Mum home...need advice please

[BUNMUM]

Hello to all,
I've been reading these pages so feel like I'm among friends here...anyway here goes...my mother was discharged from hospital on Monday...she was admitted the previous Tuesday after a massive COPD attack and also another mild heart attack. She is also highly anxious...it's exhausting...she worries about EVERYTHING. I called the paramedics. We had just arrived back home to her house after she'd been staying with my sister for several months. Had almost completely shut down...had hardly eaten for two weeks, dehydrated, wanted to die...couldn't cope with life or being alone...this was last year prior to staying with my sister...I have no spare room. Anyway, Mum was visited by OT in hospital but she's had dealings with them before and just rolls eye's and is not willing to except help so it's fallen to me. She does not want to be alone...relations are strained between my sister and mum...all was OK until mum started being paranoid and feeling sister didn't want her...not true. Sister has a partner and grown up daughter...mum seemed jealous of attention they received. Anyway I've been here for second week now...I have a job...family, dog and been looking after mum's dog and cannot stay indefinitely. What I'm asking is What should I do? Mum would like sheltered accommodation I think. She's hard to talk to...gets very stressed. She won't come home with me...home too busy and no own room. Won't go back to my sister's...can't be left alone. Her breathing is awful...used nebs three time's today. Just shuffling to the toilet takes it out of her. God this is an epic post...Apologies. She won't even let me change a light bulb incase I get it wrong...several lights have blown. Mum owns home. Sister and I, 70 miles away. I am not in possession of a magic wand to make it all better for her! Everything takes time...mum wants it sorted now but won't actually say what she wants...just that she can't cope alone with responsibility of home etc. Limited mobility due to COPD chest. I know she's a frightened, very unwell lady who cannot believe this is her life...she's trying to cling on to her independence but at the same time knowing she cannot cope alone due to her ill health. Scared of what the future holds for her...me too. HELP! Please.

[BUNMUM]

Sorry...just realised lack of paragraphs.

[Elllicam]

Sorry this came up in my active feed (I’m not normally on the elderly parents board). I’m a nurse though and have a care company. Does she have social services involvement already? We are in Scotland so it might not be the same but they can help with care funding here. What about a very sheltered housing option where food is provided? That would get her out of her flat to a dining area 3 times a day and meeting other people. Does she have carers coming in?

[Argeles]

Sorry to hear about your situation. It must be very draining for you. I worry so much for my own Mum who is 65 herself, as she keeps on caring informally for her elderly mother (incredibly demanding and stressful), then looks after my DD twice a week (she loves it, but involves long travel and late nights). I keep on telling my Mum to follow the advice below.

Go to the website of your Mum’s local council and type in ‘needs assessment,’ a page will come up with details as to how to get her needs assessed. I imagine that this is regardless as to whether she owns her property or not

They will come and assess her needs, and decide whether or not NHS carers can come and visit and give care in her own home, and/or what adaptations will need to be carried out for her to live independently there.

If you do not feel that that would be appropriate, I would just contact social services and tell them that you and your family cannot look after her, as you live too far away and have too many commitments, and that looking after her was only a short term arrangement. Tell them that you’re having to move out with immediate effect, and that your Mum will be alone, is vulnerable and has ‘xyz’ health problems and needs assistance/to go into sheltered accommodation etc.

Good luck with it all, it’s so exhausting. My Mum is constantly drained and is constantly ill herself now.

[thesandwich]

Great advice from other posters- please seek help. Would a respite type stay help short term while you get other care in place? Age uk offer great advice too.

[meandmytinfoilhat]

I would contact social services and enquiry about supported living.

[asneakysnickers]

As an aside, has she always been so anxious? I would ask for her to have a thyroid check just in case

[BUNMUM]

Thanks to all.
Yes has always been highly anxious...huge worrier. Supported living sounds good. The trouble is mum knows she wants to move nearer to me but the thought of packing up and selling up and all the stress moving entails just stresses her which affects breathing...so a vicious circle. She's basically looking to me to fix it all for her.

[BUNMUM]

Contacted SS today...they were more about enablement. The GP did come out checked her over and said he didn't have a magic bullet to make it all better. I think what I'm trying to say is I'm scared...scared of what the future holds...I know it's all going to fall to me.

[thesandwich]

Oh bun- I am sorry and I recognise the fear too. Think about it from what you can and want to do. Contact the Carers Association for support for you. I suggest you think about your role as enabling but not doing. Your mum may want all sorts of things but it sadly isn't possible.
Sort information etc, and do think about short term respite to give you a breathing space.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

Do you have power of attorney? This could mean that you could act on her behalf and arrange things for her even if she makes the actual decisions - e.g. she chooses house but you deal with estate agents and packing company.

[Marlinspike]

I feel your pain OP - I've been in a similar situation. Sheltered housing with meals (assisted living) sounds great - this is what my DM moved in to. She moved from the family home 200 miles away, and whilst that was difficult, we were helped by a company recommended by Age Concern - basically a lovely lady spent time with Mum going through all her possessions and helping her decide what to take. She then took loots if stuff to charity shops or the tip, and labelled everything else. It was a godsend, as living so far away meant we could only go down at weekends to help pack / clear out.

Good luck!