Mum had a major stroke last week

[Toohottoostressed]

Hi, I am not sure if I am posting this in the right place but I am looking for some advice and general hand holding as I just can’t think straight.
My mum (70) who lives alone and not close by had a sudden major stroke last week. The circumstances of how we found her were horrific ( won’t go into this now) but thankfully she is now in hospital being well looked after. Unfortunately she was not found in time to be given the drugs which stop the stroke progressing so she is in a very bad way.
I have one sister and we both went up immediately to see her for a few days and have now got a roto in place with ourselves and some of mums friends so that’s she gets visitors each day. Obviously we both work and have children to look after, we also have our family holidays coming up.
I just don’t know what to do,the doctors ( obviously) cannot give us a time scale or predict how well she will recover . I guess she’ll be in hospital for a while. I don’t know whether I should go away ( 2 weeks abroad) or stay home, if I go to mum’s I am just hanging around waiting for the visiting hours but I would feel so guilty and worriedleaving her . I am not really sure what I am asking but if anyone has experienced this I could do with some advice and hand holding, I am struggling to think straight right now. Thanks

[feral]

I'd still go away - is your sister away at the same time?

[feral]

And sorry to hear this

[UniversalTruth]

I'm sorry your mum's not well

I think only you can decide if you want to go away - if you didn't go could you get your money back, could you afford to go at a different time? If your mum took a turn for the worse and you weren't there but your sister was, would that upset you? Can your mum talk via Skype so you can still see her when you're away? What would your mum have wanted you to do?

It's a tricky decision at a difficult time, but maybe you need a break too so that you're stronger for your mum?

[Toohottoostressed]

Unfortunately our holidays overlap by a week.

[Toohottoostressed]

I am not concerned about losing the money , we wouldn’t be able to go at another time though. Mum wants us to go and I know she’d be upset if she knew we had cancelled but obviously I also know she likes us being there. At the moment though she is mostly sleeping. Her friends are telling us to go and they will visit frequently. Selfishly, I feel I need a break but perhaps 2 weeks is too long.

[Melfish]

Toohottoostressed my mother had a severe stroke shortly after my father had died. Like your mum she was too late for that drug. I am sorry you are having to deal with this situation.
DM was in hospital for about 5 months until she was discharged to a nursing home. I found the time when my mother was in hospital was the time when I was least needed, particularly at the beginning. If her friends are happy to visit during the week that you and your sister are both away then I would go on holiday. Just make sure you let the staff know and make sure they have your correct contact details if they need to contact you. I went away when my mum was in hospital

[Melfish]

Sorry, posted too soon (horrid ipad froze). I would go away, but perhaps think about your plans if you need to return earlier such as having enough money to pay for a flight/ train home. You need a break too, and to recharge your batteries. I remember at the time it was like I was living on fumes. A trip away made such a difference.

[feral]

I think that actually now is the time to go as she is safe at the hospital and you are needed less. When she comes out she will need you more.

[Toohottoostressed]

Thank you all for your replies. We don’t go for another week and I am returning to visit her tomorrow so I can see how she is before making a final decision. You are right though, it will prob be easier to go away now when she is being looked after in hospital. After that we will have some serious decisions to make re where she ends up. Thanks again, having been awake most of the night t
uring things over in my head, I feel a bit better now .

[thesandwich]

Another one saying go..... she is in the best place to meet her needs for now and if she has got visitors lined up... this will be a long game and you need to recharge.

[Toohottoostressed]

Melfish. That must have been such a difficult time for you , losing your Dad then having your Mum so ill so soon afterwards. I too have lost my dad but a while ago , it is so difficult when they are on their own . for you x x x and thanks for taking the time to reply .

[Tweakanddashi]

If you go away then it might be worth setting up a password system with the hospital so that they can give you confidential information over the phone.
Also you could make sure that the medical staff know you will be going away so if they need to have any big conversation with you they can get it booked in before you go.

Are you going somewhere with lots of flights back?

[Melfish]

toohottoostressed- thank you. I won’t deny, it was a crap time in my life. My few days in Venice made a real difference. DM had been there a few years before and even in her stroke addled brain she remembered bits of her holiday and liked hearing about mine. I brought back a couple of things for her- something that was nicely scented as she couldn’t see well but could still smell things and I think a shell as she could hear the sea and feel the shape.

[user1485583137]

How is she now?

[Toohottoostressed]

Thank you for asking .She is making small improvements daily. A very long way to go still and still an uncertainty over how much independence she will regain. We are just trying to take everything one day at a time.

[Lepetitpiggy]

I know this is an old thread but I don't really want to start my own - I feel too fragile to. My mum had a major stroke this week and wasn't found for about 16 hours. She was initially given a very bleak prognosis but has daily (this is the third day) astounded the hospital team. I am still worried to death that she will get pneumonia (this was mentioned on day 1) she's talking (best she can) and seems really together in many ways apart from physically of course - her left side is completely dead. I am so worried. She's almost 90 so I just don't know what may happen. Can anyone reassure me?

[thesandwich]

Sorry to hear that petit- it is impossible to know how much she can recover but sounds like she is a fighter which makes a big difference.
It is early days. Do come over to the ongoing elderlies board where there are list of wise ones. Look after yourself- this is a marathon. 🌺

[Annandale]

Lepetit how is she doing with physio? Is she swallowing yet or being tube fed (or a bit of both?)

[Lepetitpiggy]

Thank you both - I will come to the elder board! She has managed to swallow tiny piece of ice but is tube fed only . She's talking a lot too! And making a fair bit of (slurred) sense; but mainly sleeping. It's just so difficult to see her like this and I don't seem to be getting much out of the medical team - I guess that's a good thing - they've just said 'no change' which I suppose is good really. I'll find the other board

[NewspaperTaxis]

Going back to OP's post, do get travel insurance if you are going abroad for a few days and parent is poorly.
If you get the worst news, then often insurers will refund you all or most of your unexpected return flight.

[Lepetitpiggy]

Well things have deteriorated hugely. She's not got long now. Feeding tube has come out and she is being kept comfortable. Its awful but there has been no change nor will there be and I know she would hate this. Such a difficult time

[thesandwich]

Lepetit, I am so sorry. It is so hard. 🌺🌺🌺🌺. Thinking of you.

[Lepetitpiggy]

Thanks so much. Its all a bit surreal