Awful allegations from my dad

[zebrano]

I've posted this in relationships but due to my dad's age I wondered if somebody in here had experience of anything similar.


Dad has always been quite an awful person, domestic violence against my mum (been divorced now 17 years) and violence against his subsequent partner. He was an alcoholic for years, three suicide attempts (one of which I found him aged 17) police always called to our house. Lots of secrets and lies and has pushed everybody away so now I'm the only person who bothers with him. I'm an only child.

He is now 75, chronic health problems, chronic pain, a recent fall that put him in hospital for 2 months. Pretty much housebound and can only walk with a frame. I've been running round sorting everything and trying to smooth things out when he's vile to carers and hospital staff. Exhausted with it.

He's decided that nows the time to make an allegation that my mother tried to get him to sexually abuse me when I was a child. This was texted to me after an argument (he was shouting at me on the phone that the time that the carer was due to arrive was inconvenient so he was going to kill himself, I said that he has to stop threatening that every time he's upset over something as it brings back traumatic memories for me).

He is still maintaining his allegation is true two weeks later and it has tipped my mental health state into the abyss, I've been fast tracked to counselling through work and I can't see my dad at the moment.

My instinct is that the allegation is malicious on his part but I also have to consider some sort of dementia or false memory - although he has just had all of those kinds of tests in hospital and passed with flying colours. Any advice?

My mum is refuting the allegation by the way, she is shocked and disgusted and this is a bolt out of the blue. (They've been divorced years now).

[IamGru]

Have you posted about this before?

[GreenSeededGrape]

I've read this recently on here, have posted twice OP?

[Bonnynorton1]

I am in a similar situation to you, though my dad isn't quite that bad. I really feel for you.

In my experience people can very easily 'pass' dementia tests. My dad has passed loads of them when it's really clear to everyone who is in contact with him from day to day that he has some form of dementia. In my opinion the early stage screening tests which are just a series of questions are fairly easy to memorise or lie about and people in that situation tend to pull out the stops to appear ok. This is not just my experience but I have heard it over and over again from others and on the MN threads. This kind of made me angry for a long time because I felt that a diagnosis of dementia would somehow help me make sense of my dad's behaviour and would also result in some kind of help. But, I have now come to the conclusion that a diagnosis doesn't necessarily help at all. You know his behaviour is problematic. That's all that matters.

It sounds like your dad has had other personality problems most of his life, aside from dementia. This is also the case with my dad. Sadly, there's really nothing to be done about it. All you can do is protect yourself. Do you think the abuse did take place? It sounds to me that you doubt it.

The situation you are in is impossible. Even somebody with very robust mental health would find it difficult. Please do everything you can to put maximum care in place. Does your dad have a social worker? Please tell the social worker, or GP that you can't carry on caring. You are absolutely right to stay away from him at the moment. Please don't be tempted to start caring again. Look after yourself. It's very sad because he's probably lonely and alone like my dad. But, people do reap what they sow. Trust your instincts about your mum and only spend time with good and loving people.

[picklemepopcorn]

I remember this, too. I think we all said to ignore him because his behaviour makes him an unreliable witness.

[pallisers]

Honestly, I think you owe it to yourself to stop seeing your father. You owe him nothing and he is damaging your mental health in a very cruel way. Old people can be cruel and vicious just like young people. Trust your instincts about your mother, tell your dad's GP and social worker you can no longer see him and just simply stop.

I'm amazed you have taken as much care of him as you have. You are a good daughter. He is a terrible father and man.

[zebrano]

I did put at the beginning I have posted in relationships and MH and got replies to go low or NC with him, which I am considering doing for my own sake, but i wondered if there was anyone with advice from an elderly parent point of view re: onset of dementia and confabulation.

Struggling with this allegation considering the possibility that he may be experiencing confabulations owing to onset of MH issues?

The advice I got on the Relationships board was helpful but i guess deep down I'm hoping an age related illness has caused him to say this to me.

[AnyFucker]

It doesn't sound like dementia

It sounds like pure nasty arseholery

Like he will say anything to hurt you, to get a reaction

Time to go, and stay, no contact

Unless you fancy wiping the arse of someone who doesn't even deserve 5 mins of your time

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

It's not dementia (in my non medical opinion).

Sil made allegations of abuse against FIL when she was in prison & learnt MIL wanted custody of her dc. She did it because she knew they'd never be able to prove either way (& in the end a few years later, it bit her in the arse).

Go with as little contact (ideally none) as possible. He's an addict & an abuser, they will always lie & manipulate to get what they want (even if they no longer abuse the particular substance).

[IntelligentYetIndecisive]

It sounds like confabulation

Which may be due to dementia caused or complicated by alcohol abuse

He completely believes what he's telling you, but it's utterly fabricated.

[picklemepopcorn]

But whatever the underlying cause, you owe this man no loyalty and he is making you ill.

[Bonnynorton1]

You don't mention any doubt in your mind about the 'abuse'. It almost certainly didn't happen. Your dad has made it up. It may be because of dementia combined with long term alcohol abuse or sociopathy or borderline personality disorder or he may just be a wicked, awful person. The label doesn't matter. What matters is the harm his behaviour is causing you. And by the way, your own mental health diagnosis shouldn't be relevant here either. Your dad's behaviour would challenge anybody, even the most robust and resilient person.

Please don't give any more thought to the causes of this awful situation just deal with how you are reacting to protect yourself. Your instincts have been spot on. Withdraw yourself from the situation. Look after yourself.

[notaflyingmonkey]

He's pushing your buttons - moving on from the threat of suicide to CSA in order to provoke you. Walk away for your own sanity.

[NewDOOFUSfor18]

Absolutely agree with anyfucker. I don't understand people's need to put a label on absolutely everything, or maybe it makes things easier to cope with?

You have stated your father is, and always has been, abusive and vile. There is a very strong possibility that nothing has changed except he has upped the stakes. Just because he's elderly doesn't mean he has dementia.

Go NC with him, he doesn't deserve an amazing person like you in his life.