Don't know what to do/just need to write it off my chest

[OldSpeclkledHen]

DM lives alone (40 miles away)

She's currently undergoing lots of hospital tests (she's under 4 separate consultants)

My DB lives in another country, all my DM family also live over an hour away from her (and most of them not interested) so basically I'm her main carer.

I've used - God this sounds so selfish- a lot of my holiday this year taking her to hospital appointments, to the point where I've said I can only take her now when she has to see a consultant (tests she can take herself for)

My work have been very good, although I hate taking random days off here and there... and I now have limited holiday remaining (to the point I've worked overtime so that I can use the time to take DM to appointments)

She's now been referred for a colonoscopy and camera down her throat (can't remember the technical term) and these are tests that really she can't go on her own...

She told me last night the stomach camera test is next Tuesday... I am unable to make up extra time at work as I have other pre-planned commitments the next two weekends... then I have a week off early October (I'm supposed to be going away 🙄)

I don't know why I'm posting... I'm tired and emotional today.... but I need to speak to my boss about next Tuesday (and also the upcoming colonoscopy- for which there is no date yet... probably will be when I supposed to be away!) I just want a day to myself 😳

[Bowerbird5]

Hi,
How old is she?

Could a friend go with her to some? I've had some of these tests but had to go on my own. Son1 had to pick me up for one due to the medication and then had to come back because I had to have oxygen due to a reaction. He wasn't too pleased because it made him late for work. The staff told him I had gone but the nurse hadn't checked and they had turned off the lights and left me in cubicle on oxygen!
If the stomach camera test is actually bowel she does need someone there and for a little while after at home preferably the evening.
I can understand you finding it difficult. Does she realise you are using up your holiday or is she elderly and quite frightened at the outcome.

Sorry you are having difficulty I think you should ring your brother and explain.

[mehimthem]

hugs to you speckled hen, it is a challenging spot to be in caring for older family with not much support yourself. I dont live in UK so this info is regards to my home country, but does yours or your Mums home area have volunteers that could collect her & deliver her to/take her home from appts? Is it possible for you to (slowly ) introduce changes where you are not the only one responsible - such as frozen meals - not quite meals on wheels format - but similar. Also other voluntary groups may have people that will pop in & visit other lonely or unwell people. This might widen her social circle too to take the pressure off you. In regards to your job, the best I could suggest is to talk to your manager & explain if you think it will be a short-term issue resolved with her health carers, or whether your hours need to be changed. If they are more aware, hopefully they too will be more understanding. Carers' leave too encompasses more than young children, so all of us with unwell elderly parents can empathise. oops have made an assumption your DM is older, apologies if not

[thesandwich]

Speckled, this sounds really hard on you. Could you contact age uk or local social services for reccomendations of agencies who could accompany your dm?
Sounds like the best use of your time is setting up support for her.
Join us on the long running elderlies thread- lots of advice and support. Good luck.
You deserve your life and days off.

[OldSpeclkledHen]

Thank You everyone, she's 73 - not in the best of health (obviously!) and not very mobile.

I know I'll say to her I'm struggling to get the time off, so she'll say "don't worry I'll take myself" and then I'd feel guilty 🙄

I'd rather someone I know was with her so they can relay any communication (as trying to get her to remember and explain it will just drive me completely insane)

I've just seen unloaded onto a work colleague and she said to call my uncle (her brother, the only one whom has really helped since my Dad passed away, but he's 2 hours away and I feel he has done more than enough) but I'm really struggling ... 😳😳

I've googled the test now, it's called an endoscopy 🙄 just reading on nhs website someone needs to stay with the person for 24hours post exam? I might call the hospital directly for some advice.

I've contacted her local vicar with a view to getting more support locally, but she's not responding to his calls either! Gargh!!

Sorry if this all jumbled too, am typing on my phone 😳

Thank You for your support and advice ... it's very much appreciated xx

[OldSpeclkledHen]

@thesandwich Thank You! I have lurked in there before... just a bit of denial maybe thinking I can cope with this 😳🙄 sigh

[thesandwich]

Many of us on this board refer to fear obligation and guilt.... have a look at the excellent website.
You cannot do this alone- this is a marathon,not a sprint and getting Iill yourself/ losing your job will not help anyone.
As colleagues have said, Marshall your allies......... and get your dm to write a letter to the gp/ hospital giving them permission to discuss things with you. Do you have poa? If not, get it in place ASAP. 🌺

[Lellochip]

The 24 hours is probably for if she has any sedation (I once turned up for a similar test without being told this - they just asked who'd be staying with me as I was walking in )

[HoleyCoMoley]

You can contact the hospital, or she can, and say there is no one to look after her afterwards, they may well arrange for her to stay in overnight. You could try the local Red Cross, WRVS or hospital league of friends to see if they can take her in the future, they also run companionship programmes for people who live alone.

[Bowerbird5]

Have a look in her area and see if there are any nurses doing home are. My friend left nursing and has her own business caring for people. She will take people to hospital appointments and has once stayed overnight to support an elderly lady.

Your mum is quite a bit older than me. It is the same test as I had. The hospital wouldn't give me the anaesthetic because I had taken a cancellation app. I had been for the throat one on Friday and they then offered me the cancellation app. My GP was annoyed with them for not giving me the anaesthetic he said it was ridiculous. It was painful. I had gas and air. Please make sure she has the anaesthetic and that is why she needs someone to stay. It is a bit like Valium and she may fall.
Could you ring HR and see if there is any rules regarding time off. We have staff supporting children with leukaemia and serious hearing impairment who have been given time off. I can't see why the other end of the scale isn't as important.