Conflicting interests in my Grandma.

[singlesoda]

Gosh i'm not sure where to start but I feel like I have to start somewhere:

My Grandad recently died who had a whole host of illnesses/disabilities leaving my broken-hearted Grandma behind - due to my grandad's condition social services provided him carers for the majority of the day. It's fell to us grandkids as all of my grandparents kids have died over the last decade.

My grandma has asked me to move in with her full-time as while she was more mobile than my grandpa she's also 91 and needs support. Its not been much of a change as I already spent a few nights a week here a week, did all of their shopping over the last few years, errands and generally been on hand (I work from home 85% of the time). I know their schedules in-side and out, and I know what my grandma is capable of, and willing to support (cleaning her when she's had an accident seems second nature etc). Grandma seems to be coping well and while she's still broken hearted, she's happy when cousins aren't meddling.

Now the issue is, my cousins relationship with my grandparents has very much been show up at christmas and anything else is a bonus since we've been teens. One cousin (C1) I haven't seen in the house for maybe 4/5 years? My grandparents loved him and proud of his busy career (only lives 5 minute drive for context). The other cousin (C2) has been coming to visit more regularly these last couple of months as she's realised DG has been in decline. C3 & C4 have remained their normal pop in at Christmas and maybe a couple of times during the year.

C1 has now realised Grandma has declined with old age - she's doing great for her age and still there mentally and physically with her walking aid. But my grandparents routine has changed since we were kids, in their old age they did everything together, watched tv late together and slept in in the morning instead of the morning people they were. C1 is now panicking about Grandma and either thinking she should be in a home or have live-in carers - something grandma DOES NOT want. Grandma will still have the community carers who pop in a few times a day and arranged with social services to see what other support we can have (Grandma is happy with this). C1 doesn't want me living with her as she thinks either she needs someone professional as her sleeping in in the morning and not eating her three meals a day obviously means i'm neglecting her. Grandma to begin with was very excited to see C1 coming over more, but has realised that C1 is trying to take over which is making Grandma stressed (she's having nightmares that cousins are going to put her in a home or me leaving). She's ready to cut all contact with C1, and maybe C2 as C2 has sided with C1. To make things worse, Grandpa asked C1 to take care of the financial matters when he was last in hospital (nothing in writing but no reason to doubt) and Grandma doesn't agree and wants me to deal with everything. When C1 & C2 is over she somewhat shuts down, and says things to make them happy to keep the peace but yet doesn't want them over - keeps making excuses for them to stay away but that makes them come over more. She keeps on saying that she's going to tell them to stay away and yet doesn't have the heart to tell them - she wants their old relationship back. She also doesn't want to hurt their feeling but doesn't trust them. It's really stressing her out, i've mentioned it to C1 & C2 but they say they've got her best interests and how do they know i'm not manipulating the situation - they don't really know what i've done these past few years as they've never been around but known i've always been on the scene.

I'm worried about Grandma - she's really not dealing with this stress. I'm actively not talking about it to her as i'm paranoid i'm going to be seen as manipulating her or because I don't want her to stress. I'm struggling with the stress too as i'm petrified that something is going to happen to Grandma and i'm going to be blamed. I'm wandering around the house making sure it's spotless or making sure i'm cooking all day to show she's got food if she wants to eat.

[NotVeryMatureForAnOldLady]

Well, at least C3 and C4 are not being massive hypocrites.
You need to get Power Of Attorney while she is compos mentis.
I assume C1 and C2 are siblings. I'd accuse C1 of being concerned only with future inheritance except that she has mentioned a care home and all assets would cover such fees.
I sometimes sleep in and don't always have 3 meals a day so I don't view that as negligence but can see you are in a vulnerable position.
Gran at 91 might have 9 years left or 9 months.
What does her will say? Have you moved directly into her house? Do you have your own property or family?
How long have you been her carer - do you get Carer's allowance? Who is in direct charge of her accounts?
Have C3 and C4 been consulted at all?

[NotVeryMatureForAnOldLady]

Sorry, I see that C1 is male.
Either way it will go like this:

1. You do all the care while vulture cousins circle or ingratiate

start a rota between the five of you - get them to step up and actually do practicalities

1. Grandma goes into a home paid for by sale of her house or assisted living complex

noone can accuse you of taking advantage of a vulnerable lady - all accounting should be transparent. All inheritance eaten up

1. Will is split between 5 of you.

noone accuses you of being favoured but if you are living in her house this makes you homeless

1. Will favours you as you were main primary care giver and have saved thousands in care costs

you will be accused of manipulating your Gran. Them having ignored her care needs for years won't be taken into. Without signed and witnessed will and power of attorney and separate executor, it will get ugly

1. You seek power of attorney but Gran not backing you up in person

cousins will accuse you of trying to scam her

Five of you need to sit down properly together with her, assess her wants and needs and wishes and how realistic they are, do a proper assessment of what costs of that is, sort out a care rota and have all this crap discussed with someone non-family mediating.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

Oh God, I could have written that letter. It was my aunt who was very spry until age 95 when she broke her ankle. Suddenly cousins who were only seen twice a year were swarming out of the woodwork. Like your grandmother, she was happy to see them at first, until she realized they were just wanting a share of her carefully saved estate.
She named me as financial power of attorney and one of the cousins got medical power of attorney. After two years, we ended up in court. They wanted to be appointed guardians. They accused us of Wasting Her Money -- by taking her to get her hair done, and buying a KFC takeaway for her every Friday. Also we bought her groceries from a store that was "too expensive" and we got her "fancy brands" of ice cream and coffee. (We got what she asked us to get and had a receipt for every penny we spent.)
They got complete control of her and she was died in a nursing home three months later. Imagine their shock and disappointment when they found out she had a legal will which left two-thirds of her estate to me and 1/3 to only one cousin. She had also prepaid her funeral so they couldnt just dump her in a hole to save money!!!
Advice: Get legal help now or the vultures will pick her to bits.

[Weenurse]

Vultures, get legal advice so Grandma can live as she wants, while she is able.

[singlesoda]

Thank you all, last night I wasn't expecting any replies as it was so late.

@NotVeryMatureForAnOldLady - my grandma mentioned to a family friend that she wants to tell them that she's leaving it all to me 'so they can put that in their pipe and smoke it' - that will make me absolutely hated and dirt. C4 has said to me that she believes that I should get it all and known for years that it was all going to me. I don't feel like I do deserve it all (GP have been mortgage free for years but not got much else) but right now that's not the issue as I just want them to leave us in peace. Neither of my grandparents wanted to go into a home and said the only time they'll be leaving this house is in a box which with me here they'll be no need for a care home (unless her health really deteriorates).

@GeorgiaGirl52 oh my! I've also been moaned at for getting her fish and chips. For years when it's been good weather she's enjoyed having a look around a super store and got little gifts or picking out her meat at the butchers and apparently now that's unnecessary as we should order online (shame you can't ask the butcher about his wife online).

My grandma has really become stressed this week and I just want to lock the door and tell everyone to fuck off. I don't think C1 is doing it for money, maybe guilt, maybe for power, maybe he thinks it's his duty. C2 definitely wants money. Either way I'm hoping they'll get bored and go back to their 'busy' lives.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Legal advice, yes.

PoA both Financial and Health and Welfare for you might ease your grandma's anxieties - it there's a legal document saying you are the decision maker not C1 and C2, she might feel less threatened.

Get SS and the OT or GP on your side. SS don't want to move people into care, so will support her staying in her own home. OT will probably agree it's good for her to go out with you to do shopping and to make her own choices.

What do C3 and C4 think?

C2 won't get much money if your grandma goes into a home. It'll eat up the best part of £1000 a week, £52,000 a year. At 91 and still fit and in good health she could easily live to 100 and beyond.