How to liven up my aging parents sedentary lifestyles so they don’t rely on their children for happiness

[stefh91]

My parents are 65 and 79, respectively, and have never been the most social of couples. My mother has a group of friends who she sees every week, but my father doesn’t really have friends of his own and has never really expressed a desire or need to change that.
My mother is a Buddhist and finds some direction in her participation at a meditation centre, but as she is terrified of driving she can only really attend in the summer when the prospect of the bus is more appealing. She enjoys painting but has lost all motivation for it lately. I have suspected for a while that she has always struggled with undiagnosed depression and anxiety, and it pains me to see her looking so sad all the time, but she has no motivation to change anything and we do not have the communication in our family to address issues like that.
My father has no hobbies; in the day time he potters around the house doing odd jobs, and then in the evening he and my mom watch tv from 5pm til they go to bed, with little conversation.
My mom continually complains that she has tried to get my dad to take her out on day trips but has now given up trying, but as she has very little confidence I have never seen her try with more than just a timid suggestion which receives a non-commital response from my dad and she takes that as a no. They are also blocked in the house by the presence of a neighborhood burglar who attempted to break in multiple times a few years ago and is now out of prison and roaming, seemingly harmlessly, around the street again. Because of this my parents will not leave the house empty in the evening, and rarely at all on the weekend, meaning my mom sometimes goes off and shops or sees her friends and my dad guards the house. They have considered moving, but it is difficult for them to leave the house with all their family memories, and they can’t leave it for anywhere that is less than in the perfect location - e.g close to bus routes for my mom.
My sister now has her own life, living 40 minutes away with her family and she goes to my parents for dinner once a week. She and her SO are looking at houses right now and I know my mom is terrified she will move further away. She and my dad are also very reluctant to leave the neighborhood terrorised by this burglar until they know where my sister is moving to.
I usually live about 2 hours away and visit for weekends and holidays, but I am desperate to do more travel but constantly plagued by guilt by the fact that most of the joy in my parents’ lives comes from the time spent with me and my sister, so it seems impossible that I could go and spend a year living abroad. All I think of is my parents sitting quietly in the living room.
I have tried over and over to convince them to go on day trips and see some more of the country but they are so stuck in their routine that this only happens if my sister and I organise it as a family. When it’s just the two of them it’s a rare occurrence.

How do I get them to enjoy their retirement and find lives outside of seeing me and my sister so that they can be happy and I can live my life a bit without feeling constant guilt that I’m not there to entertain them?

[junebirthdaygirl]

Go abroad. They will be fine. Maybe your dm will go wild and go and visit you. She is not old. My sibling emigrated and it opened up a whole new life for my dm. She flew there regularly after never being on a plane in her life. She even travelled in that country with her dc. Also getting into a different environment lifted something off her.
I am a dm of 3. No way do l expect my dcs to hang around . Actually l am happy to have my own quiet life with my dh while they head off.
Go but maybe promise your sister you won't be gone forever so she won't panic that she will be left with everything.

[Seeline]

Have they got a burglar alarm - maybe that would reassure them about the safety of the house.

Other than that, it sounds as though they are perhaps happy with their lives. I know it's not what you would choose, but maybe they are happy.
My Dad was happy pottering at home, doing the garden and watching TV.
The age difference between your parents is probably becoming a bit more obvious now as well. At nearly 80, your Dad will likely be finding days out etc a bit more a strain than your 65 year old Mum. Not saying he couldn't do it, but has probably slowed down. Is he happy still driving longer distances?

[Subtleconstraints]

I agree that you can't change them. Their happiness is their own responsibility (but obviously as people age, they may need help). There were 10 yrs of age between my parents and the difference is most pronounced at your parents time of life. I can understand your father preferring to stay at home rather than go on day trips at his age. This probably isn't the answer you want but could you and your sister agree to take your mother out more but perhaps visit less for meals etc? It's not easy. Having been through the deaths of my parents and pils, I can (rather depressingly) say that old age is very, very hard (for them and for you). And the tide does inevitably turn and they start depending on you rather than the reverse. You have to confront your own response to that and guilt, duty, and love, all play their part.

[treesaregreenandblue]

Could they join a 'hobby' together? My gran used to play bridge and scrabble and went to various 'tournaments' etc? It was a great social thing, and just thinking of your dad's age, obviously intellectually stimulating but not too physical etc.

If you want to travel please please do x. I know it's not quite the same but my sister lives with my mum (parents are divorced). She says she's happy/it's cheaper etc but I feel she is partly doing it to help my mum (she pays rent and my mum still has fairly hefty mortgage I think. Also provide her company).

I know we all want to feel our parents are taken care of/happy, but your parents have each other , and you and your sister will always see them when you can I'm sure. I would hate for one of my DDs to grow up and not do what they wanted ie travel, just to 'hang around' for me x. Esp if (hopefully!), DH is still around.

You obviously love your parents, and then you, I'm sure they'd want you to do what you want/what would make you happy? X.

[Subtleconstraints]

Sorry my middle-aged brain forgot to include the fact in my post below that I live abroad and although my parents were happy for me to go, and my (v competent) sister lived 5 mins way from them, I personally found it very hard to handle when they became frail and ill as I felt I wasn't doing enough and was torn between DD in one country and elderly parents in another. Friends of mine have handled it a lot better though. It's a tough one!

[AhAgain]

Not a lot of advice, but much sympathy.

I agree that you can’t rrally change them. My mum is 79. She has had various chronic and acute health issues over the past 10+ years, but there is always an excuse not to be Social and do things. Even now, in a nursing home, “the residents are too elderly, that one is too chatty, they aren’t interested in talking to new people, I don’t feel well enough” etcetc. So she sits in her room - complaining it is too small - brooding on her health issues and picking bits in the nursing home and staff. Despite my (and the staffs’) encouragement that being sociable and getting up and about would be really good for her mental, emotional and physical health. And also mine - so my visits are not so important to her.

If you don’t look after yourself now and look after your own happiness and interests, then it is only going to get much harder in the next 10/20 years, especially as they get more frail and/or you loose one. Sorry, that really isn’t very cheery, but you need to look after yourself and not stop yourself from doing things

[Needmoresleep]

If your sister moves further look at sheltered options close to her and present them at the same time. Sheltered (with or without a 24 hour warden) will provide a built in community and support if/when your dad's health starts failing.

[VeganIan]

A burglar alarm would be a great idea - because if they are not going to get out of the house it will reduce their hobby options somewhat.

Usually I suggest Probus/Rotary/U3A but if they don't have the oomph then it's tough. I think the idea of getting them to consider a retirement community is a good one. Somewhere they have their own self contained house but from which they can access all sorts of activities. Then if your DF wants to stay in he can, but your DM can go out and about doing the organised activities - my friend's mum's community has an extensive calendar of events but every one is "followed by afternoon tea in the Orangery" As they get older and their needs change they can buy in meals or nursing support.

[ZaZathecat]

I was going to day exactly what Needmoresleep said. If they're scared of your sister moving away it might give them the impetus to move too, to be near her. Sheltered accommodation would be great as it's still their own private home but they can go and chat to other residents in the communal lounge whenever they like, and often a warden will organise regular (optional) events like quizzes or fish and chip lunches. I only wish my dm had moved sooner.

[AJPTaylor]

The following is meant nicely and i have been exactly in your position.
I have moved on by doing the following.
Realising i am not responsible for their happiness. That is their responsibility.
Realising that the difference i make is marginal.
Realising that if my mum follows in her parents footsteps i will be 70 before she dies: if i live that long.
Plan and follow through on your plan. Me and sis agree that we will not both be out of the country at the same time.

[AJPTaylor]

And good god please make sure sis in on board before suggestions they move close to her!

[Lottapianos]

'Realising i am not responsible for their happiness. That is their responsibility.
Realising that the difference i make is marginal. '

Completely agree with all of this, as well as other posters saying that you cannot change them, and will wear yourself out trying. It took me years of therapy to get my head around all that but it was well worth it

Live your life OP. Make your own choices and find your own happiness. You are not responsible for entertaining your parents. I know they are not as young as they used to be, but they are adults and they have choices of their own. You have nothing to feel guilty for. And I cannot recommend therapy enough, it gave me my life back

[just5morepeas]

You can't change people, you can only change how you react to them. Sorry if that sounds harsh.