it gets to the point I end up breaking down in tears with frustration. My DH is supportive but it gets to breaking point because he doesn't understand where I'm coming from - and nor do I really - but I just feel like I have this duty of care to my DM to not let her have to live the rest of her life in a horrible area surrounded by horrible people.

My DH gets frustrated and tells me I am being overdramatic, that she is fortunate to own a house outright especially as his DM is in council housing. I KNOW he is right but I just feel so gutted for her to be stuck here.

My DH always says it's just me that is worrying and that she doesn't care about any of the things I do so I'm only tormenting myself, which I know is mostly true - for example, I got home yesterday and the teenager next door was blaring music. It sent me spiralling, but I know my DM would just put her music on to cover it.

But recently she has made a few comments and mentioned our area and how she doesn't like it anymore. She mentioned a house she'd seen near where she is currently living a few times and eventually said she wondered how much it was. I found it on Rightmove and told her it was more than double what our house is worth and she just said 'oh okay, nevermind then' which broke my heart. I said 'do you want to move then?' and she said 'well I have been thinking about it recently, maybe I could downsize'. But I don't think she realises how little her house is worth and how restricted she is.

Sorry I am babbling - but I just wondered if anyone else feels like this? And feels like they have the worries of their parents on their shoulders? I just can't shake it and it's beginning to take over my life. I do think she is worried and feels trapped but doesn't tell me because she knows how much I worry which makes me feel worse.

We are saving for a deposit and want to move abroad for a couple of years before we come back and buy, but I know that us living here and paying the bills is helping her out hugely and she's the most comfortable she's ever been right now, so I'm even feeling guilty about when we eventually move out.

Thank you for reading if you got this far! I just never expected to feel such levels of worry for my lovely Mum, it's like the roles have reversed!

[springflowers2021]

I've just read a couple of other posts and realised this probably isn't the right forum for this, I feel a bit silly now, sorry x

[RandomMess]

Your Mum will have options.

She can sell it and downsize or move away.

Who knows where you end up living in the UK, she may want to live near you?

She could sell up and rent living off the capital.

Your obsessing isn't going to change things (which you know) can you look and doing CBT to deal with this anxiety?

[PoutineQueen]

Why is a little flat not an option?

[MichelleScarn]

A little flat does sound like a good option. How old were you when your parents divorced? Did you take on a almost caring role for her then?

[MereDintofPandiculation]

@springflowers2021

I've just read a couple of other posts and realised this probably isn't the right forum for this, I feel a bit silly now, sorry x

No, this is definitely the right forum. I can't help you, but you're in the right place.

[Mosaic123]

If she could afford to buy a ground floor maisonette with a garden (after selling the house), it would mean she would have something suitable to live in if she and partner ever split up. In the meantime she could rent it out. Small but in a convenient location would be fine surely! No steps and close to transport links and shops.

[SausageDogSandwich]

She is old enough to consider sheltered housing. Could either buy or rent. It would be a safe environment and very little in the way of blaring music and yoofs hanging around on the corner. Look at Hanover, Anchor and Housing 21 who specialise in older people.

At the same time, you do need to look at how you are dealing with this. At 60 your mother is still young. She has made her own choices and will continue to do so. It is not your responsibility to make her happy or continually worry about where she is living. Elderly parents can become very hard work as they age. Don't make a rod for your own back prematurely.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

At 60 your mother is still young. She's "late 60s" not 60. But the rest of the arguments still apply

[Bagelsandbrie]

You are massively overthinking this.

She is 60 and apparently in good health if she is still working full time in retail. She owns a house outright. Those two things alone make her a LOT better off than many, many people. She can buy a little flat somewhere and manage, she could even go into sheltered accommodation if she wished to.

You need to separate yourself from your Mum a bit. Her happiness is not your responsibility.

[CovoidOfAllHumanity]

Often older peoples housing is open to people over 60 or even over 55. There are schemes where only over 50s can buy and they are much cheaper than mainstream housing.

Or she could apply for older peoples council housing and sell her place. There is much less of a waiting list for older peoples social housing (for obvious reasons) and she could still do get a place even with her own house in many areas. There are also older peoples specific housing associations which often have lovely properties and quite relaxed criteria as long as she is willing and able to pay the rent (presumably what you pay her would cover it)
Why not check out what is available? You might be surprised what options she has.

On the other hand she doesn't seem desperate to move away. Maybe you need to accept that her values are different to yours.

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

You need to get some help with your anxiety.

Your Mum is in a very fortunate position really. She can choose to stay in the house she has always lived in, which she owns outright and was able to buy at a substantial discount, or she can down size as is probably sensible for someone of her age. It's not your fault that she can't afford the lovely Right Move property - in that regard she is probably in the same position as 99% of us adults in this country (being unable to afford our ideal house).

You seem to have got yourself immensely worked up about this. I bet your dh and Mum are actually worried about YOU.

[moochingtothepub]

I can tell how much love for her you have but you are not responsible for her life choices. Yes she's not in the position of her siblings or exh but she owns a small house outright, more than many.

I echo what others say, a flat in a nicer location or retirement development could be just the thing (be wary about charges and covenants in retirement housing) in the right location.